My friend put his kid up for adoption. Should I be there for him?

I hope I can post this sort of question here? if not, i apologise!

Some back story. Both me and my friend at 26 years old. I got off a heavy weed addiction and am 26 days sober (10+ years of smoking). I also quit cigarettes 19 days ago. Both me and my friend (We'll call him Jay) dabbled in cocaine in 2012/2013. I quit that stuff but he carried on.

Cut a long story short, he has been in a toxic relationship with a girl for the past 2 years. They both take drugs, she's on the dole, he works 12 hours days. He loves animals and will do anything for them, so i know he is good at heart. She is manipulative, toxic, spitful and generally a nasty human being to be around. (I met her once, i had a cough and she sprayed something near me. i asked her not to as it irritated my throat and so she continued). She has control of his facebook yadda yadda yadda. She hates me because me and Jay have been friends since we were in like year 1 at school. Me and jay have always had a strong bond.

To cut short story even shorter - She got pregnant, eventually he chucked her and fought for custodary through the courts. He got off weed (while i even still smoked!) he stopped sniffing and generally sorted himself out. I didn't see him for a month or 2 and next thing i knew she was back in his life, he was sniffing, she was sniffing (while pregnant) and he became a shell of himself again (depsite going AA meetings, therapy and understanding what co-ersive contorl is and understanding that is what she did to him).

and now fast forward to today. I've not spoken to him in months (ive avoided drug users while i sober up) and today he knocks at my door. I talk with him for a few hours. He realises how much of a bitch she is again but this time. The kids are gone. He chose to give them up for adoption. That's it. Why? "because its whats best for the kids". Wtf? 6 months ago, all he could talk about was his boy and how much he wants them back. And now he just doesn't think he's good enough.... I learnt when i googled some once they are up for adoption thats it - He wont ever see them unless they chooset to see him when they are 18.

To me it's clear. He chose drugs over his own kids. Not only do i disagree with this and don't want to be around people like that, i know that he wanted his kid and he loved that kid. Her, she is late 30s. she has had 7-8 kids, and given them ALL up. This is a pattern she has.

I just feel so much anger towards Jay. For choosing her and the drugs over his kid. It makes me so angry and I don't know how i can look at him in the eye anymore and just be there for him. I know i should, but how the fuck can you give up a kid for drugs and somebody who sits at home all day, who is racist, nasty, hateful. spiteful. (Jay on the otherhand is super liberal, open guy who accepts pretty much anyone).

I know it's his decision and hopefully the kid will be okay. I just keep thinking about how that kid is more important than Jay and how Jay just seems to want to take drugs and forget about this kid who now has to grow up without his dad. (i did grow up with my dad - my parents split up and my dad moved down the road and they maintain a healthy relationship to this day).

I hope i'm not coming across as a bad friend, but maybe i am being a bad friend. I think it's not just the adoption thing - fine if thats whats gonna be best for the kid - great. But it's the fact i feel like 6 months ago all he could talk about was how much he wants to change his life around for this kid. and now i see him and he is.... a loser. I just don't know what to say to him. He has made the wrong decision and I won't sit there and listen to him make excuses anymore...

like i say i want to be a good friend. but i cant handle that bullshit anymore. He's given his kid up for drugs. This isn't like when we were 18 being assholes to our parents so we could sniff lines. He gave up his kid for asically a life without someone who hates him and so he can sniff lines, drink vodka and smoke weed.

I just wish i could find a silver lining but I'd rather just cut him out my life like he did to kid kid. I feel like if he cant even be there for his own flesh and blood - does he actually give a shit about me? Can i even trust him anymore? Since i quit weed, he messaged me twice - once to ask me to roll him a joint and second to ask me who has weed. Like bro - do you even give a shit about me?

If he ever harmed himself or drunk himself to death - could i really forgive myself? but is it my problem anymore? At this point, maybe he has to just drnk himself to death or get help. Im just tired of my adice or just reminding him of what he knows to be true (drugs dont help, they make everything worse. help is out there. you cant do it on your own.. chuck that girl) landing on deaf ears and him making excuses....

And finally him telling me "You don't understand unless you have kids" as if i haven't been there for him throughout the entire lockdown, listening to everything he's been saying about her and his kid. He keeps saying "i have to believe im doing whats best for the kid" but thats bullshit. It just is! and i told him that. You dont give up your rights as a parent because it's tough. And you DO give up the fucking drugs especially when you done it already and you know the help is there!

