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My Cheating Boyfriend.

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Itisthefear, Dec 30, 2016.

  1. Itisthefear

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    Well...Hey Guys, Happy Holidays and Merry Xmas.
    Me and my boyfriend have been together for about a year now. I never really had 100% trust in him but i thought he would never cheat on me.

    So it all began about 3 months ago. i snook in his Messenger and saw that he was chatting with this guy. Nothing extreme was happening my Boyfriend was the one who started the conversation and he was making compliments to the other guy.

    I thought to myself that you know it's okey, its just flirting. He knows the boundaries so there's no need to worry (silly me). About a month later i checked his Messenger again and they were talking about me. i didnt have the time to read much but My boyfriend was telling this other guy that he doesn't know if he will ever find someone to live him like i do.

    I wasn't sure at that moment if what he said was a bad thing or a good one....Time went by and about 2 weeks ago i had to leave my hometown for a week and my boyfriend visited me there for a day. While he was in the shower i snook into his phone again. my boyfriend had told that other guy that i will be away from town and that it would be a great oportunity to meet for a hookup. He also sent him a nude pic and he was very persistant about meeting. The other guy wasn't really that interested, he told him he had to study so they actually didn't meet that day.
    My hands were shaking while i was reading through their messages. i couldnt believe he would go over boundaries with this guy, and that he would insist so much about meeting him. I had never given him a reason to doubt my love to him and that's what he did to repay that, Thoughts like that were penetrating my mind and they just wouldnt leave.

    Once my boyfriend got off the shower i told him that we will spend this night together like a normal couple and the next day we will part ways once and for all.
    He kept asking me why crying like a little baby. i told him that i looked through his messages and that i knew he was talking with this guy for a while now.
    He didnt say anything, all he did was crying and begging me to give him a 2nd chance. i would never give someone a 2nd chance when it came to cheating...He kept begging me in tears for the rest of the day and the following day as well. It was probably one of the worst nights of my life.
    He wouldnt let me go. He was literally clanging from me and he was crying like a little baby (im 23 he is 20). I couldnt take any more of this. i was so emotionally heartbroken and all i wanted to do was dissapear. I couldnt just dumb him and go away we were both at this city and the only way to return back was with my car so i had to spend the day with him.
    Spending all that time with him made my anger go away and i eventually gave in to his desperate beggings. i told him he has 1 more chance and if he screws up again ill dissappear once and for all from his life.

    Ever since that day he is like a different person. All he does it telling me how much he loves me and that i mean the world to him. He keeps showing me how much he loves me and i am not comfortable with it. its too overwelming for me at this point. i just want to forget but i cant. whenever im alone i always think of what he did to me and how foolish i became.
    I dont know what to do guys. I love him so much i even let my own Ego down but it hurts me. i can't make a decision whether i shud stay with him or start all over with someone else. It's all so confusing for me.

    Thank you for reading in Advance.
     
  2. Chiroptera

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    There are people who say things like "oh, i cheated because you didn't love me enough" or "well, i'm wrong, but i cheated because you didn't do X i asked you during sex". That is bullshit.

    Cheating is wrong, period. There is no "but...". Don't blame yourself, it isn't your fault.
    The part in bold is really important.

    Some things to consider:
    -Why are you in this relationship?
    -Are you in the relationship only because he insisted and you tried to avoid the confrontation of a break up?
    -Do you want to be in a relationship with someone you aren't comfortable with?
    -Even if he is legitimately sorry (which is debatable), will you ever be comfortable knowing you are with someone that broke your trust?
    -Is this relationship healthy for you?
     
  3. Anthemic

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    If he truly respected you, he wouldn't have attempted to be unfaithful. This is just my opinion but, I can maybe understand someone cheating on another person because they aren't being sexually/emotionally fulfilled in their relationship (still doesn't make it acceptable). But for someone to cheat for any other reason, seems like a big red flag. He even told the guy that he doesn't think he could find anyone who loves him as much as you do. So, that tells me that he's obviously not lacking emotional fulfillment in the relationship. He knows he is loved, so why cheat? I think he is very insecure and wanting more excitement. I think he's being overly loving with you because he is afraid of losing something that makes him feel secure. Like I said, he knows you love him, and he doesn't want to lose the security of being loved. But love must go both ways in order for a relationship to work.

    When I love someone, I see no one else the way I see that person. I could never imagine myself being intimate with another person in any way.

    In my opinion, I think this relationship will fail. If I were you, I'd at least give this relationship a break and see what happens. Give yourself some time to be away from him.
     
    #3 Anthemic, Dec 30, 2016
    Last edited: Dec 30, 2016
  4. Gunsmoke

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    Personally, if somebody cheated on me I don't think I would ever trust them again?
    Can you? Do you trust him?
    I don't mean "do you think he'll cheat again?", I mean, "do you trust him not to cheat again?". From how you described it, there doesn't seem to be a good reason for your boyfriend betraying you like that. (Not that there's really any good reason to cheat, mind you.)

