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My Boyfriend is active on Dating Apps

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Itisthefear, Jun 17, 2017.

  1. Itisthefear

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    So one day my boyfriend revealed to me that he has some gay apps open, he told me that he just wants to exchange pics with other guys and mess around online, like instead of watching some xxx videos on the internet he can as well do that.

    I was instantly shocked when he told me those things. I told him that this is considered cheating and its not okey at all!!!
    He could not understand how this is cheating, and we ended up having a huge fight over this.

    We tried to find a middle solution and we agreed that he will write in his profile that he is in a relationship and that he will be very honest with these people about what his intentions are. The thing is that it's extremely hard for me to be okey with this although we reached a "common ground"

    I Became extremely insecure and i ended up creating a fake profile so i could monitor his every move....I don't know what to do and I've lost my trust in him....

    Even if i try to confront him about it, we will just have a fight because he dsnt consider this as cheating, and he just makes me look like a paranoid crazy boyfriend..
    Everytime we say goodnight i feel that he goes into those apps and he texts other guys....That's not how i want our relationship to be and i dont know what to do!

    Any Advice would be more than welcome!
    Thanks in advance!
     
  2. Legit2017

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    Using a ghost profile to monitor his every move is not going to make you more secure, and the time and energy you spend doing that will make you go crazy. You will end up obsessing over every little thing. It can have no possible benefit to you or your relationship. Deep down I think you know that.

    Bottom line, there is simple, but serious, trust issue in your relationship. If have lost trust in him. Whether it is justified or not makes no difference. You cannot do anything to affect him. Nothing. The only thing you can do is for yourself.

    You only have two choices. Either you start trusting him again, and if he cheats or leaves you - so be it. Prepare yourself either way.

    Or you end it now.

    I garantee you, continuing in the relationship without trust will absolutely cause it to end and drive you crazy in the meantime.
     
  3. OnTheHighway

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    If he was open and honest about it, then it's not cheating. What you do with that information however is another story,

    It should only be a trust issue if he lied or uses it to meet someone else and does not tell you. If he is being up front and transparent, there is no lie.

    If your uncomfortable with him using the apps (even after agreeing to common ground) and knowing your uncomfortable he still uses them, then you have a decision to make. Either you not allow yourself to be jealous and insecure while he does it, or you decide it's not the right type of relationship and move on to find someone that is more compatible.

    It's a rather black and white situation.
     
    #3 OnTheHighway, Jun 17, 2017
    Last edited: Jun 17, 2017
  4. Chip

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    That would be the end of the relationship right there for me.

    If my partner needs to have online interactions and trade pics with other guys... then something is seriously wrong. Either he's massively insecure -- in which case, I'm not interested in being with him -- or he's planning to or eventually will cheat, or already has.

    I agree with the other posters. A ghost profile is just a further symptom of a relationship where there's inherent distrust. If you don't trust him, then the relationship is pretty empty and meaningless. And if he honestly feels he needs to interact with other guys instead of watching porn... well, that definitely isn't someone I'd be OK being with.
     
  5. bookreader

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    Honestly I would break up with him. I don't want my boyfriend to be on dating sites. That could mean he's thinking about cheating on me. And that'll a trust issue for me. Why be in a relationship with me if you're still using dating apps?
     
  6. Doctorlysomethn

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    If I may be honest here, what your bf has done is he's trusted you with something that must have been pretty serious.
    If you know how long he's been active on them, then it might be harder for him to instantly quit because he might have made some friends on those apps.

    What you can do is actually ask him "Would you mind if one day we can both not be on those apps, we say our goodbyes to those people but add the friends we make on them so we can always talk to them, but focus on us?"

    He should say yes, so you won't have to worry. Let him have around two weeks to say his goodbyes, and prove that he has made the right choice. Ask friends if they could keen an eye out for him if he ever does reinstall them/go back on them.
     
  7. Itisthefear

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    Hello there! Thanks for your Answer. Unfortunately, My boyfriend doesn't see this as something that has to do with me. It's completely personal and it's not my business to know what he is doing with these guys.
    I do believe that he revealed it to me just in case i accidentaly found out, and it would be too hard for him to explain.
     
  8. resu

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    I think you and your boyfriend need to define what is your relationship, expecially when it comes to exclusivity. What your boyfriend seems to want is an open relationship, even if he claims his contacts are only digital.

