Boy has it been a long day, long weekend, long year actually. I have been struggling with so many things these past several years specifically with my marriage and my sexuality. After my best friend of 20 years decided to end our friendship I completely lost it and was devastated. I felt like I no longer had a home base, like my anchor had been uprooted and taken away suddenly and without explanation. Her and I had a VERY LONG tumultuous torturous non-existent but existent to me relationship that really truly messed with who I thought I was and who I thought I loved. I didn't think I would survive without her...but obviously I had. Didn't realize it then but what I was going through was my first breakup with my first love. And yea my first breakup. I married the first and only man I ever dated, worried he would be my only chance to have children. I married hopeful that everything would turn out as I pictured in my head but unfortunately things have turned out so different. I married someone I have determined I really didn't know, still loving someone else, but thinking that love was wrong. Two kids and 12 years later here I am. Here we are, my husband and I talking about divorce. He has an anger problem that is uncontrolled. He has issues with high blood pressure and lashing out. Name calling and explosiveness. I have tried for years to make things work. I have blamed myself time and time again. I have lost myself truly not knowing who I was or what I wanted---I have always become what everyone else wanted and in the process I have grown to be resentful and a bit miserable. Then I met someone and she opened my eyes and more importantly softened my heart. I got butterflies and saw things in a different light. I began to have hope again and now feel that being me is who I need to be---as authentic as I possibly can be. After a long trying two weeks I have grown tired. I had a night of paralyzing panic attacks and little to no sleep. I had a conversation with my mom early this morning going over my options, do I leave or do i stay. If I leave what does that mean? And if I stay? The kids are the most important part of this picture, they are my priority and my reasons. I have never had a conversation before with my mom about the fact that I may be at the very least bi, possibly even a lesbian. I grew up Catholic. Catholic school most of my life. Lots of rules, dos and donts and the guilt. Omg the guilt. My mom was sending me pictures of a family friends daughter and her girlfriend. She was saying how happy they looked. I felt it was time. "Mom you know if I get divorced I will some day end up with a woman...." "Yes I can see that" "But mom you know what that means right?" "Yes I do and it doesn't matter what you want to do with your life or who you're with, I just want my girls happy (myself and my sister who is going through a divorce) ." That was a big moment. For almost 39 years I have lived for others, said or not said things to protect others...to follow the "rules" to do what I was "supposed" to do. I wasn't "supposed" to fall in love with my best friend at 14...but I did....I wasn't "supposed" to have a broken heart when she ended our friendship and walked away, but I did. I wasn't supposed to love a girl... But I have loved a girl. I do love a girl. And now my mom knows. She knows that this may be a possibility of and when I ever get divorced. And the world Didn't end. I am still breathing. Exhausted from the stress. Still a bit panicky but here. I cannot believe she knows....she confirmed she always kinda had a feeling....and yet she still loves me.... A door has opened. I am exposed. Vulnerable. But I am me. And who I am includes being able to fall in love with a girl. That's me. And I am ok.