My Biggest Fear

So you come out and then afterward you want to punish yourself because you feel like you made a fool out of yourself. Have you had any bad or difficult reactions to coming out?
Do you get any joy out of coming out?

 

It sounds a bit like a force of habit and a self confidence thing. How many people are you out to?

Why do you feel like you embarrassed yourself?

 

What if you thought about it from the other side of things?

Whenever you've thought someone was a fool, what has been the reason? I'm guessing it's because they're doing or saying something that could lead to avoidable consequences, right? Goofing around at the edge of a subway platform, announcing they were going to go rollerblading, blindfolded, etc. Coming out has no idiotic consequences. As far as I can tell. ;]

Just try to remember that people do this every day and you don't read about the unavoidable accidents that have befallen them.

 

I totally get this. I waited so many years to come out because I was afraid of how I would look. What kind of fool ignores his obvious sexuality, marries a woman and has kids with her? Me. I'm that fool. And the fear that I would announce to the world just how big a fool I am is what terrified me for so long and kept me in the closet. Yeah, I totally get you.

When I finally did come out, I had to reach the point where I just had to give up trying to control other people's opinion of me. And the truth is that I was never in control of other people's opinions anyway. That was the illusion. People thought what they thought regardless of whether I admitted my truth or not.

Once you give that up, you can be free to be you. People will think whatever they are going to think. Anyone who thinks I'm a fool has at least kept that opinion to themselves. And I no longer worry about it.

Take care.

 

I totally get that. One of my biggest fears when I started coming out was that my friends would think I fancied them or that I was checking them out when this really wasn't the case. Coming out is annoying, it gets easier but it's never ending.
Is your sexuality something that you think you generally talk about often? Do your friends ask about potential love interests or is it more like an elephant in the room?

 

Hey.
It sounds like more of a self esteem issue rather than confidence. That need you have to kick yourself after coming out or beat yourself up about talking about yourself.
Why not talk about yourself? Why shouldn't you? Others do it all the time and I bet you listen nicely and don't think much of it afterwards.
Worrying about what others think and their opinions is such a waste of your time as you can't control what they think whether you're gay/straight or anything in between.
You deserve to be you and stuff what anyone else thinks.

Maybe some CBT work might be helpful for you. Try to turn those negative self thoughts into positive thoughts.

At the end of the day the only person who needs to be comfortable with you is you and that's it. No one else matters. Once you've mastered that then you're winning.

Also those fears that you have about past experiences are probably just your own worries and concerns...just another way for you to beat yourself up. I bet no one else is thinking anything about them. What stands out to you as something obvious is most probably completely insignificant to anyone else. That's not to say that theyre not important or are irrelevant but I bet they are to these other people that you're worried about.

I hope that makes sense and i say the above from experience as when I've mentioned things that Ive been worried about to friends or family, half the time they have no idea what the hell im even talking about.

I suffer with self esteem issues myself, which I've been working on and I can tell you now that I've never felt more comfortable with myself since doing some CBT exercises. Also it doesn't all just boil down to sexuality, it's an all rounder thing about you and who are as a person and ultimately you need to love yourself. Don't Be afraid to be your biggest fan. Ever!!

 

This is one of my favourite poems and I think speaks volumes:

"...Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

 

I'm afraid to come out for what it will do to my family

 

Why do think you feel annoying to them? They're your friends and so i very much doubt that they think you're annoying in the slightest.
have you ever spoken to your friends about feeling like this? If not then maybe you should, not for reassurance exactly but I would place money on it that they would be surprised and probably sad that you feel that way. That may show you that you're not annoying or anything of the sort.
Haha that's good that you embrace the 'weird' like you said.
I used to be terrified of being 'different from the norm' and tried desperately to always fit in and be the same as my friends. Unfortunately that meant playing the straight card too even though it always felt wrong and made me unhappy. Now I like that I'm different from my friends because it makes me...well...me.

Yeah I mean Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. It's really worth looking into.
We're so quick to judge ourselves and put ourselves down all the time. It's like it's easier to think badly about yourself than it is to think positively.
There are a few things that you could try. For example:
1. List 5 physical qualities that you like about yourself (eyes, good smile, nice arse etc...)

2. List 5 personal qualities that you like about yourself (kind, caring, funny etc...)

3. List 5 or more achievements you're proud of (taking up running, learning something new etc...)

Then finally, take a good look at yourself in the mirror and see what thoughts pop up. They may be negative but acknowledge them and then ask yourself if you would say those things to a friend if you was looking at them. I bet they wouldn't be negative at all and would be all positive. Look at yourself again and try replace the negative with positive.

I'll be honest, I found these things hard to do as my natural default was to say I'm not good enough, not as funny as my other friends, or not as attractive or my achievements are no where near as good as so and so. But I really tried and got some stuff down on paper and it's really helped with my confidence and self esteem as I'm just as good as my friends and I shouldn't compare myself as I'm me and they're them and who I am is equally as important as who they are as individuals.

give them a go if you fancy, or don't if you don't feel that they're relevant but it may help.

 

Also that part of the poem that you've highlighted is my favourite too. Keep re-reading that one

 

How come you don't date? Is there a reason or you just haven't found the right person?
I don't think there is anything wrong with bringing it up, I only asked because I think sometimes after we come out to people they don't bring it up because they don't know what to say and we don't bring it up because it's all new to us and then it becomes the thing everyone knows but doesn't talk about. The things you talk about may relate to your sexuality but you are so much more than who you are attracted to.
Squarebiz has given you some great advice .

 

For what it's worth, I have felt everything you are describing. What I did, which was scary, is I figured out which friends I clearly was in love with, and I wrote to them, told them I'm gay, and I told them I obviously had feelings for them back in the day. 4 women. All have been tremendously supportive and impressed with my bravery. That has really helped me.