My sister came out as transgender (specifically non-binary, so they/them prns) over the summer, which was a massive shock to the whole family. We're twins; our adolescence was marked by their mental health problems, which were severe and basically dictated my teenage years. Now I'm glad they're happy, but I'm struggling to cope with how fast this is all moving. They cut off all their hair, they started wearing binders, they changed their name, they took me shopping with them for boxers...They posted the other day that they want to start using he/him pronouns and I don't know what to do. I support my sister no matter what, and I just want them to be happy and healthy, but I'm really struggling to cope with this sudden change (and I know it's not a sudden change for them!) I feel like I'm supposed to deal with this, accept it quickly and support them immediately - that's that they expect from me, as their sister and the young liberal in the family, but when I think about it, I just want to cry. Anyone have any advice as to how to process this faster? I feel like a terrible sister.
Its totally okay to feel like this, Magpie. I guess its comparable to grieving, in a way, cause in a way you're world's been turned upside down and you have effectively lost the twin you thought you knew. They came out to your parents, too, right, have you tried talking to them about it? Its okay to be honest with your twin about how you're handling it. If i were to ever come out even as questioning, i wouldn't expect you to just be 100% all in - i get that its new and different, i would only wish for them to try and do their best and support me.
I really don't think you ought to be trying to forcing your emotions to do anything. I've noticed this problem with a lot of my friends and their families, and I've seen how it can become a real pickle between them when the trans party has thought it over for so long and is just so ready to finally be themselves, meanwhile the family feels like it's been sprung on them out of nowhere. I really think it could help to talk it out with your twin, not to ask each other to do anything differently but just so they can understand that these things may take you a minute to fully process. A lot of the time it's seen as a bad thing that the family or friends of a person may need time to adjust to a big change in their loved one's life, but it's natural to need some time. The last thing anyone would want is for any resentment to breed because you feel rushed into accepting a big change, and your sibling feels as though you are rejecting them. Try and see to it that communication is open amongst the whole family, if possible.
Hey guys, thanks for the replies. I spoke to them about it (completely out of the blue, it just sorta happened) and I think it went ok. I got the feeling that they were a bit disappointed in me for not being able to deal with it as well as they hoped; but I think they were also upset with themselves for bringing this on the family. I know they consider themselves a burden sometimes, which obviously isn't true, but they can be really down on themselves...I think telling them that I was struggling to process this change hurt them. But they were still really nice and supportive about it. Although, that said, I couldn't bring myself to tell them everything I was thinking, because I knew they would get offended and upset by it. Talking to my sister is like walking a tightrope I think you both are right in that this'll just take time. Having a rough time myself (got a few other things going on, none of them much fun) and I just want to be supportive as quickly as possible. But I think I'm just gonna have to accept that I am basically grieving, and that it will take time for me to process this.
Update: So, the last few days my sister has been having a severe depressive episode, and I'm really worried it's because of what I said. I'm so scared that I've hurt her by telling her how difficult I'm finding this
It can take a bit for loved ones to adjust to seeing somebody in a different way. It is like you are losing the person that you thought that you knew and they are becoming a different person. What you are feeling is totally normal. When people are in the process of coming out, they forget that they have had a lot more time to process the information. You cannot be expected to change overnight, because you need your time to process the change. You cannot control how she reacts to things. You are being as accepting as you can be at the moment, and that is a good thing. As you process the information more, and learn to see them in a different way, things will become easier.
