My friend is in the closet

Hello and welcome to the forum.

Having read your post, all the advice I can give you is this:
Although all these things may seem to indicate to you that he is gay, there is nothing conclusive here. People can be extremely camp in every mannerism, and still be straight.
That isn’t to say he’s not gay- but if he is then he’s probably trying to come to terms with it. If that’s the case you need to let him tell you in his own time- and you also need to open up to the idea that he’s straight- your friend is the only one who gets a say in his sexuality. Regardless of mannerisms, company he keeps and rumours, it’s not yours or anyone elses place to decide he’s gay.

I can tell what you’re saying comes from a concern that your friend isn’t being true to himself, but you need to make sure you don't make him uncomfortable or tell him what he is.

 

Hi there and welcome to EC

I can relate completely with your story. I joined EC for exactly the same reason 3 years ago.
One of my best friend was gay, but not out to me, though I was openly supportive of gay people. I didn't know what to do and to be able to understand him better and to help him opening up to me, I decided I needed to ask other gay people's opinion about it.
That's how I found EC.
The main advice I got from EC members was that it was not about me, this was about him.
Accepting to be gay and coming out are long an difficult processes. No matter how well you know your friend, you have no idea about how much he may be struggling to accept himself as gay.
The best thing you can do for him his to keep being openly supportive of gay people, and to let him know you're here for him.
That's what I tried to do with my friend. I have been openly supportive of gay rights movements. I told him about my favorite show, that is Queer as Folk. I took him to a bar owned by two gay friends, and last but not least, I let him know I'm now an advisor on EC.
Still, it took him 3 more years to finally come out to me. He did it just last month. He couldn't ignore that I was going to be completely fine with the fact he is gay but that was the time he needed to feel fine enough in his own skin to let me (and his other friends) know.
I know that right now, the situation may feel frustrating for you, but you can't imagine half of the struggle it might be for you friend.
I can only encourage you to try to respect his boundaries and not to push him out. If he doesn't tell you now, that's because he can't tell you now. That doesn't mean you can't help. Be there, anytime he needs you. Confide to him and let him know he can do the same to you. And be patient.
When my friend finally came out to me, he told me that I was "one of the person it always felt implicit and easy". I guess that means that, even when he wasn't ready to come out yet, he knew I loved him no matter what and I hope knowing this had been helpful to him.

(If you're interested in reading my own threads about my friend and the awesome advice I got, it's here and there)
Take care, Cécile

 

Hey there, welcome to EC! I completely agree with the posts above, just thought I'd add my own thoughts too.

I'm a self-confessed "rubbish gay", in that I just about go against every stereotype going about gay people :lol: Everyone assumes I'm straight when they first meet me. Likewise, there are people who have traits like the stereotype and yet are totally straight. So nothings certain going about what his sexuality is by behaviour/traits alone.

That said, if he is gay, my advice would be NOT to ask him directly about it. From experience, that was a question I dreaded and thankfully never received while I was closeted. People need to be able to come out to themselves in their own time. Believe me, if he is gay, it isn't the fact that he doesn't trust you or anything by not telling you. It'll be that he hasn't fully accepted it himself yet, and is still dealing with it inside. That's a perfectly natural thing for him to be going through. I knew some people that I knew for a fact would be 100% supportive of me, but I never told them until I myself was comfortable with it. I know it must be hard to understand, but once he has come to terms with being gay (assuming he is), only then will he be able to tell anyone. And I'm sure you'll be one of the first on his list.

So, as already stated, the best thing you can do is to continue the way you are in relation to your obvious acceptance of gay people (it helps a lot when you hear people being positive about homosexuality). Just continue to be a good friend. You can provide opportunities for him to speak about it: for example, you could casually bring the topic round to relationships and casually ask "is there anyone you've got your eye on at the moment?" - keeping it gender neutral, and when its just the both of you. If he feels ready, he'll tell you, if not he'll avoid the question, at which point just drop the question and change subject. I can't stress enough how important it is to let him tell you by himself. If he is, he will tell you one day, in his own time.

I wish you the best of luck, its great that you're so caring, and please feel free to ask anything else here if you want questions answered, we do our best to help :icon_bigg

 

It sounds like he's gay to me but you need to give him time. Being gay is a struggle to accept in the very beginning. So while he you may feel betrayed in him not coming out to you, you can't rush him coming out as that will do more harm than good. When he's ready to come out, he'll tell you.

 

It's very hard to come out. As for me I am an Electrical Engineer and my family are Christians. I grew up in church. Thanks to my first crush in the previous condo I was managing! I find him so attractive. I realized that I like guys and slowly admitting I am... first at work then to my friends soon my family. I know they have hints now they just would either hate or want me to confirm. Whatever the result is I know it'll be liberating.