My Grandson

<3

 

Hugs.

While I agree that being lgbt+ is hard, then I feel like it's even harder to just deny yourself and living double or triple life.

I had more to write, but for now I leave it at that. It's too hard to put it into words, because I would just break down.

 

Thankfully, societal acceptance of the LGBTQ+ community has grown by leaps and bounds the past 10-15 years, and I don't see that forward progress slowing down any time soon. Will we ever see queer men and women viewed as completely equal members of society compared to heterosexuals? Maybe not in our lifetime (for those of us 50+), but for the millenials, I honestly believe we will. Eventually the vast majority of people will come to understand that gay/lesbian identity is not a choice, but it's an inherent and perfectly natural characteristic of a significant number of people worldwide.

 

You can be a positive person in their lives, teaching them that we all deserve equality and rights just like straight people. You can teach them to respect LGBTQ+ people and support our rights. Teach them about the Kinsey scale and how there are lots of bi people in the world, if everyone knew how many people are actually bi, it would help dispel the prejudice. Too many people still refuse to believe the truth that people don't choose their sexuality. I'd rather be straight too, it makes no sense for people to want to be gay and threats of bashing, that's not fun, so anyone who thinks it is a choice has no critical thinking or logic skills and I wouldn't trust anything from them. We don't learn to be gay, I can testify to that lol!

 

Deep breaths in. I calmed down now and am ready to write. Others have pretty much written already what I wanted to say.

The thing is I wish that there were someone in my real life who I could talk to about lgbt+ topics. Even though some know about me, then they really don't understand me.

Having an accepting and loving enviroment or accepting people at home or in your life makes all the difference and weights out the hardships that come with the territory of being lgbt+.

Hiding that part of me from the people I love has been one of the hardest things.
It's hard having to be silent, while others can talk about anything they like, withouth shame or fear or being silenced. It's all mentally exhausting and have only worsened my mental health.

And you know how all of that is like as well.

 

I understand your concerns and there are a lot of issues plaguing young people these days. Life is messy and unpredictable and anything could happen. However if you get caught up in the what ifs, it will just send you spiraling down the rabbit hole with no end in sight.

So no matter what life may bring their way, as long as they have you and other people in their life supporting them then you can help them overcome any obstacle they are challenged with. I literally had no support growing up and every adult threw me under the bus. So your support for your grandchildren is everything.

I would focus on helping your grandchildren build their futures and don't spare a second thought on the what ifs. If it happens, then you'll deal with it as a team.

 

i appreciate @Chillton's response. Quebec, you are a fine and wonderful man. You took the poison in your life and turned it into medicine, for your self and others. A big difference between your past and your grandkids present is you. They have a wise and understanding you that you never had, but became. They too may have that opportunity, and they will have someone to help them along the way. i call that progress.

 

David thanks for your post. There is a challenge here that I am not sure how we are going to resolve, and that is what to do about the kids / grandkids who are afraid to come out and are therefore missed by their parents and grandparents.

My story more or less mirrors your own though with a bisexual spin: crushes both ways and confusion early on, then married, 3 kids (one with depression and self harm), divorced and finally came out at 64, in response to which the one with depression came out (to me only) as bi, and explained that their own sexual confusion had been a source of their depression.

I missed it, probably because I was struggling with my own sexuality and hadn't reached a level of understanding that would have recognised my own kids' sexuality issues. I am pretty sure things would have been different if we had both seen programs like 'Love, Simon' and 'Heartstopper' in our teens, and maybe better education early on is the way to go. My point is that there may need to be a level of understanding and informed maturity already in place both for the kids and their parents/grandparents before the kids can feel safe in coming out and be assured of being surrounded by a loving, supportive family.

Anyway, things do seem to be gradually getting better. I still see plenty of cases where kids were afraid to come out to, or were not supported by, their family, but I am now seeing at least as many cases where the family was totally supportive and at the right time of their life to make a difference.

 

i doubt there is a one size fits all answer to the "challenge" you note. But i think that you answer your own question, at least in part?
Connecting with people is a big deal for me, and has been most of my life, and i wonder if that is a response to closet living growing up? idk, but as a young adult, i started exploring and practicing openness and vulnerability as a means of connecting with others. i lived in a beach resort town for a while and would go out and walk the boardwalk on the beach very late at night, early in the morning, and would strike up conversations with strangers and tell them something deeply personal about myself. i learned that people want to be open, they're often afraid or don't know how though.

What i discovered is some people take our openness as a cue or an open door for them to be open as well. Your openness, i think, helped your son be open as well. i think living openly, at least among those we care about, is one way to meet the challenge.

 

Hi David

I really appreciate your post. And hearing your journey. My son came out as gay following his 14th Birthday in early Spring this year at a meal with my daughter and my exh present. I supported him wholeheartedly and so did his Dad and we are very glad that he felt safe enough with us to do this. Since then, he has come out to a female schoolfriend who identifies as bi. He has also come out to his 2 cousins, one of whom is lesbian, non-binary. They hi fived him apparently! However, I am aware of the homophobia in our society. Even though his cousin lives in London UK, they were heckled at school by someone who shouted "fag." I have recommended that my son does not come out to my elderly parents as they have never been able to accept me being a lesbian. I would sign off with my name as I am out and proud, but I don't want to inadvertently out my son. Warmest wishes to you, David. Xx

 

David, you honestly sound like a great grandfather. I'm sure your support means everything to your grandkids. I often wonder what my grandparents would think of me if they knew, but knowing how my parents are I suppose they may have hated me- your grandkids will never have to question that you'll always love and support them. And for what it's worth, if they're not all straight your guidance and love is all the more invaluable.

 

You sound like a wonderful mom. I find it interesting how you're a lesbian, your son is gay, and he has a cousin who's also a lesbian. Is she from your side of the family? I ask this because there are several gay men and lesbian women on my mom's side of the family, which would point towards a definite gay gene that runs in families.

Wonderful to hear how you're out and proud. Here's hoping your son can one day live openly and authentically as a young gay man, and not experience the kind of societal homophobia I remember was so common back when I was a curious teenager. Fortunately, for all of us, times have changed for the better, though there's still a long way to go before the LGBTQ+ community are viewed and treated as true equals in society.

 

I'm not blood related to my son's lesbian cousin, as this is on his Dad's side. To my knowledge there is nobody on either side of the family in previous generations who identified as gay or lesbian or bisexual - but of course someone might have been, but if they were they were never out.

 

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I was just curious; so thank you for clearing that up. I think your son is very lucky to have a mom like you who can help him live his life authentically.

 

It often does run deeper than we think; including all the way to the genetic level. Isn't it amazing how as more and more older & younger people come out as gay, bi, lesbian and trans, we find out that there's often a multi-generation family link between us.

David, I'm sure you'll be a wonderful advocate for any & all family members of yours who follow your path. Your posts are inspiring.

 

That is so heart warming to hear and wonderful how fully supported your son must have felt to be able to come out! I knew I was gay at 14 but would never have had the courage to come out back then. The reaction from his cousins sounds amazing and I bet he will always cherish that hi 5 after he told them he was gay!

 

I wish I had been told more about the Kinsey scale growing up through my teens, as I think it would have helped me embrace my homosexuality far sooner than I have. I remember conversations discussing whether we were bi or gay but without the subtlety and fluidity that is the reality of our sexuality.

 

Yep, if everyone learned this, accepted everyone as we are and had proper sex ed classes, maybe the world could keep improving and making progress, rather than going backwards again with human rights.