My dysphoria is becoming unbearable, and I am rapidly loosing hope.

I am going to talk about my current situation and mental state revolving around gender dysphoria. This includes the dysphoria about the menstrual cycle, dysphoria about my chest, and feeling hopeless. It is going to be very pessimistic because that is how I am feeling right now, but these feelings intrude my daily life.

After going to therapy for a couple months, my therapist was trying to help me find solutions to stoping the period, and I decided that the pills would be best for me. Even though my parents have talked to professionals and gotten me birth control pills that will stop the period so that it would ease my gender dysphoria, I have still gotten a period. I feel like i have failed and screwed up my mental state even more because for maybe three or four days out of a couple months that I was taking the pills, I took them a few hours too late because of certain circumstances. I feel like I only have myself to blame right now, but another part of me just hates the world for forcing me into this body. I am also very dysphoric about my chest and I've been trying to wear the binder but its not exactly the most comfortable thing even though I have the right size. I am just never going to be okay with living like this. I don't even expect to be happy, I just want to get rid of my body and not feel constantly miserable whenever I look in the mirror, go to the bathroom, take a shower, or just exist. The period makes me extremely depressed and I can't being myself to do much. I wish i was never born because then I wouldn't have to deal with the feeling of hating living so much, but not wanting to kill myself because I have too many dreams for my future. I'm so tired of people telling me to focus on the positive because it doesn't work with how I think. The positive doesn't cancel out the negative and vice versa. It is just that the negatives are so great in impact and quantity that it is all that matters because it is getting to a point where I need to distract myself from reality in order to not be in constant distress. I've already tried therapy but after several weeks all I was getting was shallow responses even though I was going into extreme depth about what I was feeling, taking the time to write down how and why I felt certain ways. Instead of getting ways to fix things all I was told is that what I am feeling is valid. I don't even care if what im feeling is valid, I don't need someone to validate my thoughts because it's not going to change them. I don't want to go to school anymore because of my dysphoria but I have to force myself to go just like I force myself to do everything else I don't want to do. I don't even know what to do, everything that I do to try and alleviate any dysphoria just feels like a band-aid on a bullet wound. If I stop taking the pills or if I take it too late a day or two, I spiral into a pit of misery that I dont even want to claw myself out of because I'll never be satisfied with the situation. When I put the binder on it doesn't change the fact that there is breast tissue underneath, and if anything the binder just reminds me of it because the binder is something I constantly feel on my body. And even when I think I'm getting used to it, when I take it off nothing has ultimately changed. I've been wanting to get surgery for several years but my parents don't think it's a good idea, and I understand their perspective on how it is better to wait until I'm older. It is just so difficult because it feels like my happiness has been ripped away from me by something I had no control over. It's just annoying because if I never existed in the first place I wouldn't have to deal with having such a miserable existence yet still having enough motivation to live. I'm having a hard time believing that anything will ever get better, I don't even know what therapy is supposed to be like, if I'm just not putting enough effort in, if I don't have the right idea of what im supposed to get out of therapy, or if I'm not finding the right person. I hate talking to people as well. Anything that is physically in the real world and pertains to myself feels so detached from how I actually feel inside. I am also just so exhausted from feeling this way, and everything I do to try and make it better has led to a dead end or hasn't been good enough to make me feel any less horrible.
I am sorry that this was extremely negative and close-minded. I am self aware enough to realize none of this is very mature. Sometimes it just feels better to be heard then to sit in my room alone, devastated by my own life.

have any of you felt or are feeling this way? how did you deal with waiting for things to get better when all you want to do is to be in control and be responsible for your own happiness? How do I deal with the feeling of never being comfortable or being able to enjoy life? And, how do I deal with hating the world for making me this way? I dont know what to be mad at, but being mad and upset is clearly not helping me. I just don't know what else I can do. I know I need help and my parents know I need help too, but nothing is getting better even when I think that I'm trying really hard.

 

Thank you so much for your response, I really do appreciate it greatly. I think that trying to transition socially first and then if my family and I think I am ready for medical transition to do that second is a good idea. I was considering HRT eventually but I kind of discarded the idea because I was unsure if the change of voice would shock me, but it is something I have been thinking about still, so maybe it is an option after all. Thank you for bringing up more options, sometimes I tend to fixate on things and forget about the other options I have because of various paranoia.

