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Monster

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Rupert30, Feb 2, 2020.

  1. Rupert30

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    I don't know why. Perhaps it has something to do with internalized homophobia or ocd or perhaps it doesn't. But for the longest time, since I can remember - I haven't really liked myself. Let alone loved myself. I'm sober from drugs and booze, I have for the most part gotten my sex addiction under control. And I no longer deal in codependent relationships. However I am depressed all the time due to my negative self obsession, and I think I've started to realize it's because I feel like deep down, I am capable of horrible things, or like if I let myself go completely I would become a monster of a person. I really don't want to be that. And sometimes I think maybe that's just my fear. But I have a deep fear, and had a feeling of premonition when I was 16 that I either had done some unspeakable crime in a past life or in the future I will do something really bad, lose control and hurt somebody. I couldn't handle it if I did that. I think maybe it's because when I was a kid I was basically a little sociopath, unaware of others reality, I thought the world revolved around me and I hurt several people as a result of this. I'm talking like 8 years old ish. And ever since then I fear there is something lurking in me that must be just bad. Like deep down that's who I am. And if I were ever able to truly find myself I'd find that I was basically on the level of a serial killer or a rapist or something else. Has anyone else experienced feelings like this? I don't have a desire to harm anyone or anything at all. I want to make that clear. It's just I fear who I could be.
     
  2. EleanorHunter

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    Not gonna lie, this has been a bit more prevalent of an issue lately in my journey of therapy and self-improvement. For me, the issue is that when I was younger, I was manipulated immensely into believing that I was a monster deep down, and all it would take was for me to "snap" and all hell would break loose. I once had a friend tell me very genuinely that he was scared of me, because "I don't know what you'll do when you snap." As if it were somehow on the horizon. So I have similar feelings, except it was other people who put them into my brain initially.

    A big point that was made to me was that I do care. I am a person with a lot of anger on a daily basis because of the BS life has given me. I've learned how to control anger like a damn lion tamer. It's to the point where if I have a total normal emotional response to something, I feel as if I've gone off the deep end. My peers have labelled me as "emotional" solely because I have so much on a daily basis that each new thing is a new version of the straw breaking the camel's back.

    The big thing to remember here is that, and while it doesn't sound very nice, we're not special cases. We keep saying "If I didn't care, I would be a monster", but that's not unique to just us. Literally everyone on this earth would be a monster if they didn't care. Every. Single. Person. And caring about people isn't a preventative measure against who you truly are, it's a genuine part of you. And you can't let the actions of your childhood self dictate what you might become later. People grow throughout their entire lives, you're never the same person that you were 20 years ago, especially if you were a child 20 years ago. On the logical side of things, sometimes kids just don't connect with the outside world until later; it's a normal thing that happens. If you genuinely regret those things that got people hurt, then I believe you're not the same person who did the harm.

    You have done so much work and have grown so much from what you've described. You deserve to relish in that success and be genuinely proud of yourself. Don't convince yourself that you're irredeemable based on hypotheticals.
     
  3. Rupert30

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    Thank you so much for putting things in this perspective. "Caring about things isn't a preventative measure against who you truly are, it's a genuine part of you". I've never heard that put that way. I do genuinely regret actions I have done in the past - I have apologized for them to whoever I felt I had harmed - but they also seemed to find it not as big of a deal as I did, the guilt and shame I carry. And also the anger I can have at points. I also had ideas reinforced through family members and peers. But they may have been slightly justified because I don't like who I was as a child even if maybe in objective reality I wasn't actually that bad. Thank you though that was helpful to hear that I'm not alone.
     
  4. bingostring

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    I agree with Eleanor. The fact that you have written what you have written is proof that you are self aware and caring.
    If you were a sociopath, or evil, you wouldn’t spend time worrying about what you might do or what people think of you.