My daugher is gender fluid, Bi-romantic and asexual

Hey welcome to EC you have definitely come to the right place to ask questions and vent.

Congratulations for being a supportive parent. These things can come as a real shock to the system and it's perfectly ok to be sad at first.

You have my greatest sympathies, it's ok to be scared and frustrated about this but just for a minute try and imagine how Jess feels, this is her life, I'm sure she doesn't want to have to explain it to everyone, I'm sure she wishes she didn't feel feminine some days and male other but she can't change that.
Don't get me wrong you sound like a great Mum and you are trying, you are just understandably struggling a little and there is no shame in that. I'm sure Jess doesn't expect you to get it right every time but it sounds like she would really appreciate it if you could just try. Maybe you can try and use Jess and them/their when you are around her but maybe she when you are talking about her to people she isn't out to. I'm not saying it would be easier but maybe it would be a compromise.

Have you checked out the PFLAG website? I don't know if it will be any use to you. I am sure some people who know more and have first hand experience of gender fluid will come and post on your thread but for now don't be so hard on yourself. Be proud that you have created an environment where your daughter feels she can tell you these things trust me it isn't easy. Take care

 

Hey, I can't really comment of the gender stuff because I've never been there but I just want to say that I really think you should be proud of yourself. Even though you are struggling with this, it sounds to me like you are trying your best to support Jess as she is going through all of this. That is definitely more than a lot of people can say and I'm sure Jess see's how hard you are trying and appreciates it.

 

Hey no worries, sorry I can't be more help.

I just want to check I understand right, Jess is out to your husband but he is less accepting and you think he won't accept anyone using they/them?

 

I guess my advice would be for the people that can use them to use them, so if your husband can't fine that is his decision but I think if you could do it and your sister and Julia that would mean so much to Jess. You are doing a great job.

 

Another possible solution, if you want to avoid explaining Jess' gender identity every time you have a conversation is to avoid pronouns as much as possible.

 

I consider myself bigender (okay its either bigender or genderqueer at this point) and honestly i think your child wanting you to switch back and forth seems a bit much...like, without a daily status update, how will you know what to call Jess? What is Jess's specific feelings on the matter? Like does being called by only a girl pronoun feel wrong, restrictive, etc? Speaking of, notice that i am avoiding pronouns. I would advice asking Jess's opinion on the matter specifically in regards to being in public...but you can speak in such a way as to avoid using pronouns. Or even maybe Jess could use they/them in public. Idk ask your kid lol. Just warning you but Jess might eventually decide Jess isn't the right name and pick a new one. That's what i've done, i just haven't told anyone.

 

Yeah it would sound weird. You should ask Jess about it sometime, what pronouns to use in public. She, he, or they. They is gender-neutral but could still get questions. It all depends on how uncomfortable she is w/ female pronouns and how much she wants the general public to know. Your idea is a good one. Maybe a bit of trial and error around family will help her figure out what pronouns she prefers to use. She might not know for sure yet.

 

Sandcar,

I just want to remind you that YOU ARE A GREAT MOTHER for doing this. Even researching and just going up and beyond for your daughter is so amazing. I wish I could be so open with my mother.

With this kind of openness and communications between your daughter and you, you guys will be alright. It is just the beginning stages for Jess until she actually figures out what Jess is. Once she feels comfortable, everything else will fall into place. Be patient and keep up with the communication.

Good luck and stay positive!

 

Hello,
Personally I think that the pronoun task is a task that a parent should take on, whether willing or not. It shows that you will take small steps in accepting Jess and that you are dedicated to making Jess feel comfortable and happy in themself. If you don't want to explain it, there are two options:
Say that it isn't really their business (if they're rude) and that your child is gender fluid. You don't have to explain it, let them do the rest.
Look into a different, gender neutral pronoun. Such as they/them. It is a plural and singular word and can be used to identify a person of unspecified gender. It's used in the same way as usual, "Jess likes art, it is their favourite topic. They are good at art and many people congratulate them on their work." Is an example.
Hope it helps!

 

Asking you sometimes to use female pronouns and sometimes to use male is ridiculous. How are you supposed to keep that up? You are probably stopping her from becoming withdrawn from you by trying to accept her... but I think you need to get her to at least drop the switching pronouns. Don't let her get used to that one. You say she doesn't have many friends? She's not gonna do well with meeting new people if she starts enforcing weird rules that no-one can keep up with as soon as she meets them.

I think what you need to do is trying and get her social life going again. Find her some social activities she might be into. Classes, clubs etc. Does she have a job? I'm just suspicious of how she keeps coming up with a new, more contraversial identity every now and then. She doesn't have many friends - she feels like a social outcast - so I feel like it may be a bit of a self defence mechanism to start to idenitfy with being so very different and misunderstood, instead of trying to fit in which is obviously hard for her. It's an understandable reaction, but you can't just play along with her trying to alienate herself more and more. Bring her back to reality a bit and try and get her interacting with her peers in real life rather than strangers on the internet that will go along with anything she says. Having few friends, unsuccessful relationships, and living a life on the internet (not healthy) may be making her pretty depressed so you should adress that before you can be taking her constantly evolving identities seriously. Maybe even therapy.might help. 26 and still struggling socialy.. that's something that needs to be dealt with now.

 

If being genderfluid is the issue in socialising, maybe she could try activities, hobbies, that are consistent with her sense of self? That helps a lot with feeling lonely. Really. And best if it's flesh contact. Some art club or sport. I personally like karate. Could be theatre, sculpture, music, poetry readings, biking clubs, hiking clubs, chess... been there, done that...

 

That's great advice! Many of us get caught up in figuring out where we fit. I've seen so many of my friends benefit greatly from stepping outside there shell into a great new world. Ussually that involved travel and such, but I'd imagine life is your own adventure to pursue by any means you see fit -- along with sound advice