Mixed orientation marriage

This has been really hard the last couple weeks. My wife is reserved to thinking that I will not ever be content in a "straight" marriage and that my happiness will depend on how authentically I choose to live my life. I have been dealing with depression lately and even my therapist keeps pointing me back to my sexuality and living unfulfilled as the main culprit. I don't disagree but I'm also not willing to just walk away from a relationship I've been in for almost 19 years, happily. Being "bi" was how it worked up until now but realizing I'm gay, not bi really changed things in my wife's mind. Understandably I guess.

Just not sure how to move forward with so much doubt in the air at home. She is not willing to open the marriage and frankly, I'm not sure I am either. But I'm also starting to realize that I either move on from the marriage or stay on this emotional roller-coaster of being gay and living straight. I just don't want to lose my best friend, it's a trade off but who is to say the grass is greener...

Confused and sad about it.

 

Hi there, thanks for sharing PJ208. Sorry you are going through such a tough time right now, I pray it gets easier for you.

I myself am in a similar situation where I've come out to my wife (been in relationship for 11 years) and struggled with sexuality my whole life. My main problems have been being obsessed with gay porn, masturbating and leading to even more thrill seeking behaviour like one night stands with men. I've now stopped all of this behaviour in the last 6 months but the urges and desires are still with me, although getting much easier to manage as time goes by

I have by no means got it figured out myself and still talking it through with my wife what it all means for us and how we deal with it, but the most important thing is we are doing it together. Likewise we can't imagine a future being apart so we're starting from there. Communication is everything, as well as openness and honesty.

I think for you personally it's important to realise that no couple or relationship is or needs to be the same as another. You should try to find what works for you regardless of what anyone else thinks or what society tells you. There are a lot of people on here with similar scenarios and have all found different solutions which is inspiring me to find my own and giving me confidence that it is possible and within my own power to choose.

Furthermore, just because you are gay, doesn't mean you have to life a gay life to be happy. Sexuality doesn't control your life, it should be used to choose how you live your life. All of this is up to you and your wife to decide together.

My final tip is to grow some confidence about being happy with your wife and she will acknowledge your confidence and feel more reassured herself. I assume your wife does make you happy by the fact you don't want to give up the marriage. I find it helps to simplify the important things and nail them down in your mind/heart/soul and build upon them.

Stay strong and keep active on EC for support

 

Hi SoRo, you will see my situation from the post I wrote above this one.

I'm currently abstaining from pornography and masturbation altogether (currently 6 months). I've tried many times in the past as I too felt as if I was addicted, but after seeing a therapist the key difference was seeing it as an obsession rather than addiction as I did have some control over when I did it, etc. Once you embrace that, you feel more power and ownership about your decisions. The beginning is the hardest and requires alot of determination, but what helps the most is open honest communication between the pair of you. If he falters, support him through it. Show him that porn is not the only way to sexual satisfaction. The motivation really has to be there but I have told say... I feel liberated and so much freer since stopping. I used to think about it constantly, day and night, planning when I would get my next 'fix'. I was in a loop where the guilt and shame of doing it actually kept me doing it.

I know my solution may not be long term or possible for everyone, but it's been extremely helpful to me to give me the space to try and figure myself out without distraction or external influence interfering. He'll probably hate the idea but love the relief after a while and feel proud to have control for what sounds like the first time in his life (just as it was for me)

 

I appreciate your reply! We are indeed doing our best to work it out. She will not ever by ok with opening the marriage and I won't cheat on her. It's tough because I do crave men romantically, emotionally and yes sexually. Even the Therapist I've seen said it seems to him to NOT be a sexual motivation. The sex part to me is just a positive side affect of good chemistry, not the driving emotion.
Doing what I can right now, especially through the holidays, I've gone many years without giving in to my temptations but not sure I really want to spend my whole life doing this. It culminates into depression which over the years has gotten worse. Thanks again for the note. I appreciate it very much

 

Thought I'd share my experience too - I (M46) came out as bi to my wife (F45) 4-5 years ago (we've been together 22 years). Initially I didn't know if I was gay or bi or something else - I had just had just been suppressing my same-sex attraction all my life but it got more urgent (stronger, more constant feelings etc.).
So she suggested I experiment with a guy - just to get the "questioning" phase out of the way and see where our relationship stood for the future...
Having been with a guy we found (surprisingly to us) that she really enjoyed the idea of me seeing guys. We then sort of progressed to having threesomes and to her seeing other guys - we just treat each episode as it comes - if one or other of us isn't 100% into it we don't do it - rather than having an "anything goes" type of arrangement.
We just make sure we have total communication and no "cheating" (i.e. we dont even contact other people without each other's consent) Sometimes one or other of us gets a message on ###### or ###### or wherever and we check in with each other about whether to pursue it or not...
The last year or so she's not bothered to see other people but I do maybe once a month or so - we just constantly check in with each other and it's been really great for our relationship - and TOTALLY different to how we thought things would turn out years ago!
Communication is EVERYTHING though with these things!

 

So happy you are happy to have your wife let you experiment.

 

I am lucky! It really works well for both of us - not an arrangement we would have predicted years ago but it's been great!

 

How d

How does that all work ?

 

We just check in with each other first - i.e. "how do feel about me maybe seeing someone on the weekend?" - and if the other person isn't 100% into it we don't do anything - sometimes you might feel a bit needy or insecure or sometimes we haven't spent much time together because of work etc. - so in those situations we might say "I think I need US time this week" or "sure, go for it!" as the case may be...!
Or sometimes one or other of us would like a threesome and we ask if the other feels like it before we start trying to organise it on grindt/######/snapchat etc.
Most of the time we DON'T feel like doing anything extra because we DO have a very satisfying sex life at home! And we live in a country town an hour from the city - so sometimes you just can't be bothered going out! Most nights we just watch TV like "normal" people!
We made very strict rules for ourselves - like not chatting/flirting with people without the other person's permission/consent - no secrets - and if the other IS on a "date" we have to text each other when we arrive, and when we've MET the person and they're ok (nothing weird like there are other people present we didn't know about or they're not like their photo or they're acting weird or whatever!) and we text when we're leaving.
The safety aspect is the most stressful part - we also prefer, if she's meeting up with someone, that they come here at least the first time, so if she texts that something is up I can be there. Or if she DOESN'T send the second "we've met" text - then something might be up... (these were mostly rules we made because I found it quite stressful worrying about HER safety)
But any worries or concerns we've had along the way we've just made rules for next time - and if either of us decided we're not comfortable with it anymore we will go back to being 100% monogamous.
Anyhow that's how we've organized the practicalities of it - if that's what you question was about!

 

S

All sounds like a good system