My entire family are strict Catholics. I was raised that way, but now that I’m thinking about coming out in unsure of whether to tell my family or not. I have a cousin who most of the family believes is gay (even though he never came out). They gossip about him and he has been basically shunned. I feel that if I directly came out to them they would disown me and I don’t want that. They are great people and we respect the gay community, however, none of them can fathom the thought of a lgbtq member in their own family. Should I come out to them at all or just keep it in and come out to only my lgbqt friends.
Coming out is very personal. No one person or group can give you a definite answer in coming out. There are so many variables. I wrote general tips and advice to everyone but illI post it here. I hope it helps! FYI - I have a psychology degree, worked with the LGBT community, and have a crisis intervention credential. (1) Take your time. There is absolutely no race in coming out. You can come out when you feel ready. If your safety is in jeopardy, there's no reason why you ever have to to come out. (2) Mindfulness is so important. I'd suggest meditating and writing down the thought process of your sexual identity. In general, people tend to want to escape or avoid painful feelings, and although it is completely normal, you will get the best clarity by confronting your feelings and thoughts. I challenge you to accept the feelings and thoughts as a way that your mind is trying to protect you, but not necessarily always buying what you're saying to yourself. In simpler words, you are more than any label you give yourself and you are a separate entity from your thoughts. You are solely a vessel who listens to your thoughts, and you have the power to decide to go towards or away your own values (apart from what you say/think to yourself). (3) Labeling - we get so caught up in figuring out if we are gay, straight, lesbian, bisexual, pansexual, transexualr, ect. The fact is sexuality is fluid. Dr. Kinsey made a test to show a spectrum but we're all more nuanced than that. Some people identify with one label and then decide to have another later and then may switch again and that's okay. You might feel more straight one day and more gay another or you may always feel like you're a lesbian. The point is sexuality and gender are fluid, so it might be more beneficial to figure out what individual person it is that you are attracted to more than how you identify. Labels make a person more rigid and since this is all about a fluid topic, it may be best to be flexible with the idea of what label makes your identity. Again, you are more than any a definition of a label. (4) Find a community. Welcome to EC! This is a great online community for you. When you are ready, your local LGBT community would open their arms up to support you. It's so nice to be around people just like you! (5) Be prepared before coming out. In any transition, there are the stages of grief/death that occurs. They are denial, anger, bargaining, sadness, and acceptance. Although some go straight to acceptance, some people might have some another stage to go through before getting there. I wish for you all the love and support. We're all here for you to answer any questions. The EC community is amazing and helped me when I needed support getting out the closet, too. <3
My family is homophobic as well. While I wasn't ready to come out to them, I had to. It wasn't pretty and we had arguments for weeks about it, a lot of crying and blame game going around. But I'm glad I did come out to them, since now I can slowly work on getting them to accept me for what I am. It is an uphill road, but I haven't given up. They remain tight-lipped about my "sexuality", haven't told any relatives or friends and made me promise I won't out myself to the world (including family, relatives and friends) because they don't want their "position" and "respect" in society to be affected and people to question them on their "parenting". It's humbling to see how parents deal with it too. I'm given them all the time I can to understand. So I'd advise you to do what you feel you want to. I stay and home with parents, so even after coming out to them, I couldn't and didn't want to move out. That said, you need to decide if you can deal with the questions, the accusations and the lashing your parents and other family members might end up saying. They'll go through a variety of emotions and you need to stay strong throughout that. So come out to them only if you're prepared to deal with that and look them in the eye everyday. If you'll feel better having a place to go to and want to be in a scenario where you don't' want to sit a the breakfast table with them after coming out, giving yourself and them time to deal with it, then I'd advise you wait till you move out to come out to them. In the end, coming out is something in your hands and you need to be comfortable.
If you’re in college, are you financially independent yet? Would you be able to complete your degree if they shunned you? If not, it might be better to hold off until you finish that and are financially independent.
Eventually I would tell them, after your on your own. I never officially told my parents. I kinda wish I had.
Thanks everyone who replied! I feel that I sometimes have a warped view of the lgbtq community due to how I grew up and this advice really helped. Though I’m not yet sure of what I’m going to do. I feel a bit better knowing there are so many people in similar situations and so many people here supporting each other.
Also keep in mind that you can be fully out at college while remaining in the closet with your family. I have a friend who didn't come out to his family until he was about to get MARRIED. He is a bit into the extreme, but its very doable to do if that is what you want for you. My family is also catholic. When I came out a lot of people had difficulties, but most of them have been okay with it. I think some of them still think I won't get into heaven, but that's as bad as it gets. Being an atheist, its insulting that being gay is the only reason they think I won't get into heaven, but that's another conversation lol When you feel safe enough to come out, be cautious but you can still hold hope for your family. A lot of families come around eventually.
If you're still financially dependent on them, I would hold off until you are able to live independent without them, that way you aren't struggling with other things like a place to live, and the expenses of school. But you know your situation better than anyone, and at the end of the day, its what you are most comfortable with.
My family is homophobic as well but whats even worse is the fact that it means I can’t even talk to my sisters then. The other day i over heard one of my sisters talking to her friends over the phone and she was like she doesn’t really mind gay people but she does mind if they are related to her and she wouldn’t accept them then. And to be honest when I heard her say that i wanted to cry but I’ve kind of gotten used to hearing all my family members say such stuff, although it really hurts every time they do.They’re religious-(moslem) and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to come out to them. But I recently came out as lesbian to my friends this year and i feel a lot better about myself because they were really nice about it and accepting.
