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My boyfriends mother has been diagnosed with metastasized cancer

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by QuietPeace, Apr 9, 2021.

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  1. QuietPeace

    QuietPeace
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    I am not sure what I am asking for. He has been expecting things to get serious for a while. This past week she had a serious episode and today he found out that her most recent episode was more serious than he was first told.

    My own views of death and on family relations really interfere with my ability to empathize with him. I have told him that I will be there for him in any way that he desires. He has told me that he is doing alright at this time. I just wonder if I could support him any more than I am at this time.

    Does anyone have suggestions on how I could be more supportive?
     
    #1 QuietPeace, Apr 9, 2021
  2. QuietPeace

    QuietPeace
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    Update: She died last night.
     
    #2 QuietPeace, Apr 9, 2021
  3. HM03

    HM03
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    I'm really sorry to hear that. Despite having been in the same boat, it's hard to give imput, since I don't know I got through it myself.

    Like you have done, letting them know you are there for him and that he can talk about whatever is very important. Genuinely trying to be supportive is really all you can do.

    Most people say "let me know if there is anything I can do!". It's an empty offer (most of the time) and it feels burdensome, so the grieving person never actually takes them up on the offer.If there is something that you think would be helpful to do, do it. Even simple stuff like chores you both hate/he hates and you typically bicker who will do it.

    I always find it touching when people remember specific dates (birthday, mothers day etc) and reach out, even with just a simple message, years after the fact. Those anniversaries are tough. Nobody seems to remember or awknowledge that those days (or even random days) can be tough, even years later.

    I'm sure he appreciates your willingness to be there for him and supportiveness, even if sometimes you don't know what to say or do. It can just be a matter of getting things off your chest rather than actually looking for a solution. Problems and feelings with no solutions can be very awkward for some people lending an ear.
     
    #3 HM03, Apr 9, 2021
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  4. LostInDaydreams

    LostInDaydreams
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    Hi @QuietPeace,

    I’m really sorry to hear this.

    I would suggest that you just be there for him, as you have said you will be, and make allowances for things being a little different for a while. It’s hard to suggest specifics because everyone reacts in their own way, so I would just be guided by him. As @HM03 says, doing some chores or cooking could be helpful, but on the other hand, some people like to keep themselves busy.

    I had a significant bereavement a couple of years ago (not a parent) and I agree with @HM03 above about offers of help often being empty most of the time. On the other hand, you also encounter people who don’t acknowledge what has happened or who will quickly change the topic. I appreciate that not everyone knows what to say in this kind of situation, but letting the person talk and just doing your best to say something is better than not engaging in the conversation.

    The other thing to keep in mind is that grief doesn’t really go away. It gets easier to live with, but it never entirely disappears. So, he might not want to talk about it right now, for example, but he might want to in six months.
     
    #4 LostInDaydreams, Apr 9, 2021
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  5. DexterKUlrich

    DexterKUlrich
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    Can you please update the outcome? thank you
     
    #5 DexterKUlrich, Oct 22, 2022
  6. quebec

    quebec
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    Dexter.....This is an older post...April of 2021. The original poster QuietPeace is no longer on Empty Closets. However, I would like to say hello and welcome you to Empty Closets! :old_smile: I can remember the first post that I made on EC. I was desperate for help and I got the help that night that I so needed. I hope that we can help you in the same way that I received help. The most important thing to remember about Empty Closets is that we do care about you! We're very glad that you found us here on EC and hope that we can answer questions, give you support and provide a place to vent (as long as it's not violent!) :old_big_grin: when that becomes necessary!

    *****There are 18 different sub-forums here that you can check out and join in the conversations or start your own thread/conversation. When you have made at least 10 posts on various threads you will be able to post messages on a member's Profile Page. Just click on a member's Avatar Picture and then click on "Profile Page" in the dialogue box that pops up. You'll then be on their Profile Page and there will be a box that says: "Write Something" When you have been on EC for a few weeks and have made at least 50 posts on various forums, you can apply for Full Membership. A Full Member can send Private Messages (PM) to other Full Members and share personal contact info. Right now you can only send a PM to a Staff Member as that is always possible. Here is a quote from the Full Membership information forum: :old_cool:

    *****To be eligible you must be a member of Empty Closets for a minimum of two weeks, and have a minimum of 50 posts. These posts must be across numerous forums (Fun & Games does not contribute to post count), and consistently posted across a minimum of two weeks. You wouldn't be eligible, for example, if you registered, had no activity for two weeks, and then returned to post 50 times on your 14th day of membership.

    *****Well, as I said, we're very glad you found us! :old_rolleyes: If you have any questions at all, you can send me a Private Message.

    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
    #6 quebec, Oct 22, 2022
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