1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

My boyfriend has his ex move in to his place...

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Krater, Jul 13, 2016.

  1. Krater

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 26, 2015
    Messages:
    38
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New Zealand
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    http://emptyclosets.com/forum/lgbt-later-life/210358-coming-terms-myself.html for a bit of a background.

    I was getting used to this friendship/relationship

    So I have been with this guy (Andrew) for over 18 months now, and he mentioned to me about a month or so ago that his ex (whom he had a relationship with for 10 years) had sold his house and that he needed somewhere to stay for the interim of the ex getting his new house built. Andrew told me that he offered his ex to stay at his place and then said that he wished he hadn't done so and didn't think that his ex would take him up on the offer.

    Andrew said that when he and the ex split up,( about 5 years ago) that the ex helped him (Andrew) get set up in buying a house. Andrew feels obligated to his ex for everything that the ex has done for him. That they are just friends now and there is nothing remotely sexual happening between them.


    Andrew is the type of guy that doesn't like to confront people for fearing of offending them especially those closest to him.

    So the ex has moved into Andrew's place. I told Andrew that I don't like this arrangement and that I now feel like I am the ex and feel like I am on the outer of his life. I said that I feel that whenever you say "Yes" to the ex, that I am the one who has to compromise and pay for it. Lol that the ex gets to live with him and our relationship has gone back to almost what it was like in dating.

    My living arrangements are just not suitable.


    About two weeks ago I decided that I had enough of this and prepared myself to tell Andrew that I was breaking up with him. Enough is enough! Trouble is when I am away from Andrew, I find the courage, but when I am with him I lose the courage to break it off.

    Well we talked and Andrew said that he totally understood the situation in what it must be like for me, but he doesn't want to break up with me. Andrew suggested that we buy a house together and live together.


    My conversation with Andrew is that buying a house together or moving in together is great but I would have preferred that we both decide that after being together for some time. Rather than it just being an option to solve this dilemma of Andrew not wanting to confront his ex in finding out exactly how long he intends to stay or maybe it's better in finding somewhere else to live.

    If I didn't love Andrew this would be so easy.

    Interested in your feedback
     
  2. RosePetals76

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 2, 2016
    Messages:
    475
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Illinois
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    18 months is a long enough time to know if you're really into each other or not. It sounds like you are. Even if you're not fond of the catalyst, if moving in together is what your end goal is, maybe that would be a good thing. I'm sure you know in your heart what you want most.
     
  3. whitelabel

    whitelabel Guest

    Joined:
    Apr 22, 2013
    Messages:
    7
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    I am sorry to hear that you are both going through this. Andrew sounds like a nice, passive, introvert, and/or indecisive type of person and at times, you really wish he could be more firm and decisive about certain things, especially things that concerns your relationship with him because more often than not, him compromising in this area also compromises your feelings and needs indirectly. In this case, Andrew reconnecting/helping with his ex makes you feel worried and insecure about your relationship with him.

    One of the things I felt you did well is that you did communicate your feelings and intentions with Andrew about how the arrangement is not working for you and it upsets you.

    However, if this has been Andrew's behavior all this while, then its not likely for him to change overnight to confront to not help his ex. The truth is people can and will only change themselves when they want to and this is not something we can control. By putting him in a position that forces him to contradict his behavior, not likely he will be happy about it and this may have negative consequences between you and him in the long run.

    What I suggest you can do is to temporarily observe the situation and trust your intuition about Andrew. Observe his words and actions. If he says that he is completely neutral or platonic with his ex now, observe his actions and behavior. If his words does not match his actions not likely he is being completely honest about his feelings with his ex. Your history with Andrew is also important. Based on his behavior so far, it helps you to decide whether you feel secure about letting Andrew helping his ex or not.

    Try to also observe your mind and emotions about this issue. Our mind tend to exaggerate the issue we are attached to most of the time. Andrew could really just intend to help his ex to repay a favor and involuntarily offered his help out of sympathy and gratitude. Try to analyze your thoughts each time an unpleasant thought came up and truly question it whether its relevant or realistic. It may help from unnecessary confronting Andrew and straining the relationship further.

