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My EX girlfriend outed me (31M) at work, i have no idea what to do....

Discussion in 'Coming Out Stories' started by Alexvivid1, Aug 11, 2019.

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  1. Alexvivid1

    Alexvivid1
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    hi, im a 31 YO male who is a very well respected manager at my workplace, my ex an I had dated for 10 years before we broke up as I started to have feelings towards men, we had a discussion and agreed to stay friends but become separated, she only works for me as i got her the job myself being a manager n all, anyways after the break up she right away started dating one of my associates who works directly for me updated her profile on FB as in a relationship with this guy, she got pregnant with him after 3 months and outed me at work all very quickly, i trusted her a lot and i did tell her i may never come out as im only bi-curious, can i deny her accusations? Can i do anything to soften the huge blow this has had to me? Please give advice i only found out she outed me on friday we dont work on weekends so im dreading tomorrow (Monday) i feel really scared
     
    #1 Alexvivid1, Aug 11, 2019
  2. bingostring

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    She has behaved very disrespectfully

    but what is done is done and you are just going to have to tough it out .... put on your best suit of armour and face work tomorrow like any other day.

    It is nobody’s business but your own.
     
    #2 bingostring, Aug 11, 2019
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  3. Alexvivid1

    Alexvivid1
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    Thanks for your kind words it means a lot at this time, i dont know what to say if someone approaches me, can i deny the accusations? I really dont want to be known as gay as im really into girls I actually am talking to this beautiful girl who im hoping to marry in future and this is putting a wrench in the gears, i am totally lost and scared
     
    #3 Alexvivid1, Aug 11, 2019
  4. silverhalo

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    Hey I am really sorry she did that to you, that is a really horrible thing to do. She is obviously showing her true colours. As for what you can do, you can do whatever you want, if you want to deny it you are well within your right, it is nobody's business but your own. Another option is just go in on Monday and if anyone asks you just say, yeah I am bi so what. I know that is really difficult when you weren't necessarily ready or planning this but honestly, the less you make of it and the less bothered you seem about it the quicker it will blow over and everyone will move onto the next thing.
     
    #4 silverhalo, Aug 11, 2019
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  5. Alexvivid1

    Alexvivid1
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    Thank you, for me to be honest going as bi or gay is not an option at the moment i just hate it that she has done this to me, i have so much to lose and im very scared to be outed as, if my future wife finds out she will be devastated and i love her, i ended things in the best way possible with my ex with all kind words, i helped her when she moved out too and even bought her flowers for womans day when she still didn’t have a guy in her life, I trusted her a lot, it just goes to show you cant share your secrets with anyone, i was bi curious and now i have lost all feelings for men as all i can imagine is what has happened when i tried it once, im torched basically but i will go into work and deny everything tomorrow, hope it blows over soon and as you said i will make no big fuss about it, thanks again hugs x
     
    #5 Alexvivid1, Aug 11, 2019
  6. silverhalo

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    No problem. I do just have one thing that I think you should consider. I dont know what happened when you tried it and perhaps for you the bicurious thoughts will never return but I think most people on EC would agree that if they have surfaced once and disappeared because of a negative interaction then the most likely scenario is that at some point in the future they will return. This could be in a month, in 6 month, 6 years or 20 years who knows but even if you deny these statements tomorrow I think you should try and get to the bottom of the feelings in your own head and come to terms with whatever they are. If it does turn out that you are bisexual, I dont think this is something that you should have to keep secret from your future wife because secrets in a relationship tend to only do one thing which is eat away at them. I am not telling you this to change your course of action tomorrow, if you aren't ready you aren't ready but just something for you to consider moving forward.
     
    #6 silverhalo, Aug 11, 2019
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  7. Alexvivid1

    Alexvivid1
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    Yes thats a very good way if putting it, i know i will probably have the feelings resurfaced after this fear and anxiety is gone, i need to be honest with my wife and tell her the truth and i will make sure of that, the thing is im just burnt atm and its a sad and anxious feeling for me when i even begin to imagine what caused me to be in this situation i feel almost guilty for doing what i have done, im really glad i came on this site today, thanks for your advice
     
    #7 Alexvivid1, Aug 11, 2019
  8. silverhalo

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    No worries, there is nothing wrong with now not being the right time. Just make sure it happens when the time is right. EC is always here if you need to chat.
     
    #8 silverhalo, Aug 11, 2019
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  9. Alexvivid1

    Alexvivid1
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    Thank you, im just going to work and act like nothing has happened, in the end of the day there is absolutely nothing wrong with being gay, bi lesbian trans etc so its no big deal whichever way you look at it, i know I haven’t done anything wrong and don’t owe anyone any explanation, im a professional at my work and will keep it that way, i hope to be stronger as this situation has made me stronger than before, i like the support much love to all LGBTQ out there
     
    #9 Alexvivid1, Aug 11, 2019
  10. Chip

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    Question: What objective negative outcomes would be of people knowing you are gay/bi? My sense is that in the UK it really isn't a big deal to be gay or bi in most areas these days. I'm sure there are pockets of bigotry here or there, in certain areas or certain industries, but one thing to consider is if this is a real problem, or only one driven by your own shame and lack of worthiness (which are pretty much co-incident with being closeted.)

