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My girlfriend doesn't think I talk enough

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by TiredAmethyst, Jul 5, 2021.

  1. TiredAmethyst

    Regular Member

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    So, I've been with my girlfriend for roughly four years and probably within the last few months an issue has come up. She gets really upset that I'm not very talkative. I do tend to reply a lot with 'yeah' 'mhm' and in general I keep my replies short. I work in a call center and have for years, so I talk nearly all day to strangers for customer service issues. She and I also text pretty much all our waking hours, do phone calls on breaks and stuff.

    We are a little long distant, we live about two hours from each other but usually visit each other for a whole week each month. This is when she gets bothered that I don't always want to talk. To me, it seems she wants to talk the entire time we're together which I don't mind but sometimes talking tires me out a lot. I've brought this up to her, that especially after work I don't always want to talk but I'll always listen and love to hear her voice but she doesn't want to "talk to a brick wall" which I understand.

    We want to move in together, but the idea that I may have to live with having to always talk constantly, every second is giving me a ton of anixety. I've asked before that I needed quiet time, time to spend just with myself without any communication which is usually sitting in my room to read or something. At first she was okay with this but the last few times I've done it she comes into my room crying to say I don't love her anymore.
    It's usually only about 15-30 mins a day, the rest is spent with her.
    I don't know what to do at this point, I do love her but I struggle so much keeping up conversations with her and I don't want to be hurting her by not engaging.
     
  2. Really

    Full Member

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    Hmm. That’s a tough one. I am also more of a listener than a talker but there are times when I have spurts of talkativeness. Were you this quiet when you first met her? Have things changed? Or is it just the difference between texted and live chat? I can relate to that.

    I’m not sure what to advise but maybe try starting conversations about things you’re passionate about and see if that helps engage more. Or do some couple’s quizzes together for fun? What your love languages are, for example? Could be entertaining and spark further conversation.

    Just a thought. Good luck!
     
  3. LostInDaydreams

    Moderator Full Member

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    I think there’s quite a bit of middle ground between short replies and talking all the time. One doesn’t necessarily discount the other either.

    From your post, this is what stood out to me the most:

    This is not a proportionate reaction to somebody spending 15 - 30 minutes on their own, particularly if you’ve already spent the whole day together. Do you think that she could be insecure or have difficulties with spending time by herself?

    What’s your relationship like in general? On the surface, it sounds like she might be using guilt here in an attempt to modify your behaviour. I would think very carefully about whether you do want to move in with her at this stage. For example, how would she react if you wanted to meet up with some friends without her? It might be better to sort out boundaries first and work out what’s really going on here.