    I hope this helps

    Ben
     
    #3 whitelabel, Jul 14, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 14, 2016
  4. SiennaFire

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 23, 2015
    Messages:
    2,159
    Likes Received:
    238
    Location:
    Boston
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I agree with RosePetals on how to move forward.

    The real question in my mind is why were you willing to break up over this? Andrew's letting his ex stay with him seems like a reasonable quid pro quo given the history (the ex helped him (Andrew) get set up in buying a house). Do you trust Andrew living with his ex? Your reaction seems rather childish if you really love Andrew. Help me understand your strong reaction to this situation; I feel there's more to the situation than you've posted.
     
  5. Spartan 117

    Admin Team Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 25, 2014
    Messages:
    942
    Likes Received:
    510
    Location:
    Isle of Wight, UK
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I'm moving this thread over to Later In Life at Krater's request. :slight_smile:
     
  6. Krater

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 26, 2015
    Messages:
    38
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New Zealand
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    I guess I am acting childish. It has taken me some time to realise this. Andrew is my first actual relationship (gay or straight) and it's "trust issues" that I fought with that is bringing up the feelings of insecurity.

    Andrew's ex has moved not only into Andrew's house but the only spare space that Andrew has in his house is in his rather large room. So he and his ex share the same room. Andrew doesn't want me to come over because he doesn't want any possible conflict between me and his ex.

    One of the things that has stopped relationships in the past from happening, for me is that people say that they love me and then intentionally hurt me.

    What I have to continually remind myself of is that, my past is not my present. And I am now more equipped than I was in the past.
     
    #6 Krater, Jul 16, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 16, 2016
  7. SiennaFire

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 23, 2015
    Messages:
    2,159
    Likes Received:
    238
    Location:
    Boston
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    This changes everything! I assumed the ex was staying in a guest room in Andrew's house. Andrew has exercised really poor judgement if he and his ex are sharing a room, and this new piece of information certainly explains your strong reaction to the situation.

    Given that you've been with Andrew 18 months, you need to figure out whether this relationship has long-term potential and whether you can live with his pattern of not confronting people for fearing of offending them. If he's not a keeper, I would break up with him and cut your loses.

    If this has long-term potential (I'm assuming that it does based on what you wrote), you need to figure out if you are OK with this arrangement or not. Personally, I'd be inclined to confront Andrew and let him know that this situation is not acceptable and that he needs to get the ex out of his house (or at least out of his bedroom). I'd be a total pain until the ex was out. That's just me :slight_smile:

    Is sounds like Andrew is unintentionally hurting you, so I would definitely be more assertive and let him know how you feel.
     
    #7 SiennaFire, Jul 17, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 17, 2016
  8. Godless

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 10, 2016
    Messages:
    150
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    California
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Deal breaker. Be picky. I think. Someone who is that inconsiderate is probably not worth being with. Don't settle. Love is not that difficult to find. Someone who is everything you want in a guy is a little more tricky, but not impossible. Being picky with a partner will prevent you from wasting large chunks of life unhappy.
     
  9. SiennaFire

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 23, 2015
    Messages:
    2,159
    Likes Received:
    238
    Location:
    Boston
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Finding gay love is more difficult than you realize. Andrew is not inconsiderate, he's overly considerate. If the OP loves Andrew (which I believe he does), they should try to work through the situation.
     
    #9 SiennaFire, Jul 17, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 17, 2016
  10. Krater

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 26, 2015
    Messages:
    38
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New Zealand
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Andrew knows how I feel about this whole scenario and I have said to him that I have had enough and actually want to end this relationship and I don't feel as though I hold any value of importance in his life by the actions of his ex moving into his room.

    I have told him that I love him, but in saying that I have also told him that I love him enough that I can also leave him if I don't feel valued in this relationship.

    I have no trouble voicing my feelings to Andrew whatsoever, I also learn to think what do I really feel and try to articulate my feelings into words without just running off from the mouth, which I used to do.

    Andrew doesn't voice his feelings at all. In the beginning or our relationship, this lack of him expressing himself just frustrated me a lot, but not everyone has to be the "cookie cutter" of what I expect how people should communicate or even be in their personality/behaviour. He expresses himself in other ways and this has taken me some time to see and adjust to it.

    I am learning to sit with my feelings in mindfulness and be present in the moment in each moment. I do this because I want to be emotionally honest with myself. The logic part of me is just important as the emotional part of me.

