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Moving Forward In Crazy Times

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by out2019, Aug 12, 2021.

  1. out2019

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    Like many my life and coming out process has been severely curtailed by covid. I realize that I was also using it it as little bit of cover and procrastination, but I wanted to kick start my coming out process again.

    I have had a female FWB for years, we are good friends she had called me for some, well benefits, but I have been declining and making excuses -the truth is I literally just can't have sex with women anymore... it made me realize I have 'get moving' again.

    First there are some advantages to post covid- many more therapies and services have zoom options now which means its easier than ever to make an appointment or talk to someone even if you are remote.

    I have been 'waiting' for covid to be over but that doesn't look like it's happening anytime soon so here is my plan:

    • Expand my LGBT community online and in person when possible. Attend meet ups and more 'open' events if I don't feel like committing to a weekly group.
    • Make a list of trusted friends I can come out to.
    • My first step is going to be to come out to my FWB
     
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  2. quebec

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    Out2019.....I've read some of your posts and it seems that the biggest hurdle - coming out to yourself - has been passed! Congratulations for that! Yes, you really do need to convince your FWB that you have accepted that you are gay and are no longer interested in sex with women. It would be very courteous of you to emphasize that it's not her...that it's sex with women in general. As for the rest...making LGBTQIA+ contacts is an excellent idea. Because of distance and covid I usually have to see my therapist and some friends by Zoom. I don't much care for it, but it's better than nothing. So go for it! :old_smile:
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
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  3. GrumpyOldLady

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    That's a good idea! I'm wondering myself how to broaden my LGBT community in covid times because a lot of groups just aren't meeting right now
     
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  4. DavidDublin

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    That's the toughest part of right now: not getting to meet people.
     
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  5. Jo Hannah

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    I feel in the same place, It’s like I have completely accepted I am not straight and I can accept a Bisexual label, Still struggle to say I am a lesbian. But I believe that a female relationship will cement that “label” for me as I just can’t imagine laying with a man.

    I want to get out there and meet other women but just don’t know how. I’ve started a online profile in a dating site.
     
  6. out2019

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    Yes at this point her not knowing I am gay, I think she is beginning to think it's something about her.
     
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  7. out2019

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    Yes I have been thinking about this more, it's not fair to her, or me - it's one way of psychologically remaining 'frozen' I find when I am moving forward making progress is easy taking one little step to the next but Covid everything stopped and it's so hard to take that first little step again...

    So I told her I wanted to speak to her via Zoom ..


    From what you have written it sounds like it's there already.
     
  8. caden0803

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    Good luck with your goals @out2019.
     
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  9. Contented

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    Out2019 it does seem that your reluctance to be honest with her may be you trying to hold on to a heterosexual escape valve. I think it human nature to look for a way out just in case or as an excuse to delay coming grips with your same sex attraction. It is probably well past the time for you to eliminate these vestiges of your past straight life and fully embrace being gay. Moving forward without regret is so invigorating and refreshing as you embrace the authentic you. This step is another in the journey to being a comfortable openly gay man.
     
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  10. eron

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    @Contented - really like what you said about holding onto a sexual escape valve and looking for a way out as "just in case." Describes me more and more everyday.
     
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  11. GrumpyOldLady

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    I took 6 years to fully come out to myself and my husband, we were finally able to talk about my wishes and needs seriously but I found it extremely difficult, probably because it was easier to keep the status quo of being in a heteronormative relationship even if I was unhappy in it.

    Now I have to figure out what I want to do about it which is somewhat terrifying :slight_smile:
     
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  12. Bastion

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    I like the new plan and goals. I tried some of them. I guess I went about doing them the wrong way or something because maybe I pretended to be someone that’s not really me to try to fit in with the new group of people that I met. Yeah it sort of backfired. But I learned from it none the less. Now I know more about myself to try to approach things differently. I would like to meet more bi people. I haven’t met any to be honest. So that would be the goal and also like you said maybe make a list of trusted friends that I can sort of talk to about sexuality more openly.
     
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  13. out2019

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    Yes. Not so much to want to have sex, I have no desire and in fact am even repulsed by the thought of having sex with a woman, but holding onto that identity 'just in case'.
    Yes it has been very slow for me often moving back - Covid didn't help, but time to move forward again.
     
  14. Contented

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    Of course it’s human nature to want to have an escape route as we approach major turning points in our lives. Like you I didn’t want to full embrace being gay all the while being involved in an emotional and physical relationship with another man. I kept telling myself I need to keep my options open in case this is just some midlife crisis. In my heart I knew otherwise, like you I could not long envision being with a woman again and just the thought to me seemed repulsive. This even after spending more than half life in straight relationships. However as time went on I realized that I was never going back to heterosexual so it was time to come out openly as a gay man.
    I would caution you not to use COVID as an excuse to not come out. If you try as I did you can a hundred reason not to come out. Coming out should not be impacted by COVID , meeting someone and dating someone certainly could be impacted but coming out not so much. The only person you need to come out is you! Once you do as so many of us have found out and is evident by the various posts on EC it is well worth it. Once you come out the heavy lifting is over, the doubts, fears and second guessing seem to disappear. Openly embracing your gay self is so incredibly liberating. You will ask yourself why you waited for so long. It’s seems based on your posts that you are really so close to once and for all declare your gay nature, don’t allow distractions from becoming the authentic you. You will find life so much better casting aside the trappings of your formerly heterosexual life. Holding on to a lie is no way to live a fulfilling life. Keep moving forward my friend.
     
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  15. Bastion

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    I think the main thing here in my opinion if one is finding it difficult to come out is, finding the right supportive environment and community of people that have your back and will be there to support you through the process if you need to. They need to be the kind of people that tell you that they are proud of you no matter who you want to be. You need to be comfortable and at ease to be yourself around them.
    Those are the people that you should look for. Other than that, well, there is a possibility you might not feel that ease with it.
    I looked for that, unfortunately, I didn’t find those kind of people but am still looking.
    I think in the real world, it’s more complicated than that. Because people are not really interested in really helping out other people. They are most likely looking for the next best thing. Whether dating, fun or relationships( I mean here the apps and the bars and stuff)
    Maybe lgbtq+ centers or organizations that schedule meetups are best or social workers or therapists. I think some people struggle because they need positive affirmations a lot of the time especially when they have doubts about approaching a major turning point in their lives like @Contented said.
     
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  16. out2019

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    true!
    I seem to accept it but I think i have slowly drifted back...

    I was on the verge but when covid happened I froze....

    Yes it can be used as an excuse for not going forward ( I don't have a community) but it is a legitimate concern to not have a community!
    I know it wouldn't 'solve all my problems' but meeting someone would probably help!
     
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  17. Tikimon20

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    Thank you. I'm going to use your list! I came out to my female FWB a few months ago and we are closer now than ever. Even though it was just one person, it allowed me to come out to myself. Good luck!
     
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  18. Contented

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    not really sure why COVID would have affected your declaring your true gay nature. Not trying to be rude or insulting however that seems more of an excuse than a reason.
     
    #18 Contented, Sep 5, 2021
    Last edited: Sep 5, 2021
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  19. Tikimon20

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    It's not easy...coming out to a friend is an act of love...it's as intimate as people can get.
     
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  20. out2019

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    Not rude at all, I appreciate your frankness!
    I think that so many other things just moved to the forefront - we all had a lot more things to worry about -then lockdowns happened - originally my 'plan' was to meet with groups and build community. I live alone so I became very isolated during Covid.

    That's a beautiful way to put it!
     
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