    If, in fact, there really aren't serious negative outcomes, other than your being uncomfortable for a bit, and people having to get used to this one, pretty insignificant fact about you, you might actually, once you "rip off the band aid", feel a whole lot better about yourself by simply owning it. Denying it is going to push you further in the closet, which is going to negatively impact your worthiness and self-esteem. And if there is any possibility of texts or other written materials that support your girlfriend's claims, then I'd suggest even more strongly considering just owning it. One thing you don't want is to damage your own credibility by denying something, only to have someone provide proof.

    Now... I'm not saying that denying it is a bad thing; it may be appropriate under the current circumstances; I can't know that because I don't know the specifics of your situation. What I can tell you is that very often, people find that the fears they have are actually just irrational fears connected to shame and lack of worthiness, and once they push through them... they discover that it was all basically BS and they feel much better at the end of the day.

    So... take that for what it's worth and perhaps give some thought to it.
     
    #10 Chip, Aug 11, 2019
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  11. Alexvivid1

    Alexvivid1
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    Wow, I really didn’t think of it that way, putting it as lightly as you have done is making the process more easy to digest and it gives me a lighter feeling about the situation, im not sure how it would affect my life to be honest but im still a little afraid, all i can do is to be brave and if anyone approaches me i will reply with yeah and so what and move forward like silverhalo mentioned above, i have to slap on a brave and very calm face today when i go to work, in my mind i will the issue as small as possible, lets hope for the best, thanks for your support guys i cant thank this site enough its giving me hope and courage which I thought i had lost for good
     
    #11 Alexvivid1, Aug 12, 2019
  12. silverhalo

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    Hey hope today went ok.
     
    #12 silverhalo, Aug 12, 2019
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  13. Alexvivid1

    Alexvivid1
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    Its gone very well so far thanks, i have been here for 6 hours, I haven’t been approached about it at all, i have been joking and talking as normal, its just a normal day, i did get a couple of stares but thats all, I couldn’t be happier hope every day will be the same as today, that said i have 2.5 hours left of the shift hope I haven’t jinxed it lol, im happy with the outcome so far
     
    #13 Alexvivid1, Aug 12, 2019
  14. silverhalo

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    I am sure the worst part was the thought of coming in. Often what we imagine in our mind is way worse than the reality. In our head it is a big thing but sometimes to others its actually not as big. The stares might not even have been related but our mind can connect dots sometimes when it is feeling vulnerable. Fingers crossed until the end but I am sure you are going to be ok.
     
    #14 silverhalo, Aug 12, 2019
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  15. Alexvivid1

    Alexvivid1
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    Thanks, i have not been approached about the issue at all, somehow deep down i know that people know but they just dont say anything at all, its a good thing that noone is saying anything and act normal but I don’t really know why i am feeling slightly down all the time, its a big change of outlook for me and i dont know how to get used to it, especially since im not fully gay/bi or anything, i was merely experimenting and i just kissed a guy once and this happened, I feel like my heart is in a dark place even though there is no reaction from people but just the fact of knowing that they know is getting me down, not sure what to do really....
     
    #15 Alexvivid1, Aug 16, 2019
  16. silverhalo

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    You just need to give yourself some time. It isn't that uncommon to have some wobbles after coming out, especially in a situation like this where it wasn't something you planned to do. I think a lot of it is about loosing control of the information. Whilst we are completely in the closet and we have total control over who and what happens to the information. Once a few people know its almost like we have stepped across the point of no return where we can completely forget it ever happened if we chose to. It takes time for us to see that even though people have this information, it isn't a problem and actually to them its not a big thing.
     
    #16 silverhalo, Aug 16, 2019
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  17. Alexvivid1

    Alexvivid1
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    #17 Alexvivid1, Aug 17, 2019
  18. Alexvivid1

    Alexvivid1
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    Things have been better recently, the only thing i have changed is that i keep telling myself to love myself, i need to love myself and the rest will be ok, i love who i am and i will not change as that’s impossible so i have to agree and love the person i am, i hope this message helps someone else out there too as its a very strong tool
     
    #18 Alexvivid1, Aug 19, 2019
  19. silverhalo

    silverhalo
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    Congratulations.
     
    #19 silverhalo, Aug 19, 2019
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  20. Alexvivid1

    Alexvivid1
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    Thanks silverhalo, you guys on this site are the best ppl on earth, f**k the haters, YOLO
     
    #20 Alexvivid1, Aug 19, 2019
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