My 8 year old son thinks he may be gay.

Wow, you sound like an amazing mother. Your son clearly trusts you a lot to tell you that too, especially at that age. I don't really have any guidance but it seems like you've already handled this extremely well. I wish my parents were more like you.

 

There need to be more parents like you. Accept what’s happening in the moment and love unconditionally!!

 

I also think you handled this very well. My mom have always told me and my siblings that no matter who we are into, she will always love us. And I assure you that a simple support like these words, and words you told to your son, is a huge boost to any LGBT child confidence and mental state, especially when it comes from a very close person like a mother.

 

At 8 years old it is certainly too young to know for sure, but I knew I was weird by then. The biggest thing is if he feels secure in his place in the family it will allow him space to contemplate his truth as he grows.

 

Geez, I would love it if my family was so accepting.

You sound like a great mom! He probably isn't entirely sure, but it's important for him to know that it's okay if he likes boys. My advice is just to continue to support him like you have.

 

I wanted to add something from my own experience. I'm 46, and was raised in a small town on the eastern shore of Lake Michigan. I never became aware of what gay or homosexual meant until 10 or 11. A girl told me I was a homosexual and I was like "what's that?". I feared immediately that I was, based on the outsider feelings I had, and long before developing overt sexual desires, I was fascinated with certain boys from very young. I often would dream that boys I became infatuated with were my brother and weird stuff like that. If I had known when I was that age what being gay was, and felt like that was okay, I might have verbalized that at that age. Despite all my years of denial and lies....I knew I was gay in reality by age 4 or 5.

 

I’ll admit that at 8 I didn’t even think in those terms. I suspected I liked both by 13, but at 8 I wouldn’t have had a clue

 

I don't mean to worry you any further, but aside from what your son said about liking the boy in his class, this description sounds a lot like there is a Transgender situation too. What I mean is - association with female things and friends isn't a sign of being gay in of itself, and plenty of gay men grow up being into boy things and having all kinds of friend groups including all men and mixed. It might be worth extending the conversation with your son to including that subject just so you're informed of the whole situation as it unfolds as he grows up.

There is also the possibility of course that he may be Bi, or some other gender variant. You should let him explore his feelings as he grows older and is able to work out how he feels and how he wants to define himself - rather than putting a label on it yourself now. He is only 8 after all, and is quite early for this kind of self recognition.

The other thing I wanted to say is this: Whilst it's really great and amazing that you have been so supportive and accepting for your son at home, you should exercise some degree of caution in terms of the situation at school and how open and or obvious your son is about how he feels - particularly towards the boy he has a crush on. School kids are notoriously ill informed and unfortunately there is often rife homophobia or isolationism towards anything not considered "the norm". You should therefore have some kind of strategy towards insuring your sons safety, wellbeing and mental health as he progresses through the school system.

Best of luck

 

I actually don't see any valid reason for you to have a talk with his teachers. He's eight years old, he might not even be entirely sure yet.
I don't think you are the one to decide if he wants to "keep this within the family" or if he wants to be open about it. Don't get me wrong, I think you handle the situation amazingly and you really just want the best for your son but coming out or not is just something he has to decide himself.
Kids that age, or any age really, can be quite mean, so if I was you I would definitely have a talk about that. He has to know that other people may think of him or treat him differently (or which is probably most likely: not take him seriously). But in the end it's his decision.
If you see a problem occuring, for example if he is bullied at school, you should definitely intervene and talk to his teachers about it but right now I really think you shouldn't.

 

I'm probably not the best person to offer advice on this, but will have a go. It may not have to be as defined as sitting down to have a conversation with him about it yet. Perhaps try things subtly; eg asking what he prefers between something strictly male and something strictly female, or offering a choice between the two and see what his first response is. Perhaps put on a movie with mixed gendered lead roles - like Star Wars or something and ask which characters he prefers. Or just ask why he prefers female friends to male.
It could be completely unrelated to gender issues of course - if he experiences same sex attraction or has mannerisms different to most boys of his age he may just find greater solace with girls who may be quieter or less boisterous. If you're worried about him being alienated from male peers at school, perhaps look into something outside school where he has the opportunity to form male friendships and activities -such as the Scout Association (I think it would be Beaver age range at 8), which has a branch or so in most towns. Just some ideas there.


As Lacayda said, it shouldn't be necessary for you to inform teachers (or anyone else) about this until there is a problem which specifically requires their attention. Primary schools in particular probably won't have the resources or information to understand issues beyond basic bullying, particularly if they are under religious faction management, as many are. Also, however your son feels, he may feel some form of trust violation if he's only discussed this with you, but then you tell other people without his permission.

In terms of active strategies looking forward you might try:
1) Talking to/informing your son about same sex attraction, labels, social implications in school eg kids reactions, being a minority, behaviour and mannerisms that may create problems at that age etc.

2) Enrolling him in a good secondary school where he is more likely to fit in/less likely to be bullied, eg not an inner city school, not a religious school.

3) Finding out about LGBT services in your area or at your sons secondary school. My Mum is an Assistant Headteacher at a Uk secondary school and she's mentioned that there's been support and information among staff covering LGBT kids and support - which certainly wasn't available when I was at school 10 years ago, but is great news for kids going forwards.

4) Keeping him informed and with access to information as he grows older, including community links (such as here on EC) and physical and mental health support.

I hope some of this may be helpful.

 

When I was young parents would insist that apologies be made. I remember I did something, and my parents (maybe after calling the other family) marched me over to say "sorry" and shake hands. Is this an option?

Also, most schools these days have a no-bullying policy, and teachers are to monitor such situations.

The other thing to consider is that the other boy doesn't quite know what to feel about your child. I watched my own child at that age pretend-strangle another kid in the lunch line, and I knew instantly that my kid had a crush. I still said "don't do that!" Or maybe the other kid who bullied your kid has an intuitive sense of how adults would see his behavior... for instance school rules would have been severe if my kid had instead tried to kiss that crush in the lunch line (sexual harassment), but just a lecture for bullying.