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My Biphobic Ex-Girlfriend just came out as Bi and is still Biphobic - Advise me.

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by bi dystopia, May 8, 2018.

  1. bi dystopia

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    Some time ago I was in a long term relationship with this girl who was very homophobic/lgbtphobic but specifically very biphobic towards me when she found out. Some things she said I found very hurtful and I had to pretend to be straight at that time (I had no support or resources and was insecure/trying to change myself/didnt really have another option). In particular she would say ridiculous contradictory things like "I can't be with you if you say you're bi, but I can be with you if you say you're straight" - despite it being only a change of term and nothing else. Anyway, I broke up with her after a time.

    Fast forward several years to now. Despite her opinions on this, we got on quite well about other things and so speak every so often every couple of years and one of these times was recently. She suddenly announced this last week that she was "into women as well" and was dating a girl that she was really into. I was shocked and surprised but was supportive and concluded she must have been very closeted and have internal biphobia.

    The problem is, she still appears to have the same prejudices. Even though she is clearly bisexual herself and is dating a girl, she adamantly denies this and says "I don't identify as anything". She also maintains the claim that she couldn't date bisexual men on the grounds that "they are not masculine", despite also saying shes into gay/bi girls who are feminine. So she thinks gay/bi girls can be feminine but gay/bi guys cannot be masculine; and she actively dates men and women but is very hostile to the idea that she is bisexual.

    This does not affect me per se, I am not trying to date her again. On the other hand, it's not a view I want to have in someone in my life. At the same time, its clear she still has a lot of internal prejudice too as well as external. I don't really know how to address this with her or offer any advice, or engage her in the community/progress through the coming out process.

    Can anyone advise?
     
  2. Mariana

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    That's tough. It's nice of you to want to support her! I think you're quite aware that her opinions are hurtful to you though, so don't force yourself to be there for her if it hurts you.

    That said, I think she'll probably just need time, and if you can be there for her while she figures things out, that's great! Biphobia is so common for all sorts of reasons, and for some people it takes some time to overcome all the stupid, horrible beliefs they've internalised. It's totally okay for her not to identify as any particular label, but of course that doesn't mean she should be biphobic and say mean things all the time. Hopefully she'll come to the realisation that there's nothing wrong with bi people sooner rather than later!
     
  3. Love4Ever

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    Hmmm. I have always struggled to understand why people have such a mental block that they can't imagine being attracted to more than one gender or feel that the word bisexual is tantamount to a slur. She definitely seems to have some deep seated issues with this concept. Sadly though, I have heard for some reason a LOT of women who are bi themeless are not only unjustifiably distrustful of bi guys, but also expect them to hold to ridiculous expectations of gender. All I can say it that maybe you should remind her that *you* are bisexual and that hearing these things is very hurtful to you. Maybe she will understand then that what she is saying is not okay.
     
    #3 Love4Ever, May 9, 2018
    Last edited: May 9, 2018
  4. Love4Ever

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    Though on a more positive note, NOT all bi women are this way. I am certainly not.