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My friend is homophobic, possibly internalized...should I hook up with him?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Adymoe, Aug 12, 2020.

  1. Adymoe

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    I've made a previous post about this friend of mine who's 18 but I wanted to share a couple more things as I seek advice on wether to step away or just hope things get better. In my previous posts, you guys were certain this friend is a closet case. His religion makes him think that being gay is wrong, he doesn't agree with being gay, he says he doesn't like leaving the house in June because it's pride month, he only watches lesbian porn because dicks are gross and he doesn't wanna see them. At the same time, he is way too excessive with the "jokes" towards me. He's told me I'm cute and a hottie quite a few times, even caught him staring at me one time for 10 seconds and when I looked at him he said "you have a cute face" and walked away. He crawled on top of me and jokingly said "can I kiss you" while gazing into my eyes but his brother was in the room when he did that. While walking through a water park one time, 3 shirtless guys were walking towards us and I caught my friend give each of them the 'up down' look, checking out their faces, abs, and crotches. He will joke about fucking my brains out and sucking my dick. A few times he's joked about the two of us getting married one day. He told me to send him a dick pic one time and then said "eww never mind, I don't wanna see your penis". He loves getting touchy with my face and waist, always wants to have his arm around me specifically during group photos. If I confront him..he will claim it all as only jokes and assure me he's straight.

    So UPDATE is, recently he got his first girlfriend and he messeged me shortly after saying about how he ate out her pussy for the first time and found it gross...saying "eewww it tasted so bad" but he did enjoy the blowjob she gave him.
    But he also talks about how he can't wait to start a family after college and get married (I think his religion is rushing him into that based on how he talks about it)....in my previous post you all said he sounds like he's surely not straight but to be cautious...so I recently came out to him and he said he still loves me but doesn't agree with my choice to be Bi and that I'll go to hell for it. My question is, he's only 18 and already talking about starting a family after college so I'm wondering if you think that if he is gay, do you suspect he will be repressed for a looong looong time? Also he says he wants the 2 of us to get drunk together for the first time alone so should I refrain if he makes a move on me while drunk? I just wish I could help him, I obviously want us to be open with eachother. I also just can't continue to let him be outrageously flirty with me and homophobic at the same time towards me...I don't understand him ☹️
     
  2. OnTheHighway

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    Based on what you described, you should think about your own emotional well being first and foremost. Putting yourself in any position that can lead to any form of intimacy with him can potentially set you up for some real emotional pain. He has his own journey to go on, whatever direction that takes him; and right now his journey is not at all aligned with yours. Also, you may want to consider taking to him and making it clear that the flirtation makes you uncomfortable. I get that burning sensation you might have inside of you that pushes you to contemplate being intimate, but if you give in to that desire you are risking hurt down the road.
     
  3. Chip

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    This has clusterfuck written all over it. Stay the hell away from him.

    Yes, he's probably closeted. Yes, he probably would love to get into your pants. Yes, he will probably come onto you when you're both drunk, so he can use that as an excuse that he "didn't know what he was doing."

    And that would be absolutely terrible both for you and for him.

    He could end up blaming you, outing you. His family could cause all sorts of grief.

    Just... a thousand times no.

    Unfortunately, all you can do is be yourself, and gently counter the messages he has about why being gay is bad, and let him come around in his own time to figuring out that he isn't straight. If you push it, you'll likely screw up the friendship and likely make things worse for yourself.
     
  4. PatrickUK

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    No, no and no again. Do not even entertain the idea.

    You don't understand him, but the bigger problem is that he doesn't understand himself. I suspect he is trying to keep a lid on his real feelings, but too often lets the mask slip and overcompensates by telling you he watches lesbian porn and has been "eating out" his girlfriend. I suspect neither of these statements are grounded in reality and are further intended to distract you and others (and possibly himself) from the truth.

    Maybe you are right about all of the religious pressure, but let's be clear, you are not the person who is best placed to take him on a journey of self discovery away from all of that.
     
  5. mlansing

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    His behavior sounds pretty toxic and honestly why even spend your valuable time and energy on him? I get that he’s your friend, but what kind of friend tells someone they are going to hell? Not to mention all of the ways he toys with you.

    It doesn’t sound like he has much respect for himself or for you so I would suggest steering clear and letting him wrestle his demons on his own.
     
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  6. johndeere3020

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    I am writing this from the perspective of someone that although can never remember acting outwardly homophobic, was extremely inwardly homophobic. Starting at about age 14 I knew I was different and could hardly look at myself in the mirror until a couple of years ago, I'm 48 at the moment. Just reading from what is posted here I suspect that your friend is struggling with issues of attraction only know to himself. That by letting it slip and showing you how he truly feels scares him and that he needs to compensate by calling it a joke or by telling you about his sexual escapades, either real of imagined.
    I can tell you with relative certainly that if you are his experiment things will never be the same with your friendship, sex can be wonderful and great but can also bring unintended emotions. At the very least until he figures himself out. NO 18 year old needs to be thinking about marriage and children or telling a friend that he is going to hell for the way he was made.
    I would suggest setting a brick on your wall every time he makes a homophobic comment. He will either get the point to keep his mouth shut or you will find other, more accepting friends.

    Just a thought from a fellow bi boy :slight_smile:
     
    Lucy Marie and PatrickUK like this.