1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

My fourth relationship, I need your help

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by mattlovesowls3, Aug 24, 2015.

  1. mattlovesowls3

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 24, 2015
    Messages:
    3
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    San Francisco
    Gender:
    Male
    Hello all, this is my first time writing on this forum. I'm Matt I live in the US but I was born and bred in Italy. I'm 27.
    In a nutshell I'd like to tell you the story of my fourth relationship, and break up, with a request for some advice at the end.

    In my life I've never had short relationships. Before binding myself to someone I always took my time in order to be sure if there was chemistry or not.

    Before meeting this guy I came from a relationship of almost 4 years. I met this guy after almost one year and a half after this 4 years relationship ended. It was may 2014.
    We met online and it was "cam fun" at the beginning but then we realized that our compatibility was great. We had similar values, interests, personalities, and senses of humor and he told me that he was finally starting to live because of me.
    He's younger than me, in fact he was 18 at that time and now he's turning 19.
    During the first 3 months of our online relationship we planned to meet and start a true relationship.
    Unfortunately something terrible happened in my life after those 3 months and I decided to stop talking with him. I did it against my will but I didn't want to drag him with me in something so sad and problematic.
    After one month I realized the big mistake I had committed and I began to talk to him again.
    He told me that he knew we were good together but he needed time to understand and trust me again since I had hurt him very much.

    After that I did everything in my power to regain his trust, sometime acting a bit anxious because he was rude with me for no reason and I have always been sensitive to attacks.

    6 months passed, during which we had been talking almost every day and I decided to give him a trip for a festival he loved so much.
    I know it's hard to believe but I did it without double purpose. In fact I was in the same place during the trip and when he proposed to meet me I refused because I didn't want that it looked like a way to repay my gift.

    Another 3 months passed and during that period I noticed that he was inexplicably rude with me and he started to reply to my messages after 6-9-12 hours sometimes.

    On May I needed to face a surgery and I decided to give him another trip. My mind at that period was asking for pleasure and making his dream come true was the most natural thing that came into my mind.

    Few days after I told him about the travel and he told me he was in "a sort of relationship".
    He didn't want to accept my gift at first but then I convinced him to go.
    I had no problem with my surgery and even if I organize the trip so that he could have made it alone, he asked me if I wanted to meet him in that occasion.
    I told him that I thought it would have been better if we met before of the trip and so it happened.

    We hang out together for 4 days. One of these days he kissed me, hugged me and tried to have sex with me. After that we had the opportunity to talk a lot.
    I tried to tell him that I didn't mind if his relationship was short lived or long destined and he interrupted me saying "I'm not getting anything from this relationship" and then he told me that we're both fucked up and things could have gone completely differently if we had met before.
    Few days later I asked him if he told to his boyfriend what happened between us and he told me that he did "but he's got more dirt behind his nails so it wasnt a big deal" and he told me that probably he was seeing other guys.

    After 15 days we hit the road together for the travel destination. We shared the same hotel room for 8 days.

    Again and after just two weeks things were changed. He told me that his feelings where located to someone else (his boyfriend) and that the "I'm not getting anything from this relationship" was referring to not getting anything just sexually and that he couldn't repeat the same thing because his boyfriend understood how to meet his needs and showed him he could trust him.
    It seemed to fall into a nightmare and everything seemed so irrational and meaningless.
    How can you interrupt someone talking about "relationships" to say that you're "not getting anything" and then declare that it was just sexually? How can you be sure that your boyfriend is looking other guys even if you're dating him for almost 3 months and then he suddenly understood how to meet your needs and earn your trust after just 15 days?
    It all looked so unfair from my point of view.

    Distance has never been a problem for me since I have finished my studies and I can work from everywhere.
    His boyfriend lives in the same city where he's studying and his resident town is 4 hours from that city. On october he will leave for 6 months for Erasmus and that destination will be about 3.5 hours from the city where he's studying.

    Now it's been a week since the end of our vacation and I told him that I wouldn't have written any more message to him, but if he had understood something he could contact me. But I am sure that that moment will never come.
    I had the chance to talk with a guy who's his best friend and he told me that he didn't know he tried to have sex with me, and that it happened because he's stupid and he could have done it to please me but he's very much in love with his boyfriend. On the other hand he also told me that my decision of not talking to him looks like I want to cut him off like I did one year ago and he told me that he would have loved to be my friend but he respected my decision.

    Needless to say, this situation is severely undermining my well-being.

    I'm really sorry for the rambling novel. Any comments are appreciated.

    Matt.
     
  2. TeamTeal

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 21, 2015
    Messages:
    36
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    France
    Gender:
    Female
    Hmh I think you have to let him go. Sometimes, the conditions for a relationship that could have worked are not created at a specific moment, and it seems to be the case here. You shut him off at some point, he fell for someone else and even though he tried to rekindle things with you, he just wasn't there anymore.

    You gave him the option of contacting you and he hasn't. So you can assume he's moved on.
     
  3. mattlovesowls3

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 24, 2015
    Messages:
    3
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    San Francisco
    Gender:
    Male
    Hey, thank you for your comment.

    I shut him off at some point, it's true, but I haven't done it because of our relationship. It had nothing to do with it and I think he understood that.

    I am perfectly aware of the fact that letting him go would be the best for me to forget. This is not the first time I am living a separation.
    But I feel that what happened is wrong, it can't be helped.

    Regarding the option of contacting me. It was just one week ago, after our vacation has ended so not long ago, but I think that he won't contact me because I know him and he never make the first move.

    His best friend told me that not contacting him looks like I want to cut him off, so I was considering to send him a message.
     
    #3 mattlovesowls3, Aug 24, 2015
    Last edited: Aug 24, 2015
  4. Aspen

    Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 20, 2014
    Messages:
    1,384
    Likes Received:
    184
    Location:
    Ohio
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    This seems really strange to me. You're seeing this guy that you've never actually met. You buy him a trip. Then, when you happen to be traveling to the same place, you refuse to see him. How would that make you feel if the roles were reversed?

    I agree, I don't understand how both of these things are true. This guy brushes off cheating with you because his boyfriend presumably has been doing it too, but then says that he can trust his boyfriend over you? Did he perhaps find out that his boyfriend was more exclusive than he thought?

    From what you've said, I'm not sure that he did understand. You could have been up-front with him before you backed away about what was happening and why it wasn't a good time for you. Instead it sounds like you just quit talking to him.

    I agree with TeamTeal. I think it would be better to just let him go. Whatever his reasons, he's not committed to a relationship with you. Put aside what you're used to with long relationships. You explicitly put the ball in his court and if he wants to pursue a relationship with you, he will.
     
  5. TeamTeal

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 21, 2015
    Messages:
    36
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    France
    Gender:
    Female
    Well, he doesn't really seem to have understood since you said when you came back 3 months later, he needed time to understand and trust you again. No matter the reason behind your silence, he seems to have been very hurt by it.

    And like Aspen said, the ball is in his court now, it's up to him to contact you, I don't think sending another message is gonna change anything at this point.
     
  6. mattlovesowls3

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 24, 2015
    Messages:
    3
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    San Francisco
    Gender:
    Male
    I can understand that it seems strange to you. When we were traveling to the same place I refused to see him because I didn't buy him a trip to meet him, but just because provide something for him was enough for me to be happy.
    My goal had never been to buy him with gifts, and I didn't want that it looked like that.

    ---------- Post added 24th Aug 2015 at 02:15 PM ----------

     
    #6 mattlovesowls3, Aug 24, 2015
    Last edited: Aug 24, 2015