On some level i know its her manipulating him. she has a pattern of this behaviour. But on another, he's a big boy and if he wants to go down this road -- and not be there for me when im struggling then why should i be there for him when hes struggling?

I just don't know how to deal with him. I wonder if anyone has expericned anything similar to this.

Oh also, something funny - He come out for 2-3 hours with me today while we spoke. about all this crap. SHE facebooked me asking where he is so i just blocked her because i cba. Then she messaged me from his facebook pretending to be him (using his typing style) and i ignored it. Then i noticed she deleted me off his facebook (like 20 mins after i ignored her imposter message) and then 20 minutes after that she sent me a wierd abusive message starting with "its [name] lets get one thing straight..." as soon as i read that opener i blocked his facebook too (he'd understand why i did, its not against him) i laughed at it but i couldnt help read it. it was a paragraph of crazy shit. ending with "things ive heard about well u aint someone id associate wit anyway" like wtf? I dont even know her. what have i even done? lol. im not perfect but im not stupid. this is manipulation. lucky for me, im not one of her drug addicts boyfriends and i dont give a crap. she even said "i only messaged you becuse Jays mum said to message u" --- so anyway, i laughed becuase it was insane and i was almost in hysterics at how crazy it all was. I literally dont know her i met her once. and I wlaked out because i immediately knew she was not a safe person to be around (the coughing incident - i walked out saying "sorry mate, ive aske her not to spray, i have to go becuase my throat" - i dont mess about). so i told my mum about it and she laughed and she txt Jays mum to ask if she really told Jays GF to message me. And Jays mum said it was more bullshit. Which was kinda funny...

But yeah. Drama aside. Knowing he apparently chose to give up his kid for adoption really changes how i see him.

Anyway. sorry for the essay. I do wonder if anyone can relate?

 

Thanks for taking time to read and reply...

The thing is. Last year he did get off drugs, he broke up with his abusive girlfriend. He had court hearings, he went to AA meetings, he had social services on his side. All he had to do was prove he could stay straight. Then he got back with her, let her move into his grandads house and went back to taking drugs. He lies about taking drugs to me, his mum, his grandad. To social services. She is late 30s and lost all her kids (7-8 of them) becuase she is a drug user. He is just passively letting her control his life. (they met about 3 years ago through drug taking and she moved in immediately)

I think to understand his situation you'd need to know her. She has stole from his grandad who has cancer and yet he still makes excuses for her. She has lost all her kids to care. She never leaves his house. If im with him, she will message me sending me abuse. She lies about what people say. She is racist. She is homophobic. She has slapped her own child in the face because he was crying while I was there. She did it in front me. She just laughed and walke away as if she is better than everyone else. She tells him he is scum and a piece of shit. She demands money off him and all he can do is look at the floor, scared.

She is fucking disgusting and doesn't deserve children anyway. HIM on the other hand, he is redeemable and would have his boy if he didnt take drugs. and that's from his own mouth. But she will just keep on giving him drugs.

I have told him I want nothing to do with him while he is with her. I'm not having her bully me because im his friend. fuck bullys. IIt's no longer my problem. He didn't even ask me why, he just said "well i guess its my fault" and hung up the phone. So thanks mate! 20+ years of "friendship" and you dont even wanna ask me why?

It's all well and good being there for him, but then who is there for me? No one! how is that friendship? I think anyone reading this needs to understand just how much i've supported him. My door has always, since we were 16 - been open to him. I literally broke off dates to be with him while his dad was dying of cancer. And i didn't even second think it.

If it's okay for him to run away from all his problems and leave the rest of us to deal with the fallout - then fine - i'll do the same to him.

I may be coming across as harsh, but maybe im just realising that he was never my friend. I was just someody that would listen to his crap when no one else would.

Maybe he doesn't need me as a friend becuase I just told him "it'll be okay" and "you'll sort it out". But what he needs is to face reality otherwise he will always be on drugs and never sort his life out.

He needs to break up with his "girlfriend". Get off the drugs, Stay off the drugs. Look after his grandad who is dying of cancer. Make ammends with all his family he has lost becuase of her. He has to grow the fuck up.