    I guess I wanted feedback just to qualify the general feeling of how people interpreted the situation without them obviously being emotionally involved. And to see how and what was said and how that filtered through me.

    My stance: Firstly I was ready to dump Andrew (deal breaker) and then I thought better and decided to discuss how I felt and what I was facing concerning this decision of the ex moving in, the impact it was having on me and us. And I wanted to hear Andrew's perspective on this as well. I cried when I was telling Andrew what it was like for me. I can't help crying or getting teary eyed when feeling really vulnerable. I feel so much better for it too.

    This is Andrew to a tee (best description), this took me awhile to see, that not only is Andrew being overly considerate. but he struggles with saying "No" to those who is close to him.

    Is Andrew intentionally aiming to hurt me? No, I don't believe that Andrew is.

    Andrew regrets his ex moving in but doesn't know how to say to his ex to move out without having a confrontation.

    Andrew comes from a totally different culture than me and his upbringing (childhood) and value system is so different from mine. I say childhood because sometimes we still carry with us old misbeliefs from childhood into our adult life. (just wanted to say that, but not get off topic) I say this because it is a factor in the way he communicates and his thought process and decision making.

    So I am just taking things slowly and since our discussion - I have noticed that Andrew is really softening towards me and showing me a lot of care in just subtle ways.

    In this, I am learning a lot about myself and a lot about Andrew.

    My philosophy so far and part ramble

    I have learnt through my life that some people seem to get things handed to them on a plate and life is relatively easy for them and they are mostly also unaware of their emotions.

    I have learnt that sometimes things appear to be easy for me and then an obstacle is placed in front of me and I have to fight my way through it to overcome. And sometimes it feels like the obstacle is just too big and I cry that life is just not fair... But life is not fair

    Well now I have given up fighting but learning to be aware of my emotional state and try to remain true and authentic to myself. Be honest in who I am to myself and others. I no longer fear my own vulnerabilities or even showing them to those I know who love me and whom I love and even like.

    The things I fear, the things where I want to take the easy way out, the things that confront me and the things that scare me and make me afraid

    all these things are in my cave

    This statement speaks profoundly to me, I didn't know Joseph Campbell said it, I heard it through another means. lol I found it was someone's signature.... hehe

    “The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek.” ― Joseph Campbell

    I always have wondered what my treasure is?


    I love to communicate my heart and love to hear others communicate theirs

    I don't always get it right and sometimes I keep falling over the same mistake a few times for my idiot brain to register.. but I try to remain emotionally honest with myself and others
     
  11. SiennaFire

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 23, 2015
    Messages:
    2,159
    Likes Received:
    238
    Location:
    Boston
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    This quote was instrumental in my coming out. The cave that I feared to enter was sexual and emotional intimacy with other men. By pushing myself to take action despite my fears (through a series of increasing larger baby steps), I discovered the treasure of living authentically as a gay man and being happy and content. The quote also helped me before a date with my now BF. I was scared of dropping my guard and being vulnerable with him. Unlike my relationships with women, there were no secrets and no closet walls protecting me.
     
    #11 SiennaFire, Jul 17, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 17, 2016
  12. CharacterStudy

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 28, 2016
    Messages:
    232
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi I don't know if this will help but I am one of those people who ends relationships on very good terms with people, with the result that they usually become good friends. I keep in contact with all but 2 of my (very brief) exes, who turned out to be bastards. All the others - I go out for drinks and dinner 'dates' with them, they stay over (same rooms, occasionally same beds though we try to avoid that), two were even ushers at my wedding. (It was like that Four Weddings scene, honestly.) I have a very understanding husband.

    Do I secretly want to date them? God no. We're friends. It's safer than if they weren't my exes, because I know far too much about them!

    Your boyfriend sounds like he is very nice, but maybe a bit too passive (feeling he can't question him as to how long he's staying). I would keep an eye on the situation, but I don't think there is necessarily something dodgy going on here.
     
  13. Krater

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 26, 2015
    Messages:
    38
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New Zealand
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Sienna Fire - thank you for sharing this, I so relate to this.

    Thanks CharacterStudy yes he is very passive.
     
