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My brother is inappropriately touching me...

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by MusicIsLife, Apr 13, 2011.

  1. MusicIsLife

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    Hey guys.

    So my brother is gonna be 20 in a week, and hes 2 years younger than me. He takes weight training and so when he "horseplays" i have no way of forcing him off without getting hysterical, but thankfully he hasn't done anything so bad that he could go to jail for it yet.

    A little backstory. When I was 15 my uncle touched me inappropriately. Nothing severely emotionally scarring, but enough to make me freak out if any man touched me. I'm even wary of hugging my guy friends that are straight.

    So a few years ago my brother developed this habit of touching my thigh and going "hey baby," and I would panic. He "didn't get" why I would freak out and thought he was being funny. I talked to him about it, it did nothing, i talked to my mom about it and she didnt believe me, she thought I was being tooo sensitive.

    SO finally last year he moved out of the province for a blessed 7 months, coming back only for family gatherings. It's to the point where I avoid being alone with him if I can.

    He did it today too, he decided he wanted to horseplay and grabbed at my chest and "didn't get" why I all but had a full-blown panic attack at him.

    The thing that worries me that it's not just me. He "horseplays" with my two female cousins, aged 9 and 12. they touch him inappropriately and in turn he does the same thing. My mom gives him hell for it, but he doesnt listen and claims theyre "just fooling around"

    I'm really worried and scared of him. I don't even hate him, I'm just terrified of what he might do to my cousins. Hes coming back home to stay for the next 3 months, and thats part of why I'm trying to move out as quickly as possible.

    I don't know how to approach the problem, i could really use some advice guys.
     
  2. roborama

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    alright, me being a rape vicitm of a close family member i super concerned about this because it sounds a lot like how everything started and how he would act around my step-sisters. if you get a funny feeling then something could be up or could one day pose a problem, especially with how freaked out you are. there really isnt much you can do about it unfortunatly just if you can have people keep an extra close watch on him for your cousins and your sake
     
  3. zeratul

    zeratul Guest

    No person of a reasonable mindset would horse play like that after being told repeatedly not to. Most typically only children tend to ignore warnings and parental discipline. Also, horseplaying with sexual organs of the body is typically something family members don't do to each other.

    I am not trying to be judgmental but there are only 3 possible explanations here:

    1) your brother had the psychological maturity of a child, and this can be true if you notice his other behaviors (ie how he responds to authority on other disciplinary issues) and how he interacts with other people inside or outside of the family.

    2) your brother has an uncontrollable deviant sexual desire that is probably illegal if acted upon. If this is the case, your family should consider talking to him about chemical castration (drugs that decrease libido) before he grows older and acts upon his sexual desires and has to go to jail for it.

    3) your brother is having trouble socially at college. Maybe he feels ostracized or out of touch with the social scene at school that his impulses at home with close family members become extra strong. This also needs to be addressed.

    Whatever the root cause is, your family needs to seriously address it before it becomes a problem with the law and creating more victims. No regular Human Being I am aware of behaves the way he does according to your description.
     
  4. Holliepop

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    Tbh, you'd think that you freaking out at him would make him stop. I would call him out on it, obviously he doesn't realize that he is violating your personal space, so next time he does it, tell him that it's inappropriate, especially because your cousins are incredibly young. Mentioning peadophilia may freak him out to the point where it may stop, but I suggest pulling that one out if the touching escalates with your cousins.

    Moreover, is he your biological brother? or just a step-brother? Because if you have the same parent(s), then you can mention it being 'incesty'. My dad used to innocently and playfully slap my ass, and it wasn't until I was older and told him to 'not act like an incestuous peadophile' did he wake up and realize he was being wholly inappropriate and then stopped entirely. Even though it wasn't that horrific, I just didn't want it to get worse so nipped it in the bud as extremely as possible.

    I know it all sounds extreme, but it's INCREDIBLY stigmatised words like 'paedophile' and 'incest' which scare people into not doing stuff which may seem like that, even if it's only just a little bit like that.
     
  5. zeratul

    zeratul Guest

    yes but be careful, if he is truly of the deviant mindset, provocation nay lead to further deviant thinking such as brutality and murder
     
  6. stageone

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    So not ok for him to touch you (or your cousins) like that at all. 10x as not ok after you told him not to. My dad molested me and "innocent playing around" was just a cover story for an excuse to grab inappropriately when people were around. Keep telling your mom. It is not something she will want to hear or accept easily, but give her specifics of where he is grabbing and that you have asked him repeatedly to stop- that this is not consensual play in the first place. Tell her your concerns for your cousins. Tell your Aunt/Uncle. Keep telling until they start paying attention. Keep a record.
    Stats show that abused/ molested kids tell an average of 7 times before they are heard. It would be good if you can get the parents watching behaviour before its too late to intervene for your cousins and get preventative help for your brother.
     
  7. Holliepop

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    Really? Good God. O_O I mean, yes, my dad didn't realize that he was making me feel uncomfortable until I said something as awful as that, which hurt him a lot. It was only then did it stop. But I guess if her brother is in a different mindset and perhaps doesn't care whether or not it links to that, and may continue it. Good call, man.

    I agree. Bother them about it until it starts bothers them.
     
  8. Eleanor Rigby

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    I am sorry this is happening to you. Your brother's behavior is indeed inappropriate, and very worrying, both with you and with your younger cousins.
    Is your brother (and your parents too) aware of the problems you had with your uncle when you were younger ? If not, maybe it is time to bring this up, and adress your concerns about your cousins more firmly.
    It is possible that your brother is incounsciously recreating your uncle's behavior for some reasons. Maybe he himself had to suffer from inappropriate behavior from your uncle, or maybe he had been seing your uncle acting this way with you.
    In any case, I think that you need to seriously talk about it with him and your parents. I think that you had to make it clear, publicly, that is behavior is inappropriate and inacceptable and that you're not going to tolerate for him to act this way, neither with your or with your cousin.
    Your brother is 20, he is an adult, whether he is acknowledging it or not, he knows that what he is doing is inappropriate.
    I also think that it would probably be a good thing for your brother to talk about his behavior to a therapist, but I doubt that you're going to be able to convince him to do it, at least not at once.
    But I truly think it is important to protect yourself and protect your cousin from your brother's behavior, and that will require from you and your parents to be extremly firm about it.
    Take care, Cécile
     
  9. stageone

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    Hey Music,
    It's been a few days... You ok?