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My dad says insensitive things.. How do I react?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by NickiFire, Oct 5, 2019.

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  1. NickiFire

    NickiFire
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    Hey everyone! It's been a while. I'm 21 and I've been out for 2 years. My mom is extremely supportive and has suggested I join the LGBTQ+ club on campus, etc, to meet new people like me. I'm not sure how to feel about my dad. Him and I have an extremely close relationship, but he constantly says things that hurt me. Whenever my mom suggests I join an LGBTQ+ club, or I say there's a pride parade happening, my dad's face flips and he goes "That's not your thing is it?" or "You don't want to be seen 'leading the parade with rainbows painted on you'" and stuff like that. And he says it with just enough venom in his voice that I know he is disgusted by those people. I mentioned a queer prom and his face looked disgusted and he said "don't say that word" (queer) and "that was used to describe really weird people back in my day". Last night my family was having a really nice conversation about me finding someone and then my mom left, and my dad started talking about this time he asked a gay girl out, and wouldn't take no for an answer, and kept bugging her (she turned him down and nothing happened). And then launched into a story of how he was talking to a gay girl and she said she wanted to be with a guy that night. Then when I explained that there's a spectrum, but I'm on the 100% into girls side (as I've said a million times), he went "well there's always a small part of me that hopes you'll end up with a man". He says these things, but then says that he loves and supports me for who I am, but it really just doesn't feel that way. My dad is someone I am extremely close with and when he talks like this, it really hurts me. I don't know what to do.
     
    #1 NickiFire, Oct 5, 2019
  2. Chip

    Chip
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    Why not read this post to him directly? What's going on here, I'm pretty sure, is his own fear, motivated by not understanding LGBT people and, likely, not knowing a whole lot of them (or at least, not knowing he knows gay people.)

    Given that you have this close relationship with him, he's struggling with redefining who you are in his mind, and what he wants is for you to go back to being who you were (which is, of course, impossible, as you've always been this way.)

    But I'm confident, given what you've said, that he doesn't intend to hurt you. I think if you show him what you wrote, and this thread, and maybe even invite him to join EC, that could really be good for both of you.
     
    #2 Chip, Oct 6, 2019
  3. bingostring

    bingostring
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    It’s probably a combination of his base instinct to want to protect you and not yet 100% able to accept things the way they are.
    Maybe your mother could work on him as your ally and you can work on him too in some 1:1 time together?
     
    #3 bingostring, Oct 7, 2019
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