I'm currently taking a break to focus on uni stuff and self care, but I needed to vent. I honestly think there is no advice that anyone can give here and what would work. I have tried everything. I've been warning him that he walks on thin ice. This is how far I've been taken. I don't think he's 100% on control over what he says, but even so it still all hurts a lot, when your own parent only sees all of your imperfections and brings them out and reminds you about every little mistake you have done, even if time has passed and even brings out how you have nothing you are good at. I've never been too close with my dad. Only been close to my mom and sis. My aunt once brought out how they went to visit their aquintances family and how they all hugged and showed affection, but they don't see that in our house, what at the time I didn't pay any attention to. I just thought how nice that is. In my house we really never hugged. When I was in first grade I always sat on my grandmas lap before school. It fully calmed me down. I have hugged my mom, but never my dad. If I try to hug him now as an adult then he don't like it. He is like a cold ice block. My sis always have got along better with him and even mom too. I think there has been some jealousy there. The fact that I lack some stuff that I should have got is what has been bothering me and why I am even considering trauma therapy. Writing it all down made me cry. It's good though. It helps and makes me feel a bit lighter. There is no use discussing it all with him. I have long given up, but it still all hurts. We never even say things like love you. Also I live with them, mainly because they have disabilities and they need my help and I don't have the finances to move out. I can't even live my own life withouth having to let them know where I am and when I come back despite being 33 and talking about it to them how embarrassing it is, if they always call me. I would never introduce to them any future girlfriends, because my dad would manage to say something rude. I see the scenarious in my mind. I'm codependent on them. I always put their needs above my own. I do it automatically, even if I don't want to.
I'm sorry his rude behavior is hurting you again. You do so much for your family and he still acts so bad, it's his fault and you deserve better. I'm sorry
I am sorry you have to deal with that. Parent relationships can be difficult. Just today I was talking to my Dad on the phone and I was telling him an issue I was having with a friend, and for some reason he got all pushy about how I should handle it and it really got under my skin. As the saying goes, of course our parents push our buttons, they installed them! All jokes aside, I hope you find peace with it. You are always so non-judgmental and helpful in your replies to people, and I am sure I am not the only one who appreciates that.
Thank you guys for the good wishes. I really cherish them. Hugs your way. Yeah. It's like them pushing their ideals onto their children. Nothing much can be done there. They very rarely try to change their ways. Thank you. I know for a fact that there are members who disagree there, but as long as there are people who find what I do helpful, then it's all what matters to me. I know I can't please everybody. I'm not perfect and make mistakes and am strict and I doubt and worry over things a lot including the moderation decisions, but everyone in the forum are always so kind towards me including the members and other staff and I love you all forever for that.
Hugs. It's funny how I only now have realized so many things. Things that I was blind to previously. Rest of my relatives aren't much better and when I call them out, then I'm the bad person.
Dear Ran, It reads to me like you have clear vision and understanding of your situation. Neither of your parents is being a parent to you. A parents primary responsibility is to help their child become an independent adult, instead they are controlling and using you. Their disabilities are not your responsibility, and them weaponizing their disabilities to guilt and shame you, to use you, is unconscionable and not what a loving parent does. A loving parent wants their child to be free and thrive, and that means free of them as well, independent. We see it in nature all around us. i hope you reach a place soon where you can move out and have your own life on your terms, not theirs. <3
Why are you so formal with me? If I'd still be in the healthcare profession, then you could almost say that we are colleagues. I doubt I will move out. I will inherit the house we live in and as cruel as it sounds I'm sure I will get to be more free then. I couldn't imagine living in a rental property. I wouldn't have enough finances for it anyway.
my use of the word "dear" was intended affectionately (as in literally calling you a dear person), not formally, though i can see where that may not come across if English is not your first language. And i can see where you are not in a situation to move out... it doesn't seem "cruel" to me at all that you stand to be more free when you inherit the house, it seems hopeful.
Ah I see. I'm so used to using it in a formal way and I've been a bit in an annoyed mood today, so it looked formal and I didn't like it. I do know it's used informally too. And thank you for the reply. I appreciate it.
Thank you. I think I took out it on you, because I was feeling very annoyed, but today I feel much better. Sleeping helped, but I wanted to say sorry too, since I felt guilty about it. I think yesterday anyone who would've got into my attention would have gotten scolding. I shouldn't comment with a bad mood.
It must be really difficult Ran . Co-dependency is a really difficult one and I'm sorry your dad doesn't appreciate you.
Thank you Kate. I mainly posted it to vent a little, because I needed it, but I appreciate all the kind replies. Sorry I haven't replied to your PM just yet. I will be replying soon. I just been busy and out of energy at times.
Have you tried calling your dad out on all his BS? I don't think the term narcissist is strong enough for him. Since he's giving you a piece of his mind I would dish it right back. I know disturbing the peace may not be the best solution, but you suffering in silence is not the answer either. Don't be afraid to shake the cage. Show them you deserve respect and your not just going to take it silently. Also don't resign yourself to outliving your abusers. I have known many old adults and abused wives take that route and it did not work out well for them. I know you rely on them to support you for now, but at least leave the door open and continue to look for different living options. Also put yourself first. You do a lot of inward thinking about your past. Now apply that to your future as well. you need both. I also had an abusive father growing up and an overprotective mother. Basically I couldn't do anything without them micromanaging me and criticizing my choices. Long story short I told them to teach me how to grow up and be independent or get out of the way so I can do it myself. So they got out of the way with protest. So you may just have to put your foot down and tell them how it is. Your incredible person Rain and you deserve better
Yeah I have and several times. He don't see nothing wrong with what he does. His attitude is that I'm right and you're wrong. Once he did say that sometimes he says stuff withouth thinking of them, but it was only once. He's not trying to fix his behaviour or anything. He's 60 years old. Calling it all abuse though is something I'm not sure about. It's awful to even think of it all as abuse. I'd also have hard time leaving them. It kinda feels like betrayal. In here you're also a bad child, if you don't look out for your parents. I did think of wanting my own place. It somehow would give me some security, even if I wouldn't live there right away. But with many things I'm very apprehensive.
