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Mom Knows! And I am the one who told her....

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Thirdtimecharm, Aug 1, 2016.

  1. Thirdtimecharm

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    Boy has it been a long day, long weekend, long year actually.

    I have been struggling with so many things these past several years specifically with my marriage and my sexuality. After my best friend of 20 years decided to end our friendship I completely lost it and was devastated. I felt like I no longer had a home base, like my anchor had been uprooted and taken away suddenly and without explanation. Her and I had a VERY LONG tumultuous torturous non-existent but existent to me relationship that really truly messed with who I thought I was and who I thought I loved. I didn't think I would survive without her...but obviously I had. Didn't realize it then but what I was going through was my first breakup with my first love.

    And yea my first breakup. I married the first and only man I ever dated, worried he would be my only chance to have children. I married hopeful that everything would turn out as I pictured in my head but unfortunately things have turned out so different. I married someone I have determined I really didn't know, still loving someone else, but thinking that love was wrong.

    Two kids and 12 years later here I am. Here we are, my husband and I talking about divorce. He has an anger problem that is uncontrolled. He has issues with high blood pressure and lashing out. Name calling and explosiveness. I have tried for years to make things work. I have blamed myself time and time again. I have lost myself truly not knowing who I was or what I wanted---I have always become what everyone else wanted and in the process I have grown to be resentful and a bit miserable.

    Then I met someone and she opened my eyes and more importantly softened my heart. I got butterflies and saw things in a different light. I began to have hope again and now feel that being me is who I need to be---as authentic as I possibly can be.

    After a long trying two weeks I have grown tired. I had a night of paralyzing panic attacks and little to no sleep. I had a conversation with my mom early this morning going over my options, do I leave or do i stay. If I leave what does that mean? And if I stay? The kids are the most important part of this picture, they are my priority and my reasons.

    I have never had a conversation before with my mom about the fact that I may be at the very least bi, possibly even a lesbian. I grew up Catholic. Catholic school most of my life. Lots of rules, dos and donts and the guilt. Omg the guilt. My mom was sending me pictures of a family friends daughter and her girlfriend. She was saying how happy they looked. I felt it was time.

    "Mom you know if I get divorced I will some day end up with a woman...."

    "Yes I can see that"

    "But mom you know what that means right?"

    "Yes I do and it doesn't matter what you want to do with your life or who you're with, I just want my girls happy (myself and my sister who is going through a divorce) ."

    That was a big moment. For almost 39 years I have lived for others, said or not said things to protect others...to follow the "rules" to do what I was "supposed" to do. I wasn't "supposed" to fall in love with my best friend at 14...but I did....I wasn't "supposed" to have a broken heart when she ended our friendship and walked away, but I did. I wasn't supposed to love a girl...

    But I have loved a girl. I do love a girl. And now my mom knows. She knows that this may be a possibility of and when I ever get divorced.

    And the world
    Didn't end.

    I am still breathing.

    Exhausted from the stress. Still a bit panicky but here. I cannot believe she knows....she confirmed she always kinda had a feeling....and yet she still loves me....

    A door has opened. I am exposed. Vulnerable.

    But I am me. And who I am includes being able to fall in love with a girl. That's me. And I am ok.
     
    #1 Thirdtimecharm, Aug 1, 2016
    Last edited: Aug 1, 2016
  2. awildscrewup

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    This was beautiful. Your story has got me ready in the middle of a restaurant. I wish you all the best and you are so brave. :slight_smile:
     
  3. yuanzi

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    Good for you! Just like yours, my family reacted way more calmly than I expected when I came out to them. Part of me wanted to kick myself a little for not telling them earlier (I waited 10 years).

    It feels like a huge burden off the shoulders, doesn't it? :slight_smile:
     
  4. Bunny45

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    Wow, I'm tearing up. That's so wonderful.
     
  5. Adray

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    I know that vulnerability feeling. It's normal.

    You have done awesome! Life is going to be so much better for you. Be strong and be you.
     
  6. Orchidea123

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    This brought tears to my eyes.. You are going through such tough but at the same time beautiful times. Congratulations on having such an open understanding with your mom! I really hope you end up with a person who makes you smile and enjoy your life to the fullest, and hopefully your kids will be ok.
    Hang in there!(*hug*)
     
  7. LostInDaydreams

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    Lovely post. Well done! :slight_smile:
     
  8. Thirdtimecharm

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    Thanks everyone your kind words are very much appreciated.
     
  9. RosePetals76

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    This is so great! I'm glad your mom is supporting you in coming out. And that you can live up to who you're meant to be. Good luck in moving forward. I'm sure there will be ups and downs, but they'll lead to a place of happiness.
     
  10. QuestionMark99

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    This is the type of coming out story that I love to read. It's small and private and personal. If I ever do find the guts I hope it's just like your story. I've always imagined it going something like...

    "You know my friend XYZ .... You know he's not just my friend, right?"
    "Yes"
    "Is that OK?"
    "Yes!"

    I can really relate to your feelings of living for others as well because that is exactly what I am doing and have done my entire life. Always a afraid to rock that boat that's been sicking for 30+ years. I don't know you but I'm really happy for you and I hope life treats you well!

    Mark
     
    #10 QuestionMark99, Aug 2, 2016
    Last edited: Aug 2, 2016
  11. Thirdtimecharm

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    Thank you! My mom is awesome. Most of the fear was built up in my own head. First step to moving forward!

    ---------- Post added 9th Aug 2016 at 10:07 PM ----------

    Thank you Mark. I almost passed out when I told her...but then was able to compose myself and didn't have a panic attack. Telling her really has given me the freedom to take my power back, the power I have given up to so many for so many along the way. I truly am tired of feeling stifled and heavy from unhappiness, fear and regrets.

    Currently I am not going to get divorced tomorrow...and who knows I am get divorced in the future but at least now I know of and when it happens I will have the support of my mom to move forward with truly being me.

    Good luck in your journey. I had not planning on telling my mom anything ever and I just blurted it out to her without a second thought. Shocked myself. Ripped the bandaid right off....for me that was one of my first steps of taking back me, because for so long I have been lost...