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My bf wants to do it without condom...

Discussion in 'Anonymous Support and Advice' started by Anonymous, May 17, 2011.

  1. Anonymous

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    Hi everyone. So let me get straight to the point. Me and my bf are both virgins, so we have never had sex. But he has told me for our first time, he wants me to have sex with him without a condom and wants me to ejaculate in him. We both are going to get tested before we do to make sure 100% neither of us are infected with anything. If it all goes well and is there anything we should be concerned about?

    I actually have reservations about doing it because I know how important protection is. But my understanding is that if both are std free, and since we both are virgins, there's nothing on that front for us to worry about. Anyone more knowledgeable than me think its ok? I actually plan to only do this once because I do not want to risk getting HIV or any other stds. I agreed to do it because I love him and I trust him. Thoughts?
     
  2. Ridiculous

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    Provided you both go and get the tests together and see each others results (and they are clear), then... there shouldn't be any risk. As far as I know false-negatives are pretty rare - I also think that some may not show up for a while after they are contracted, but someone else more knowledgeable than me will have to advise on the risks.

    However is it something you want to do? You don't sound very comfortable having unprotected sex, and I don't think you should feel pressured into it by your boyfriend. Also I would be worried that if you do it once, it will set a precedence for unprotected sex in the future, and you can't rely on both of you being STD-free every time.

    Additionally, why does he want to have unprotected sex for the first time? Is there any particular reason? I think it would be better if you just had a rule of condoms every time, no exception.
     
  3. Anonymous

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    There is always a risk - maybe he has had sex before and never told you? Maybe he was molested when he was younger and caught something but doesn't know it? You say you'll do it once, but how will you stop it from becoming a habit? Also, if it's anal sex you're talking about, you can get a urinary tract infection from the fecal matter. Always use protection and make a habit of it!
     
  4. Pseudojim

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    if you're both virgins, or at least neither of you has ever slept with anyone else, and you do everything else suggested in this thread so far, then yeah, very little risk

    but there are other diseases that one can have and not know about... like HSV and HPV
     
  5. Anonymous

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    Op here-

    I know it will probably sound sort of strange, but he wants to feel me like totally, and he wants me to cum inside him. Yea i know it sounds kinda gross and freaky, but we both discussed it has everything to do with that like intimate connection. And its not that I dont want to do it, bcuz I mean I do, but I am also aware that its not something that should become a habit. I have every intention of using condoms after this first time. He isnt pressuring me at all, we discussed it at length, I just wanted to see what you more experienced people thought.
     
  6. Anonymous

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    Stuff like that is kind of what I was looking for...what are the chances of that happening? And we are gonna get tested just to be 100% sure.
     
  7. x2x2x2x2y2

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    I'd say don't do it. It doesn't seem like there's any real reason to do it. I know what he means when he says he wants you to cum inside him, but it just doesn't seem like it's worth it. Plus, from what I've heard, you can't feel cum inside of you. Idk if that's true, but it's what I've heard. You don't need to bareback in order for you two to have a real intimate connection.

    Just my two cents.
     
  8. Chip

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    I hear that argument all the time, the "Oh, I want to feel you without anything in the way" and it's BS. Sorry, but his ass is not going to be able to tell the difference of whether or not you're using a condom.

    I once had some guy try to tell me that he could feel the cum when a guy came inside him, which is also complete BS. Your colon and rectum does not have that sort of sensitivity

    I think what your bf is secretly hoping is he can convince you to do it once, and then, once you've done it the first time, convince you that it's OK to just keep doing it bareback. I'm always really suspicious.

    I think a good response would be "If you love me that much, you should understand that each of us keeping the other completely safe is in both of our best interests, and so using a condom helps ensure our continued health and safety. That's what I'd like to do, and I hope you'll agree." There isn't really much rational response to that where he doesn't look selfish.

    The thing about condoms and sex is... as much as you love him, people make mistakes, they get drunk and do things they wouldn't do sober, they lie, they get seduced... whatever you call it, people cheat. If you always use condoms, you never have to worry.

    Lex does a much better job than I of addressing this issue -- he's been with his boyfriend for quite some time and they still always use condoms -- but suffice it to say, I don't think the reasons your boyfriend is offering are legitimate, and in my mind would raise alarm bells.

    I hope that helps.
     
  9. Anonymous

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    Yes all of this does help. And he is not pressuring me at all. It is something we both were considering, he wanted it for the sentimental reasons, but he told me over and over that if I'm not comfortable in doing so, he is 100% fine with that. I'm torn because I have read how important protection is (learned a lot from this site), but I also know and feel what my bf means, and I would want that too. I leaning toward just using a condom though, to just make it a habit.
     
  10. Anonymous

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    You can't feel the happy ending when you're a bottom. And it's pretty messy afterwards as well for the bottom. Only do it if you're completely comfortable with it.
     
  11. KaraBulut

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    There's a lot of medically-minded reasons why you shouldn't bareback. But you already know those reasons if you've been at EC for a while.

