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Mother keeps bringing up trauma

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by DirectionNorth, Jun 29, 2019.

  1. DirectionNorth

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    My mom won't stop bringing up triggering subjects and traumas, no matter how many times past therapists and i have told her to cut it out. They explained ptsd to her and to respect my boundaries, when i tell her not to talk about certain painful.topics, she called me a dictator, yet she can talk nasty to me when she's rushing and has such a nasty tone. When she gets like that, she barrages me with insults "you can't even do xyz, what's wrong with you" and her excuse for why she gets nasty is "i'm rushing for an appointment". It's one thing to be rushed and get someone off the phone, it's another thing to say insult after insult after insult. She can do that to me, but when i say stop bringing up harmful topics and traumas, she calls me a dictator.

    No therapist has helped, i'm not ready to try therapy again for a while, at least, given that a few traumas have been from the mental health professionals themselves, it's going to be a long time before i can trust a therapist after two of them sexually harassed me and overstepped professional boundaries to sexually abusive, and some i've tried since then have been misleading that they treat trauma and later admitted they don't do trauma, and one even victim blamed me for an assault on the street asking "do you think maybe you had some kind of look or expression that might've egged him on?" So no, therapy, as of right now and for a while, is not an option. I'll be fair and not close the door on it completely, but even if i got the best therapist now, i'm not ready to trust and open up.
     
  2. Chip

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    So why associate with your mother then? It sounds like she's abusive and not helpful to your well-being. In cases where the other person is either uninterested in or unable to change, the best solution is to simply avoid them. If you're still living at home, look at what it would take to get out of that environment. If that isn't practical, then simply avoid interacting with her.

    At a certain point, the only decision you can make is to isolate yourself from the ongoing trauma.
     
  3. Mirko

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    Hi there, to be honest, my feeling is that your mom's influence and her bringing up past traumas and subjects that transport you back to events and occurrences you try to overcome by speaking with therapists is cancelling out what ever progress you are making in a session or have made. If a therapist has to intervene and say to your mom to stop being up things, that should be enough of a warning sign that something is wrong here.

    I agree with Chip that the best option here would be to avoid your mom. Do you live independently of your mom? If not, would it be an option to live on your own?
     
  4. DirectionNorth

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    I agree, it's really difficult to(i live independently, though not really, she's supporting me financially, which i'm thankful for), i'm really reliant on her and haven't found friends or a community of people to support me, not with this, but in general. She's the only person i have and.... it's a messed up dynamic, i've made other threads in which you've been helpful with bringing up possible codependency. And this relationship is soooo dynamic and messed up, it would take years of multiple times a week with an exceptional therapist to really unravel and understand, it's so complicated.

    But yeah, i've tried making boundaries, she always has an excuse or deflects "no, you don't understand i need to teach you this" "no, you don't understand what i'm saying" instead of just accepting that xyz topic clearly hurt and upset me and just dropping it, it shouldn't be that hard and this upsets me so much.
     
  5. Symphylan

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    This sounds like a really tough situation to deal with. I agree with the other posters here that limiting contact might be best for your sanity. There are a lot of good codependency resources available that can be really helpful. I personally had really good experiences with a codependency support group which I found more useful than traditional therapy.

    Something that really helped me deal with my own mom was accepting that she is a pretty traumatized and limited person herself. This IN NO WAY makes it ok to act abusively towards anyone IN ANY SITUATION. However, there are a lot of emotional things my mom just isn't capable of. She never learned them so she can't just flip a switch and start being really empathetic and supportive. Obviously I don't know enough from this post to say what is going on in your situation, but it is possible that your mom just doesn't have the mental health or emotional skills to be able to understand or respect your trauma. She may really believe she is helping you, and that may really be the best she has to offer you, and yet it is making things worse for you all the same.

    Two pieces of advice here:

    1.) Do whatever you need to do to find better support. This can be really difficult and take a lot of failed attempts, but it is so necessary and worth it. Once you have supportive people in your life I promise it will be easier for you to deal with her. We are social creatures and if we only have unhealthy options for human connection we will make it work because unhealthy human contact is better than no human contact. It doesn't have to be a therapist. Any people that accept and respect you the way you are will help. Clubs, volunteer groups, support groups, online communities, keep looking until you find a good fit.

    2.) Make your boundaries with your mom really clear and enforce them. Don't try to explain multiple times. Let her know that a particular topic is off limits and if she goes there remind her that you don't want to talk about it. If she keeps it up, walk away. Don't get sidetracked or emotionally drawn in. Eventually she will realize you aren't going to talk about those things and stop trying. This will take time and a lot of consistency and determination from you. It would be nice if it was easier, but sometimes it just doesn't work out that way.

    Best of luck, I hope things improve for you!