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My boyfriend told me I'll always be a woman to him. Any advice?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Hawke, Jul 22, 2019.

  1. Hawke

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    I've been with my straight cis boyfriend for 2 years. About a month ago I realized that I might be trans. I finally got up the courage to tell him yesterday before he went home and he seemed fine with it at the time. Now today he texted me and told me he'll never call me by a male name or use male pronouns, that I'll always be a woman to him, and that being transgender is a serious psychological disorder (dismissing WHO's decision on the matter). I don't know what to say or do next. I don't want to break up with him, especially since I'm not certain if I'm trans or not. Does anyone have any advice?
     
  2. Destin

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    Well yeah, of course a straight guy is going to say that. His options are 1. Call himself gay/bisexual and you a man. or 2. Call himself straight and you a woman. Those things can't really mix. He's not going to call himself gay all of a sudden if he's not so...

    If you're really trans, unfortunately it doesn't sound like that relationship can work. Him saying that is probably his effort to avoid breaking up with you.
     
    #2 Destin, Jul 22, 2019
    Last edited: Jul 22, 2019
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  3. HM03

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    I agree with this 100%. Even if he was super accepting of trans people, if you're straight, straight. With time, if you gain the clarity and internal-accpetance that you are trans, I can't see how both your gender identity, his sexual orientation, and your relationship could all work together.

    Maybe I'm just sensitive, but even IF it was a psychological disorder, I'd be irritated with how he went about it. Being told you have a psychological disorder (pretending for a minute that it is) and the way you feel is invalid is a dick move and not partner-ly at all.

    Does he know you're bi?
     
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  4. alwaysforever

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    He may say that he is accepting of trans people, but he clearly isn't. Saying that being trans is a mental illness when it isn't and refusing to acknowledge you shows the limit of his respect for you. He is showing he only will respect you if you are what he wants.

    Someone who puts limits on who you can be as a person is not relationship material, in my opinion.
     
  5. TwoFeech

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    I'm trans and have been with a straight-identifying man for many years. Orientation is not necessarily so cut and dried as that. But are you sure you're okay with the way he spoke about trans people in general, even if you are not trans? Have you expressed to him how you feel about the evident transphobia?
     
  6. alwaysforever

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    I forgot to add earlier that there are several ways this conversation could have gone in which he could have been respectful to you. For one thing, he could have acknowledged what you said, but stated since he is straight, the nature of the relationship would probably change. That occasionally happens, and former partners become close friends and supporters. Alternatively, he could have been willing to see where things went, and acknowledged what you said. That can also happen, where partners change and grow over the course of transition, should the transgender partner choose do do that. In any case, the survival of the relationship depends on how willing the partner is to allow the other person to be who they need.
     
    #6 alwaysforever, Jul 22, 2019
    Last edited: Jul 22, 2019