    It comes down to this: you have reservations and in cases like this, you should listen to your instincts.

    For some reason, we've equated specific sex acts with commitment which sounds like something out of the 1950s. Sex can be a lot of things - fantastic, frustrating, incredible, disappointing, awkward, passionate - but it shouldn't be anything other than just another step in a relationship. And considering what a gamble it can be - it doesn't always go well - I wouldn't recommend adding additional complications like barebacking, especially if you're not sure you want to do it.
     
  12. Holmes

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    The danger with barebacking is that it might be completely safe, enjoyable and fun the first time, but then after some time together, one of you might trip up and cheat. It could be so completely once off, you might know it's not going to happen again, and don't know what to say, because you know you should use condoms from now. Wearing condoms from the start allows you to make the mistake, even though I'm sure neither of you want to or plan to.
     
  13. malachite

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    You're being safe so you're being smart.

    But reguardless of tests, if you still want to use a condom then your BF should understand that.
     
  14. Martin

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    There was a post that Lex made a while ago about this, and although I can't remember it word for word I can remember the general point he made, and it's one of the best pieces of advice I have heard in this area.

    He basically made the argument that the logic we use behind barebacking often becomes a very slippery slope, and before we know it we're trying to rationalise a whole range of scenarios that make barebacking seem safe. We start off by wanting our first time to be special without condoms, and we use this logic that because both parties are virgins then there can't be any STI's, right? And then when it comes to having sex for the second time, you don't need to use condoms because you have both only had sex with one another, therefore no reason for STI's to be a risk. It then goes on and on like this under this assumption that both are entirely faithful and haven't lied about anything regarding their sexual history.

    The only problem then is that if you move on to another partner then you start creating a whole new rationale. You've only had sex with one guy and you were his first, so you won't have an STI. This new guy may be a virgin or only had sex with somebody who had no chance of getting an STI, and next thing you know there's aparently no reason for either of you to wear a condom there either. And that basically goes on and on like that for as long as you let it. We'll quite happily try and rationalise a range of scenarios based on their perceived risk factor, and before we know it our standards have decreased from always playing safe to not needing condoms because the guy you're with hasn't had sex or has only slept with 1/2/X number of guys and they had an STI test or were all virgins or whatever. See the slippery slope?

    The point is that young adults are one of the most likely to get STI's and other nasty sexual illnesses because of factors like this. Nobody in their right mind would jump into bed and have unprotected sex with somebody who they know has an STI, but there's a worrying amount of people who come out of it having caught something. It doesn't matter how much we try and rationalise something, the risk is there if you let it be. It's a shame I can't find the exact post Lex made on this because it really did hit home, but he was right to point out how quickly it all becomes a slippery slope. Virginity and STI tests don't give a free pass to barebacking because there's so much that could happen in between that can have nasty consequences. If somebody is so willing to have unprotected sex with you then you need to ask whether they'd be that willing with another person behind your back (or if they have been in the past), and then you need to ask yourself if you're comfortable putting your health at risk for a few moments of satisfaction.

    Tis all a slippery slope. It's a travesty that so many people have fallen victim already, but there's no reason you have to if you be careful and don't try and rationalise potentially dangerous activities.
     
  15. Mirko

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    Hi there! I think you have gotten some really good stuff to think about and I'm glad to read that you want to use protection. Just to reiterate a point made by KB: follow your instincts! If you are talking about it and you feel perhaps uneasy about it, one more reason to follow your instincts.

    When it comes to sex and especially barebacking, sentimental reasons have no place. Using protection is the way to go!
     
  16. Pseudojim

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    Agreed.

    I have a sexual obsession with cum and where it goes, and absolutely love to have condomless sex (only ever done it with 1 long term partner though), but even i wouldn't go there in your situation... you just CAN'T get the level of trust you need, it's impossible; especially at your age, which i'm guessing is a little younger than me? There is too much danger involved in exposing yourself, and the risks outweigh any 'reward'... a term i use loosely because you would prefer to use condoms anyway... a preference i would strongly encourage following.
     
  17. Anonymous

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    And if you doubt that, read here....

    http://emptyclosets.com/forum/suppo...-partner-used-slut-leading-hiv-infection.html

    It may seem like a betrayal to reserve a little bit of trust from your partner because of concerns about yourself, but it absolutely isn't. It's important to do it. Putting absolute 100% trust in anyone else is can allow for the undermining your own self-protective instinct, even if you love this person and they wouldn't do anything to hurt you, in your eyes.

    100% trust is nigh on impossible, and the younger you are, the truer that is.
     
  18. Pseudojim

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    oh, sorry, that was me quoting myself, didn't mean to make it anon
     
  19. Anonymous

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    Thanks everyone for all your responses. We actually had oral sex last night for the first time...we almost had anal as well, but I decided against it. I am now convinced that I want to use a condom and want to practice safe sex. Something about that experience last night...after the initial incredible lust went away, I felt more rational and felt like as much as we care about each other, there's no point in us doing it bareback.