More depressed after being asked two questions

Those questions can be annoying because, right after people ask them and if they get the answers you gave them, they show surprise and might make a face. They're being judgmental.

How did this person even come up to you and start making this kind of conversation? Did you find out anything about the person who came up to you and started conversing with you? I wonder what's going on in his head.

I feel you.

 

For one thing, you’re talking about a permanent solution to potentially temporary problems. It’s still very possible for you to meet someone and have or raise children, if that’s even something you want.

For another thing, your worth as a human being doesn’t hinge on getting married and making babies. They may have been surprised you aren’t married with kids because most people go that path. But it doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you if you don’t. Those are definitely not things to do just because other people are doing them. Do you even actually WANT children?

Also, have you considered therapy? That might kind of help you with some of these thoughts, help you manage the depression, and maybe help give you ideas for how to pursue finding someone. I’m in therapy for anxiety and (off and on) depression and it really does help.

 

Is your therapist aware you're having suicidal thoughts? If not, you should probably make them aware sooner than later.

And hold in mind a lot of people don't even TRY to start having kids until they're about the age you are now. You're a man. You're not racing a biological clock. To your own point, historically speaking, there have been men over twice your age now who have made babies. It would be different if you were a 45 year old woman (and even then, I have friends who were women who were in their 40's when they started having kids).

Life is not a race. There will always be people with more than you and people with less who are younger and older than you. There are people who are in their 40's and 50's who are now divorced and are starting over. So, they're essentially where you are, just now with more baggage. There are people older than you who have never been in relationships.

You can't change the past. All you can do is try to get yourself to place where you're ready for a relationship now (starting at the place you are now) and start working on finding someone (which may including figuring out a way to put yourself in a place to find people). Again, those seem like really great therapy topics given how much this is weighing on you. It's literally what I'm working with my therapist on now.

If it makes you feel any better, my 78 year old uncle who lives out in the middle of nowhere just found a wife DURING COVID. His wife died in March and he was re-married by Christmas! My grandmother met her final husband in a nursing home. He was a widower who came to visit his brother-in-law and thought she was cute. She was well into her 70's. If you're not dead, you're not too old. People much older than either of us do it.

Age is not a barrier here.

 

It sounds like this man has way too much going on for you, who are struggling with depression and sadness, to get involved. I don't know what he had to gain by asking you those questions. Maybe he thought that if you were single and lived alone, you could have helped him out. This all sounds like a heap of trouble. Sometimes, the wrong people approach us and we need to know not to let them in and create more drama in our already difficult lives.

What does your therapist have to say about how things are going for you, how you feel, and how you react to stimuli? I hope that your therapist is helping you.

 

You may have a chicken or egg situation where you need to get yourself to a more positive place mentally for the dating to go well. Easier said than done, I know. I get it. I'm in a similar spot where dates feel impossible to come by. But, to her point, maybe putting dating aside for a minute to work on other goals and then swinging back around later to dating isn't such a bad idea. You're still young! 32 is not old.

 

Dear Markness,

I'm so sorry you are going through a rough time. Just know you are not alone. Stay Strong and Keep holding on. I really hope you will be ok. From reading this thread you seem like a lovely person. I can tell you're hurting inside. And you know what, so are a lot of people, if not everybody.

I can totally understand why the questions that you got asked upset you. And I can understand why you're upset. I'm sorry I wish I could help you more. But please don't give up hope. You never know what's around the corner. And I kind of agree with Quebec and some other people here in the fact that maybe you should try to put yourself out there more. I admit I don't know much, if anything, about relationships or dating but I am here as a listener and someone who cares.

Please don't give up. You are worthy of love and life and I really really really hope you find love. I'm sure you will.

 

I am very familiar with your current line of thinking. You remind me of me. I can tell you right now that it gets you nowhere. I'm 30 and just had a breakup that left me feeling pretty horrible. The reasoning for why we broke up had to do with my overtly negative attitude and behavior. I was with someone who I was very connected to and I couldn't even enjoy it half the time because of my negativity. Stop doing this to yourself. If you keep up this negative train of thought it will follow you straight into a relationship and poison any connection you're able to create with someone.