  14. OGS

    OGS
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 1, 2014
    Messages:
    2,673
    Likes Received:
    685
    Location:
    Chicago, IL
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Sorry for the delay in responding. I was on vacation and wasn't sure I could do this on my phone.

    First let me say that I hate all the arguments about how hard it is to find gay love. It always seems like it's an argument that people should lower their expectations, which I think is almost always a bad idea. Additionally, I don't think it's true. Given a certain amount of strength and determination (it's true being gay isn't for sissies) I really don't think it's harder than it is for straight people--don't get me wrong it's no picnic for straight people either.

    I guess this is by way of saying that I don't think you are at all being childish in this and that I think for me it would be a deal breaker but for a slightly different reason. People keep talking about the inability to say no as if it is somehow and overabundance of consideration. It's not. It's just weakness, that doesn't mean it's not understandable, doesn't mean it's not difficult, but it's not consideration. In fact I would go so far as to say that people who can't say no can't really say yes, they just sort of say "well, OK..." to everyone.

    If your boyfriend does not place your feelings and needs over those of random other people in his life (say an ex-boyfriend) it doesn't seem to me that it really matters whether he can't or just won't--it still is what it is. And if that really is the situation then my question would be what makes you think that you are in a relationship with him? Or at the very least what makes you think you are in a relationship with him that is substantially different than the relationship he is in with the ex? Other than of course the fact that he gets to live with him...

    I think you deserve better, I just do.
     
  15. Calf

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 24, 2016
    Messages:
    472
    Likes Received:
    22
    Location:
    UK, Leeds
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    There is a lot of truth in this.

    To say that Andrew finds it hard or is not capable of saying no isn't strictly true. It is also not the case that he avoids all confrontation at any cost. This is clear because he is fully capable of saying no to you and also prepared to avoid confrontation with his ex at the expense of engaging in confrontation with you.
    This can be seen as both a negative or a positive. On one hand he might only see confrontation as worthwhile when it is with someone that he cares about, opting not to waste his efforts and passion on less important people such as the ex. On the other hand it may well be that he takes you for granted and knows that he can treat you poorly where others wouldn't allow it.
    Whatever the reason, the one thing that is certain is that he is likely to continue this behaviour for the duration of your relationship. Whatever his intention, he makes you feel undervalued and you will have to decide whether that is something you want to manage in the relationship or move on.

    You also mentioned your past trust issues and how you are working hard to overcome them. I think you need to be very honest with him about this because for all your best efforts, the situation you are left in would be difficult for even the most trusting partner. Imagine a few years down the line when this is all over and the ex resurfaces, slipping out the fact that the two of them were 'sleeping' together. How would you deal with that?
    This is less a question for you and more a question for Andrew. Is he aware of what a difficult and potentially devastating situation he caused for your relationship. Surely if he realises this then it would be easier to risk the relationship with his ex than to risk the relationship with you.

    Whatever you decide to do, make sure it's your decision because the only thing worse than ending a relationship is ending a relationship that you feel you had no control over.
     
    #15 Calf, Jul 19, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 19, 2016
  16. looking for me

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2014
    Messages:
    3,791
    Likes Received:
    869
    Location:
    on the Rock, Newfoundland and Labrador
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    option, you move in with Andrew, the ex rents or sublets your place until his is built. you get to see if living with Andrew is what will work for both of you, the ex gets a place to live and things move, hopefully forward.
     
  17. SiennaFire

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 23, 2015
    Messages:
    2,159
    Likes Received:
    238
    Location:
    Boston
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I feel that you are overloading my post with your pet peeves. My point is that Krater and Andrew should try to work through this. Relationships require work and sometimes even compromise.

    I'm agnostic whether this is a deal breaker for Krater because I don't feel that we have enough of the big picture. I would suggest that Krater reads/rereads Joe Kort's book 10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Find Real Love and then see if LGBT couples counseling would be helpful to address the dynamics of the relationship.
     
    #17 SiennaFire, Jul 19, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 19, 2016
  18. Krater

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 26, 2015
    Messages:
    38
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New Zealand
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Definitely going to read this. Yeah i know, its hard to gauge a reply when we don't witness everything, re:big picture.
    I guess also I have tried to convey Andrew's response and actions as best as I can yet it's all through my filters. And he doesn't get to defend himself.