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Mum knows I'm not straight, scared to talk to her about it.

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by FrazzHare, May 16, 2019.

  1. FrazzHare

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    This is really late at night, but I want to make this post before I sleep and forget about it.

    So I'm a young person (AFAB, honestly I don't know my gender but I always say Female?) with a long distance girlfriend (non-binary, they/them). I've been with my girlfriend for a year now and I love them a lot.

    However I came out to my mum last year after a stressful night. Honestly, it went better than I thought. But she did say she was a little disappointed in me and that she thinks its a phase (it's not).

    I thought that if I came out, I'd feel better and closer to my mum, but I think it's made things worse. Even though she does treat me the same, we haven't spoken a word about my sexuality since that day last year. I'm just too scared to talk about it. The closest we have come to talking about it is when some family friends were making a joke on how I could date one of my internet friends, and my mum quickly shut them down, with them being none the wiser. I knew it was because she didn't want to possibly talk about her own daughter being gay and dating someone overseas.

    Because I have come out, I haven't been able to go on a call with my girlfriend (I've been in group calls with them, but not like in a single call with just me and my girlfriend). I'm too scared one of my parents will come in and ask who I'm talking to. Since my mum knows the name of my girlfriend, it's even more frightening as I can't go on call and just be able to say that I'm talking to them. I haven't told my girlfriend my fear about this either.

    I really need some kind of advice on how to bring up such a touchy subject. Do I write her a letter so I don't have to say anything? Do I just confront her and hope for the best? I seriously don't know what to do.
     
  2. Biblia05

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    This sounds very complex and stressful. Maybe talk to your partner about it. It is possible they/them might have some ideas to give you to deal with this situation. I don't believe you should continue trying to handle all of this on your own. It sounds overwhelming. There is also the option of seeking professional help that could walk you through the steps of dealing with helping your parents fully accept you. Best of luck
     
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  3. FrazzHare

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    It is very stressful. I'm going to work up the courage to tell my girlfriend about all of this (they know I came out to my mum). Thank you for replying.
     
  4. silverhalo

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    Hey, coming out is really difficult and it can definitely feel overwhelming at times.

    I know it can be really difficult to bring stuff up with parents especially after time has passed since an initial conversation. It sounds to me from your post that you would like to have a conversation with your mum its just you are not sure how to approach that. It is perfectly acceptable to either speak to your mum face to face, or write her a letter, or alternatively you can go somewhere in the middle and write a letter which you then read to your mum. There really is no right or wrong, it is all about what you feel most comfortable with.
    Although the initial reaction from your mum maybe wasn't 100% it was definitely positive and often parents can need some time to deal with these things themselves and come to terms with things.
    If you were to talk to your mum or write her a letter, what would you be most afraid of?
     
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  5. FrazzHare

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    I think I'm just most afraid that we'll start arguing, where she thinks she's correct about me being in a phase or that she'll ask me to break up with my girlfriend. And I'll have to argue my side where I know I'm right, but I'm bad at confrontation. I think the worst thing that can happen is that she stops loving me and kicks me out. Even though I'm sure that won't happen, I won't lie and say that she won't.
     
  6. silverhalo

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    I can understand your thoughts on what could possibly happen. I guess that is one advantage of a letter, it is less likely to cause an argument and confrontation as she would have time to digest and think about it before potentially speaking to you. What do you think you would most like to be able to communicate to her?
     
  7. FrazzHare

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    I think I just want to be able to talk to her like I used to talk with her when I was in my other relationship (was with a guy). But I'm afraid that she'll cut me off like "I don't want to know about that". I also want to ask her if she still loves me the same way.
     
  8. silverhalo

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    It sounds like the situation is bothering you quite a bit and if that is the case maybe you could try and open up a conversation with her. You of course know your mum best, do you think you would feel more comfortable writing a letter or speaking to her?
    Do you have any friends that know about your girlfriend that could potentially offer some support?
     
  9. FrazzHare

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    I honestly don't know what I would be comfortable doing. I have internet friends and also like a couple of irl friends who know.
     
  10. Mirko

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    Hi there, how would you feel about starting any conversation or form of communication with your mom by prefacing it with:

    It would be worthwhile to speak with your girlfriend as it was suggested above, so that she is at least aware of where things are at and why you are having troubles speaking with her.

    As for coming out and as a year has passed since letting your mom know initially, it is possible that the time frame has given her enough time, space to think some more about things. From what you have mentioned, it doesn't seem like that your relationship with your mom has changed overall, which should allow for the conversation to be alright.
     
  11. silverhalo

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    Have you spoken to your internet and real life friends about your dilemma?
     
  12. FrazzHare

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    I do think enough time as passed, but I do not know how to even talk to her about this kind of stuff.

    I am planning on telling my girlfriend all of these troubles so they can atleast support me.
     
  13. FrazzHare

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    I think I've told my best internet friend a lot of the trouble but my irl friends son't know much other than I'm only out to my mum and I have a girlfriend.
     
  14. Devil Dave

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    I think it is quite normal to not talk at length about your sexuality with parents even after coming out to them, because you still want a private life that is between you and your partner. You want to explore the relationship on your own terms without your mum getting involved because your partner is a person you have met in your adult life and your mum is the person who gave birth to you, raised you and practically knows everything about you, so you're probably not feeling ready or keen for these two relationships to overlap.

    I don't think you should see it as "confronting" your mother, because that implies one of you is in the wrong. Think of it as confessing or just opening up more. You could say "there's somebody I'd like to have live chat with in my room, how do you feel about that?"
     
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  15. silverhalo

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    Thats a start though. The above poster has quite a good approach. Which made me think another alternative is to just do the live chat with your girlfriend in the assumption that there is no reason why you shouldnt. If your girlfriend was a guy would you be so worried about doing it?