My bf won't let me use a toy bigger than him, Frustrated

I have been in a relationship for 8 months & he is amazing. I definitely love him and he treats me really well. We have a lot of the same goals and many plans together for the future. However earlier in our relationship some problems arose. first off, we have pretty good sex. He is average size but most of the time it is good.
The problem is that I have always played with bigger dildos (not huge, like 7-8" & medium to large butt plugs because that's what it takes to hit my prostate hard enough to give me intense orgasms. One of my kinks is being full & stretched open. In the beginning of the relationship I showed him my dildos because I was trying to be open with him & was secretly hoping he would use one on me. I had a few large ones & he shamed me about them, telling me putting big things in my butt is gross and id be loose if I did it too much.. I threw away the bigger dildos. Around that same time He used my smaller dildo on me which is just a little bigger then him & it made me scream in pleasure. the next time while he was playing with me with it he said while he was doing it "I wish my dick was bigger". It was a turn off because it just made me feel guilty. Then a few months ago he told me i can't use anything bigger then him. I agreed, but it was only because i felt like a big part of my sexual exploration was rejected by my boyfriend.

I am starting to feel like a have to suppress my desire to use bigger dildos. I still can do this in private, but I would like to be able to be open about it and have him understand my desires and that it has nothing to do with how i feel about him. When i told him i used dildos i was confiding in him and testing the waters about being open about my kink and possibly incorporating it into our sex life. He is too insecure. It is starting to cause resentment. I would love nothing more then to have him penetrate me with a big dildo or stretch me with butt plugs sometimes without him feeling like im not gonna like his dick anymore. He has told me before that people who play with big toys are gross and loose and why would they want to do that.. I understand it may be repulsive to him or that he may feel inadequate but It feels terrible to have to hide that about myself.


I have wanted to recently bring it up but I have no idea how... We have talked about using toys recently and he said he would use it if it was small. I ignored it. It hurts because no matter how i put it, i am going to hurt him. No matter how i explain that this is one of my kinks and a part of who i am, it is going to hurt or possibly anger him or cause a fight. If i hold it in and suppress my desire it will only eat away at me and the relationship.