Luckily I have many hobbies and passions that keep me going, and its probably the reason why Im not worse then I am right now. I like drawing and making manga as well as studying Japanese so there is often a reliable way for me to get absorbed in my work.

I have a vision for the future but it is often overshadowed by my current problems, so I will try to tackle my problems step by step and I think that i will try to transition socially and then, assuming that gender dysphoria is still negatively impacting my life (which is more then likely, but I will see eventually), medically.
Tommorow I am getting a haircut but I don't know if I'll cut it short this time.
(I know that as long as I have long hair, there are not going to be many people who look at me the way I look at myself, but I don't want to rush to do something I am hesitant on doing just to appease scociety so they stop calling me a girl. It is tricky though, since I want people to stop calling me a girl :/ I am conflicted but I guess it is just hair so maybe I will just try it soon anyway because I could just grow it back if I wanted)

Thank you so much again for your advice, I will continue to do what makes me happy, and I will also look at more of my options for medical as well as social transition

 

Thank you for responding to me, I'm not used to people saying such heartfelt things to me, I thought I might regret posting something so concerning but you and the other person who responded have shown me such kindness and I truly appreciate it. You have helped to bring me out of a dark place for now, and while it may only be temporary, I gratefully appreciate any relief/reassurance I can get.

I know that therapy is likely the next step to trying to find strategies for dealing with gender dysphoria while I am still transitioning and considering what I do and do not want to do medically and socially. I am also aware that not trying therapy again because I believe it won't help means It's unlikely I make any progress on my mental health. A friend of mine is also having a hard time with mental health, and has attempted therapy which didn't work out. I think we are similar in a lot of ways, feelinging hopeless, mad at the world, and like nothing will ever get better. But it seems like my friend has nothing to keep him motivated and has unfortunately said how he thinks he is a failure with nothing special about him. However I am a bit different in that sence, because I love my abilities, my passions, and what makes me myself, and have worked hard because of the belief in my ability to improve. This is also a big reason why I would never consider suicide, even though I hate living too often to tolerate. (it is a bit of a contradiction but I hope you can see why I am safe from death by my own hands)

when I tried therapy for the first time they were a horrible therapist (my parents agreed, it was not just me). I thought I would never try again, but my steadily declining mental state paired with a lack of an outlet and knowing that I wasnt doing anything to get better made me eventually become desperate enough to try again.
This time I lasted a lot longer, but the problem was that it felt like I was just trying to "last," instead of trying to make progress. I didn't like the person and how they responded to me, I never felt like I was understood even when going into depth. I eventually stopped going which leads me to now.
I am starting to go through the cycle again where after therapy, I don't ever want to do it again, then I calm down and rationalize, and then after awhile I become desperate again and try therapy. Although it not good to wait until I can't take it any longer, I don't want to go into therapy with sour feelings about the entire concept of therapy as a whole. It just wouldn't end well since you have to want therapy for it to work. I feel I just need time between therapists and allow myself to say to myself that I don't have to go back to therapy. It's extremely exhausting to poor your heart out and explain your entire mental health problem that has so many layers it could easily take hours to explain. I think to prepare for therapy I will write down in-depthly my situation, why I am having a hard time making progress, what I wish to achieve from therapy, and any background information that may help me and a therapist to not beat around the bush or give answers that lead to no where. I am getting to that point again where I am considering therapy, and I feel the gap between leaving a therapist and getting a new one is only going to get smaller the more it doesn't work. still, although I understand that therapy will help, I need to take my time to regroup. I'll remember that although time is the best medicine, it isn't a cure. I won't give up, but the road ahead for me seems to be a grueling and painful one. I just have to keep telling myself it's impossible to live forever like this, I would never let myself do nothing for years to come, especially in the future when I have gotton a better grasp on what exactly I wish to change and by what means without being limited by age and other constraints.

thank you again for responding, this website would mean nothing to me if there weren't the amazing, understanding and positive people here that take the time to think about what people are going through. I feel like many people on this forum including you truly understand that each individual has a life as complex and intricate as their own.