I’m not even sure if I’m using the correct terminology, but I’ve being doing my research and this explains how she feels. I’m older than her and I have children. She, on the other hand shares a relationship with her ex’s daughter. So our life experiences are completely different. She’s used to having someone do certain things for her, like taking care of household chores such as laundry, dishes, setting up doctors appointments etc. Which are things that I usually do on a daily basis so it’s not unusual. However, it’s not that I refuse to do any of the things mentioned above; she’s just used to having someone do them for her. I have enough on my plate as it is and her attitude towards having to fend for herself is starting to turn me off. She acts like she doesn’t understand at all and it’s driving me crazy. She seems to think that women, even though we’re both women that we should have certain roles in the relationship. I do not agree whatsoever. I’ve always hated whenever I’d date a woman how people would always ask me, “So who wears the pants in the relationship?” I’d have to say that we’re both wearing the pants. We should treat one another equally and honestly she’s fully capable of doing her own laundry etc. I am very independent and I do not need to depend on anyone to do anything for me. And because of that, I think it drives her crazy that I do not “need” her. I’m not even sure what I’m asking for, maybe advice on how to move forward from here.
Unfortunately, I get this, though my partner is a man. He makes a point to talk positively about “nice traditional women” and thinks “most women” would like to make him a packed lunch, iron his shirts, etc., and that I’m odd for not wanting to. Some specific examples...he called me into living room from the kitchen (where I was washing up) because our daughter was reaching for something that she shouldn’t have, rather than getting out of his chair. He even referred to me as “domestic staff” in front of our daughter and told her to call me that, so I understand how hard that attitude is to live with. As much as I dislike making excuses for this behaviour...could it be that (not having her own children) she doesn’t understand how much you have to do already? My partner was out of the house for 13-14 hours a day, due to work, so he never really experienced it. When he’d have a day off, he’d get out of bed, get himself ready and get in the car to go out for the day. Our daughter and making sure we had all she needed was left to me. Carrying all the mental load is really hard. It’s no excuse, but I guess he wasn’t used to doing it and he wouldn’t have known what she needed or where it was kept. She’s five now and he still doesn’t put laundry away for her - I don’t think he knows what goes where. And has she ever lived alone? Does she actually have any sense of all the things that need to be done and when? As she ever had to do it? Again no excuse, but maybe it’s not something that occurs to her because it’s not part of her normal routine, or maybe she doesn’t actually know what to do. But, I guess that it could be that she simply wants somebody to do all this stuff for her, is unwilling to grow up and is lazy. Reading your post, it sounds like you have an extra child, and personally, that’s not something I would want in a relationship. From your post it sounds like you have spoken to her about this - what exactly has she said? If she thinks all this should be your role, then what’s her role? Does she have any understanding of how much you’re doing to keep things going? If you stopped doing stuff specifically for her...how would she react? My partner leaves dirty laundry around, I used to wash it, but now I just put it in a pile in the bedroom. If he doesn’t sort it, it doesn’t get washed. Could you ask her for help? Doesn’t she realise that if you both spent an hour cleaning/tidying at the same time, that’s two hours of work done and you could spend more time together?
Talking is one thing that will help. Helping the other see things from your point of view. I hope things go okay with all of this.
For me one of the upsides of dating a woman is that both my ex and current partner are willing to pick up after themselves and there is no traditional assumption of gender roles. It sounds as if your girlfriend might be immature in some respects - perhaps, in fairness, this is in part due to her age. All relationships need honest, adult-adult communication and for boundaries to be drawn up that allow each person to feel safe, secure, respected and heard. Easily said, but of course difficult to do as human beings are not always consistent and it requires patience to understand one another better. True intimacy can begin to grow and thrive once these conditions are being met, as otherwise resentments and emotional distance build.
@pinklov3ly I think the advice of talking about this is very important. My wife and I agreed when we got together that gender roles were not gonna happen. I, actually, am a better cook. So, we split up the traditional women's tasks pretty equally. However, the tasks that are the traditional male roles are all mine. This meant I would cook, clean etc and then paint the living room. It started to be too much. So, I let my wife know and we made some compromises. The other thing for you to be careful of is that you may be a "giver" in relationships. You may feel you need to earn the love. I have this problem. So, my fall back is to take care of people and I can be taken advantage of.
I am married to a woman. I have a few close male friends. All relationships take work, but if there is love holding it together then things seem to work out well. One thing that helps is thinking about the reasons you love the other person no matter what type of relationship or friendship you are in.