Oh and when i say family he has lost because of her. It's not that they don't like her or anything like that. It's becuase she lies about his family to him and he believes it and gets in arguments with his family. She once tld him his brother stole 10 pound. I spoke to his brother and his brother told me how controlling and manipulative she is. Everyone that knows them, speaks in the vein i am speaking now. This is not all coming from me. This is from me, My mum, his mum, his brother, his step-dad, my brother. We all see it. It's just i'm proably the only one who really friggin liked this guy as we've been mates since school!! It just breaks my heart I have to basically tell him i dont want to be mates anymore.

She also manipulated him to thinking his own mother (and his brother) was talking to social serivces spreading lies about him. I went out with him last year and he told me how "my mum is trying to get social to take kids off us" ... wtf? I know his mum, it's complete bollocks. She is such a lying, manipulative evil individual.

I woke up the day after writing the OP with a huge headache. All day, i had this headache. As soon as I called him and said i want nothing to do with him or her while he is with her... The headache immediately went away.... THAT is why i have to be harsh. THAT is how much this stuff effects his friends. If he can't cope with it - well neither can I.

Just to say - im not here to start arguments. I know these issues can be controversial. I'm just venting really.

I hope he just chucks her and sorts his life out. She is the issue. She is the one that pushes the drugs. She is the one that manipulates him. She is why he is angry at the world. She is the one that doesn't work while he works 12 hour days. She is why his family dont want nothing to do with him. She is why i want nothing to do with him. If he sorts himself out (and i hope he does) i will understand if he never wants to speak to me. Thats fine. I just want him to be happy. And if there is a chance by me telling him i want nothing to do with him while she is around could in some way help him to get a grip. Then it's worth doing. Because ive tried being blunt with him, we aruge. Ive tried telling him it'll be okay, nothing changes. he needs to hit rock bottom and want to sort himself out. I'm done enabling this behaviour. Either he drinks and sniffs himself to death or he gets help from professionals.

/vent lol

 

Thank you for this message. I read this earlier and immediately I messaged my mate and asked him if he was free to call me. He said he'd come by my house. I apologised to him if i was harsh. Me telling him i want nothing to do wit him is out of character and I have never had problems with him. I was stressed and was angry at her. I blame her for his situation and i felt her messaging me abuse was going to affect me too. I said to him it's not how friends should speak and im sorry and embarrsed. Also i said I do understand a bit more why he's made his decisions...

He think understands why I was pissed and knows that no-one likes her. He told me the lies she told him about me and we both had a laugh about that.

I did read up on adption and they say it comes from love a lot of the time and I think your comment helped drill it into me that okay - maybe he isn't just choosing drugs over his kids. Life is not black/white and actually the fact he has essentially sacrificed a lifetime with his kids in order to keep them away from that toxic envrionment is something that I admit i cannot fully understand or appreciate. But i can admire that he does care for his kid and wants him to live the best possible.

I just need to be there for him when and if he ever needs it. I told him i'll work on my judgemental attitude. The thing is - i am now building my own business so it's important I do have a strong judgement (because in business no one is there to tell me what to do - i have to make my own decisions) and i just let that seep into my friendships. I hope in the future i can be a better friend. I'm still learning. It's just hard to switch from my business-attitude into a compassionate attitude. Since quitting drugs my ambition and drive has shot through the roof and so i'm trying to solve every problem I come across. But I need to calm it down a bit i guess.

In the future i'm going to try and address my own emotions and why i feel a certain way and not blame my emotion on others like i did over the weekend. Like my friend said today "if you spend your life worrying about what others say or do you'll spend a lifetime angry at the world" or something to that affect. I can;t control what happens in the world but i can control how i react to the world.

again /vent over lol. but you know. This has reminded me that I really need to make sure i have time for family and friends. if i spend all my time focusing on my business/financies im going to lose precious time i could spend with people i care about. I don't want to go down that route but at the same time - i am so eager to achieve. It's a balancing act i suppose. I just know that if the last thing i said to my friend was "i dont want anything to do with you" and something like he died or whatevr - i would never ever ever forgive myself. I need to see the bigger picture and be more like who i was on drugs. Compassionate, understanding, kind and just fully present just without taking drugs lol.

i know this all seems so self-absorbed but you know what. I'm 26, single and poor and a recovering drug addict. I think on some level i'm allowed to be? But i do love writing anyway hence why i can write so much here!! i just need to not be a dick.