    Also, you've said that you're uncomfortable with his "apologies", which is, as Chiroptera said, really important. I've got to say, you don't exactly sound happy with your relationship. So here's a few more questions to ask yourself, in addition to Chiroptera's little list:

    Would you be satisfied if you stayed in that relationship?
    In the long term, do you see yourself being happy with your current boyfriend?
    Do you think that you could ever really forgive him for what he did, or will it always be in the back of your mind, making you paranoid and suspicious whenever he makes another "close friend"?

    If you're thinking "no" to any of those questions, then obviously that's a huge red flag.

    All I can really advise is to do what makes you happy. Reading your post, it does sound like you only really stayed with him because he begged you, rather than out of any forgiveness or love on your own part.
     
  5. AlmostBlue

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    The fact that he only begged and cried when he was confronted with the truth shows that he's just hopelessly unaware and immature, and I wonder what really can come out of this by continuing it. He's still very young as well, and it might be best for both of you to move on. You should be with someone who's phone you wouldn't be tempted to check. At this point, you have no trust in him and he has none in you, for invading his privacy.
     
  6. Sawyer

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    As someone who has been cheated on, and seriously debated a reconciliation/second chance: don't.

    You'll never be able to trust them again. Every moment of your reconciled relationship you'll be wondering if they are cheating. It's not healthy.

    They aren't sorry they cheated. They are sorry they got caught. If they truly loved you and cared about you, they wouldn't have cheated on you.

    The decision is ultimately up to you. I forgave my ex for cheating for my own peace of mind, but I couldn't be in a relationship with her again like that. The trust was completely destroyed and gone.

    I spent and wasted 3 years blinded by her actions. Don't be like me and miss a genuine opportunity to find someone who will actually care/love you.
     
  7. Itisthefear

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    Hey guys. thank you for your replies! Well as you can imagine its very hard to move on. The truth is he is very immature sometimes and i dont really thing our relationship was lacking something.
    Even up to this day he tells me how bad he feels for doing that and how ashamed he is. He deleted that guy from Facebook as well.
    I dont know what to think you guys...
    I just wish he never had to make me feel that way. It's so hard to let go someone you love so dearly..
     
  8. OnTheHighway

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    Many relationship experts would suggest that trust can be rebuilt after a partner is unfaithful. If you love him, you may want to contemplate if you are able to. It's easy to write off the relationship, but it's not necessary to do so.
     
    #8 OnTheHighway, Dec 31, 2016
    Last edited: Dec 31, 2016
  9. Chiroptera

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    Like i said before, you should think about this. If you are uncomfortable, then clearly something is not working.

    We can't tell you what you should do, and it is indeed a hard decision. But i think it is important to consider what has been said and think about all of this, so you can reach the conclusion that will be best for you in the long term.
     
  10. HunGuy

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    Think about the fact that if you hadn't discovered that he was about to cheat on you, he would have done so.

    The second chance you gave him is not a second chance for him to be a "good" boyfriend, but a second chance for him to cheat on you.
     
  11. Creativemind

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    I sympathize deeply here. Personally, I do think It's better to move on and find someone new, even though I understand that you loved him and how hard that will be. Thing is, if you give him another chance, it will be hard to trust him again.
     
  12. Sawyer

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    As everyone has said, the decision is solely yours.

    What would make you feel better?

    If you stay, hypothetically, how would you feel. If you left, how would you feel?

    I am a strong believer in outweighing the pros and cons of something. I understand that you love him dearly, and I am just going to say that letting someone go doesn't mean you don't love them anymore.

    Have you tried having a conversation about why he cheated? He is young, maybe he isn't ready for a serious, long term relationship. I know it's hard to have a talk, and it sucks, but it might clear a lot of things up on what he and you really want out of this relationship.

    Best of luck to you.
     
  13. SiKiHe

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    I might get crap for this, but as someone who has been the cheater, it's a big sign things just don't work. I obviously never planned to cheat, but clearly I wasn't happy in my relationship and I made the choice to ignore those feelings and search for something more. I cheated on a long term girlfriend once, and later in that relationship started to fall for someone else while still dating this same girl. I broke it off after admitting my first unfaithful act and saying if I stayed it would happen again and I didn't want to do that to her. Make no mistake, I don't blame her at all. I was completely in the wrong and failed to communicate my feelings. But cheating once on someone shows that lack of communication and even of love in a way. I'm so sorry this has happened to you. While I like to believe in second chances, when it comes to cheating I think that has to be the end of line for the sake of everyone involved, especially you.
     
  14. OnTheHighway

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    This is well said.
     