    Ultimately, you need to decide what you want rather than playing the detective role. Don't compromise your values to be in a difficult relationship.
     
  9. Abigail15

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    I don't see how it's his personal business if he's actively cheating on you by talking to guys and exchanging photos? I'd make it very much my business and definitely would not stand for it.
     
  10. Chip

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    And you're staying with him why? That is probably the most self-centered, arrogant, inconsiderate response I could imagine someone having to an issue like this.

    You deserve better. And if you don't understand why this is an issue, it might be worth exploring your own sense of self-worth, because someone who genuinely believes that he's worthy wouldn't put up with behavior like that from someone that supposedly loves him.
     
  11. lonewolf79

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    I agree with Chip here. My first bf did the exact same thing... made a profile online "to see if his coworker was gay"... a few months later I found out he had been meeting other guys on business trips... it ended there and then!

    You deserve someone who only has eyes for you and doesn't need to use apps to chat to others.

    All the best
    hugs
     
  12. SeulgiBunny

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    If love is true last for long, long time and there trust between the two parts, but not, all of u would break-up, if he wants to do that and feel free doing it and doesn't really care about how you feel about he being in dating apps, you should talk with him and if there no agreement, think break-up it is the best for the two.
     
  13. Chiroptera

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    I totally agree with Chip here.

    You can't change others. With that in mind, do you think this is a relationship you want to be in, knowing that he is messing around with other guys?

    Furthermore, if he can't understand your discomfort and is fighting with you over this, essentially, he is causing this fights because he wants to mess around with other guys, right? To me, that would be a dealbreaker.
     
  14. loveislove01

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    I think both you and your partner's needs are valid, as you have varying values on monogamy. However, what makes it not okay is the fact that he went ahead and did it without your consent, and that is cheating.
    Have you had a discussion with him about boundaries you could set without compromising your need for a monogamous relationship?
    Compromising is a good skill to have, however it is also important you are satisfied. If this is cheating in your opinion, then you should make it clear and you are not making a big deal out of it by asserting the values you wish for in a relationship.

    You creating the fake profile is an indicator of a lack of trust and paranoia in the relationship, and that is not something that will end very well. Like the second poster says, I think you should either end it, talk to him and affirm your boundaries with an ultimatum, or go on in a trust-less relationship which will ultimately build tension between you two.

    What he does with other guys is also your business, as his boyfriend. It sounds like he doesn't consider your opinion when it comes to this and that's a problem, OP. I hope you two can solve this, or break it off and find happiness with someone else because you do deserve to be treated better.
     
  15. Itisthefear

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    Hey guys Thanks for your replies. I'm so relieved that you guys are with me on this, i thought that i was over reacting and that i was doing something wrong. Being with someone who is totally against your wants and needs is really making you feel like you are doing something wrong.

    Also, i want to say that as i said in my 1st post, my boyfriend revealed it to me, he propably realised that ill eventually find out so he thought it's time to speak the truth. We are together for 1.5 years and i found out about it like 2 months ago.

    My boyfriend has a weird way of thinking, he thinks that messing around is nothing else but just having meaningless fun. it doesnt mean that im not his priority whatsoever. He explained this to me but i still don't really get it.
    I asked him "how would you feel i were to do such thing to you?" And he said "well i don't know, ill propably don't like it, but since im doing it you can do it as well"

    What the heck is that supposed to mean? I've had so many thoughts about doing something just to make him feel jealous, but i know that this will just prove, as you guys said how paranoid and insecure i've actually become...
    I've also Deleted that stupid fake profile...i need to be proud of myself and not feel like im going to give up everything for him.... deep inside me im not emotionally ready to let him go, but if he fucks up, it will be easier i think..

    I wonder how did we come down to this, we used to have so much fun together...:frowning2:
    Thank you all.
     
  16. Chip

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    It means that, at this stage at least, he isn't capable of true emotional intimacy. He doesn't see the value of monogamy, nor does he understand how this is affecting you. Essentially, it means that he is pretty likely not available emotionally.
    It's hard, when you don't feel good about yourself, to let go of an unhealthy relationship. As you learn to love yourself more, you'll realize that you deserve better. And when that happens, it will be easier to let him go.

    Unfortunately, this is what tends to happen when people are emotionally unavailable, and one of them starts working on him/herself.
     
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