  15. Itisthefear

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    I actually did ask him why he did it.
    He told me that sometimes he doesnt feel like himself. He does things that he would never do normally, things that he would immediately regret. he told me that that guy meant absolutely nothing to him.
    I asked him if our sex life wasn't good enough and he denied it. He also told me how stupid he is to do something while he has most things he wants from our relationship.

    Up to this day he still asks himself why he did it.
    I dont really know about all those things he told me guys. if i had a more clear picture about what he was thinking to do that i think that i would be easier for me to decide.

    We celebrated the new year together and he told me with teary eyes that how lucky he is to have found me and how happy he is we are still together. He told me that he wants 2017 to be filled with happy moments between me and him.

    I hope you guys understand now why i feel so lost. :frowning2:
     
  16. Anthemic

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    If I were you, I would probably take a break from him. It would give you two some time to see what you both want and how things are without each other. If you two are meant to be, then you will be together.

    My dad was kinda like this with my mother; he cheated on her a few times. When she threatened to leave him, he would "change" and become this amazing husband and tell her how beautiful she is and how much he loves her. After a while, he would get comfortable again, and he would go back to his old ways of being unfaithful.

    In my opinion, 99% of the time, people don't cheat if they truly love their partner. You probably make him feel secure and loved, which is why he is desperate to keep you. But once he finds something else that he is after, he might not be the person you think he is.
     
  17. Jax12

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    He's only saying that to you because he doesn't want to lose you (but truthfully he already has, trust can never be the same). He's looking for something in the relationship that he isn't getting. That's usually how cheating goes. It's honestly up to you, but if it happens once how can you be so sure that it won't happen again?
     
    #17 Jax12, Jan 1, 2017
    Last edited: Jan 1, 2017
  18. Sawyer

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    That's the first lie.

    People don't strike up conversations or affairs with people who don't mean something. There had to have been something there--something that made him want to be with someone other than you--and that is definitely not nothing (saying this as someone who has been cheated on).

    Do you guys live together? What is the financial situation of this relationship?

    See, this to me is deflecting. He knows why he did it. It's not like he wasn't in control of his own actions. But denying it, makes it seem like it wasn't really him--the person you know and love, who wouldn't do that to you--but someone else.

    It's the same speech my ex gave me.


    I understand why you feel so lost. I do. But that sounds like cheater guilt. He knows he messed up, and he'll do/say anything to make it right.

    My question to you is: could you look past this? Or would this always be in the back of your mind?
     
  19. Chip

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    I think Sawyer's comment is on the mark. Many people, but especially gay men, have self-worth issues, and the unconscious belief is often "Well, I'm not really worthy of this person so I'm going to do something to end it so I can take control of the situation before my partner dumps me." Of course... this is way below conscious so the person doesn't even really realize what they are doing.

    Here's the problem: If this happened once, it's very likely to happen again. Especially if he has no idea why he did it. These are behaviors of his unconscious acting out... and more conscious manifestations of that are his clingy behavior and desperately doing everything possible to hang on.

    Unfortunately, what I think is likely going on here is, he doesn't believe he's worthy of you, and so he desperately doesn't want to lose you... but deep down, he knows it's bound to happen, so the same sort of behaviors (perhaps in different forms) are going to keep cropping up. This is something that takes a long time in therapy to address.

    So one question to ask yourself is... do you want a boyfriend, or a "project"? If you stick with him, you're likely to have to continue to put up with the super-needy/clingy behavior, coupled with a difficulty controlling the unconscious attempts to blow up the relationship.

    If he is willing to aggressively deal with the issue -- which means going into therapy and giving 100% to it -- that's still a challenge and requires patience on your part. I would not, personally, stay with him simply because he is clingy and desperate. A healthy relationship involves two people who honestly believe they deserve each other, are worthy of each other, are willing to openly talk about their issues and own the things they are working on, and constantly explore the issues that get in the way. I could be wrong, but I doubt he will be able, at this point, to really step up.

    No one here can tell you what to do. And at the same time, I think you have a lot to think about.
     
  20. Itisthefear

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    Guys i agree with what you've said. If i wasn't so in love with him i would have kicked him out from the very 1st moment i found out he was unfaithful.

    I feel so weak at the moment. i dont think i can live without him, and the way he treats me makes it even hard for me (you know telling me all these sweet things,being with me all the time blabla)

    i personally dont believe people can change. i really ignore my moral values by accepting him back into my life but SOMETHING tells me it's the right thing to do.

    i want to personally thank each and everyone one of you for taking the time to reply and sympathize with me. I really really appreciate it you guys!
    One thing is for sure.
    There wont be 2nd chance for him if it ever happens again. it might be a good lesson for him aswell.

    I will update this post again in the future to let you guys know how things turned out.
    Thank you all again. Happy new year everyone :slight_smile: