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Mixed feelings

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Peterpangirl, Aug 5, 2017.

  1. Peterpangirl

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    I have been emailing a woman for a week. Over the course of this week things have ratcheted up fast, until we found a way of meeting yesterday evening. And I am feeling a mixture of feelings. Firstly I'm concerned that I was overly intimate over emails. They become dangerously quickly like poetic love letters and that's my fault - I feel I led it. Both of us are in a similar position - separated, but still within the family home, with children and recently having suffered unrequited love for a woman. After a drink and only about an hour we ended up in her car together, making out, having held hands in public in a small town and kissed, which I felt quite anxious about. It is my first time ever with a woman. She had a very innocent, but nonetheless love relationship as a student, many years ago, so we are fairly even there. I felt comfortable, physically. I enjoyed touching her, the scent of her skin, her soft female body felt comforting and reassuringly like home. I felt both curiosity and desire to touch her and kiss her body. Especially, I wanted to give her pleasure, because I sense the years of loneliness in her. I tenderly feel like I wanted her to enjoy physical contact, because she has not experienced that visceral pleasure with a man. I feel weirdly calm and nurturing, whilst she is shaking. I am not as focused on my own pleasure, though I am turned on. But, and here's the but. I am concerned just how into me she is. She made some comment about "when we are married" and kept saying "this feels so right, I knew it as soon as I saw you". She said " I don't know how I'm not going to see you until..." The date we can probably meet is some weeks away and she wants us to get a room. I just don't think I can give that level of intensity or commitment right now. I'm not in love with her. I've only been in love twice - once with my husband and once with my catalyst. It's only been a week. Although we have talked about intimate a things I just I want to have more ordinary conversations too. I'm honestly not sure I'm completely over my catalyst, or emotionally ready or able to have those feelings for anyone else. I am scared of her need.
     
  2. rosemarythyme

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    I lack the experience but I have similar feelings you describe about women - wanting to be very tender and loving to them in general and in sexual fantasies too. I've only just started talking to a few people on a dating site but I see how it could become quite heady if both encourage each other. Would you say you are more self reflective out of the two of you? Even if she is honestly in love and finding the courage to let it show it doesn't sound right that it feels like a need and a burden to you. I can't think of anything else except having a conversation about it with her. For myself, at this stage where I'm trying to be more honest with myself and others, I think I'd appreciate the feedback even if it's something I don't want to hear. It doesn't sound like you want to stop seeing her just readjust the expectations to suit both of you as the relationship develops.
     
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  3. zumbaqueen

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    I think you need to be honest with her about where your thoughts and emotions are right now. I know right after I came out I felt like I wanted to explore the sexual part of it and I had to do it NOW. I would have went to bed with the woman I met immediately. Luckily she slowed me down and although I still want to move faster than she does it's been really good for me. I find her incredibly attractive but I am also getting to know her and her personality to make sure we really are compatible. Just talk to her. I think that's the most important thing you can do when you start a relationship.
     
  4. NeonSocks

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    I agree with @zumbaqueen and think the best thing you can do is just be honest with her and ask her to respect where you are coming from.

    I think slowing things down will allow you both to catch up with your emotions and make sure you are emotionally ready for whatever comes next.
     
  5. I am here

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    I have been where you are. Met up with a girl, was intimate and things escalated rather quickly, too quickly. Her feelings for me surpassed my feelings for her. She was in deeper than me and her feelings made me want to back away. And i did, the intensity scared me. I wasn't completely over my catalyst, I'm still not if I'm honest.
    We had some time away from each other, then we started speaking again, i was honest about wanting to take things slow, and after one not so great miscommunication, we are where we are now, together, but moving slow.
    I really understand how overwhelming it can be, especially given your feelings for your catalyst. If I'm truly honest, those feelings are still there for me as well, in a much lesser extreme but they're there, like a dull ache. It's hard. It's difficult to navigate a potential relationship with someone else when you are still raw from a past love. And I'm much the same as you, don't fall in love easily, I've only ever loved my ex husband and my catalyst so it's a somewhat bizarre concept that some people are able to so easily fall into such deep feelings, so quickly.

    Good luck with everything, my suggestion would be to talk it out with her.
     
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  6. silverhalo

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    I agree with the others honesty is the way forward. Just explain to her you like her but that everything is moving too quickly for you and you acknowledge your own part in that but you'd like things to move a little slower. If she isn't ok with that then she isn't the right person for you and she doesn't like you as much as she says she does :slight_smile:
     
  7. Bouldghirl

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    I think you have to step back a little from where you are. You say you have gone from the initial e-mail to making out within a week. I can fully understand that your feelings have led you to this situation but jumping in with both feet when you aren't aware of the depth is a dangerous thing to do. You've now realised that and I agree with those who say you need to explain that you need to take the time to develop a friendship / relationship. If she is coming from the same place is you then I'm sure she will understand. Take the time to get to know each other and let things develop naturally. As someone who found her true sexuality later in life I know the temptation to 'make up for lost time' is very real. Take your time and I wish you every happiness.
     
  8. Moonsparkle

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    Hi Peterpangirl,
    I wouldn't be too hard on yourself about becoming 'overly intimate over e-mails'. I think for women especially, not exactly sure how to describe it-- but we are 'attracted' to words, to expressing ourselves in words, (poetic love letters!). It is a way we emotionally connect, and that is sooo important to women. I've never had a relationship that starts online, but I imagine for me I could get carried away in online communication if I felt I had a connection with someone! Maybe this can just be a reminder to try to dial it down a bit in e-mail communication, if you haven't yet met someone IRL. Hard to do I know!

    Sounds as if IRL you both do have a connection, and an attraction to each other. But, her above quotes do seem like waaaay too much, too soon. I'm with you, I would just want to have ordinary conversations too--I think most of us would. Her neediness does seem scary and also I would see as a turn off. Who knows though, maybe she is sitting at home right now, having had a chance to reflect and check herself a bit and is thinking: 'OMG I shouldn't have said that about being married, about not being able to see her for a while, I probably scared her off!" Or maybe she IS just one of those perpetually needy/smothering people.

    Big thing here though is that you have a really good sense of exactly where you are at right now and what you are able to offer a relationship. You have insight into the fact that you may still have lingering feelings for your catalyst, you know you are not in love with this new woman, you know exactly the level of intensity you want from this right now. Knowing where you are and what you want and being able to articulate it is huge! As has been suggested I would have a conversation with her expressing all this. And see where she goes with it. If she is open and understanding, and gets your perspective on things--then that could be a green light. But if she is devastated, overly sensitive, doesn't get it and reacts negatively that would seem like a huge red flag!

    I think it's awesome that you took a risk--- met someone online and went on a date! Whatever happens with you and her, this is all just another step along the journey. :slight_smile:
     
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  9. Silverbirch

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    Years ago I was flirting with a woman on an online forum. She ended up falling in love with me but to me it was a bit of flirting. I didn't realise how it came across. We ended up being girlfriends but I always felt pressure because I never had the guts to ask to slow it down because it was me who'd gone so fast in the first place . so I'd say talk to her about it before it becomes a real issue. Good luck.
     
  10. Peterpangirl

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    I received a couple of emails from her whilst I was not getting internet reception this past 24 hours or so. Turns out she is seriously worried about having messed up when we made out, as she says she has never experienced such strong physical feelings in her life before. I do recall that she was shaking and I also recall I just wanted to please her and enjoy touching her. I in no way thought she had messed up, as I honestly enjoyed making out with her. I don't know where she got that impression as I thought I gave the impression that I had enjoyed it, as indeed I had! Turns out that she has also confided in her parents, with whom she has a close relationship, about me and where she was on Friday night (as she had initially made up a cock and bull story). She also wants to share lots with me about her life in general to this point.

    So I replied reassuring her that she hadn't messed up and that I was fumbling around too (couldn't she tell?!) and I was fine with that and genuinely had a good time. More than that - a "tender" time. Because that's how it felt: warm. I also reminded her of our mutual vulnerability and the fact that I was getting over someone else, so there very was a limit to how much I could offer, given the other factors in my life (and her life) right now.

    I'm very thankful for all your advice on EC. I think she wants to jump straight into bed, but I think I am still very happy with heavy petting - it felt lovely and I don't see the rush to hurry immediately into bed. I want to flirt and be playful together in person, not just through emails. The trouble is, though, as we don't live around the corner from one another, it is hard to do some shorter, "getting to know you" dates, having fun doing other stuff together, as well as making out.

    I hope she will understand where I am coming from...
     
  11. silverhalo

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    Hey Peterpangirl I am glad you managed to discuss some of it with her. I think maybe she like many of us just assume the worst, especially perhaps if you were out of contact quite soon after the meet up. I think it's about setting out ground rules and I don't mean that in a strict school kind of way, even if just with yourself, it's just maintaining your discipline in the heat of the moment.
    I don't know how far away from each other you live and I remember you spoke about her wanting to get a room but maybe if you are meeting up in a place in the middle you could both get rooms and sleep separately but spend the rest of the time for a weekend together, that would give you lots of time for activities and making out, including conversations and dinner or lunch etc but without the pressure of sleeping together.
     
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  12. Peterpangirl

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    I'm afraid we are both as bad as the other. This week we've largely been out of email contact, so have been texting. When we are both on best behaviour we are asking about what the other person has been doing and just catching up. But we've both also crossed the line at points and been bordering on "sexting" with suggestive texts. We flirt and then rein ourselves in, then start over. I think we are both aware we are being a bit dodgy, but are having fun at the same time. It's a fine line and we're treading it...
     
  13. silverhalo

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    Haha well I am glad you are having fun. Its difficult isnt it, I mean you are both adults and you like each other its difficult not to cross the line. Just keep working through it you will get there.
     
  14. KenzyBell

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    Can anyone help??
    I really like this girl that goes to my school and we've been talking all summer and we've known each other for 3 years now. I've liked her since we first met and I don't know if I should tell her I like her or not. I don't know if she still likes girls because she dated a guy a long time ago, than a girl about a year ago and recently got out of a relationship with a boy. I really like her and I try so hard not to act like it, but it's so hard to. She acts a lot differently around me than she does with other people and i don't know if she feels the same.
     
  15. beenthrdonetht

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    Peterpangirl, those are pretty good signs... I mean, we probably all recall those times: can't it be that way all the time? I think your reply was good; "tender" was a nice touch, probably conveyed the right impression. I also think it's a good sign that she's not hiding from her parents... although she probably didn't tell them how you revved her from zero to fast so quickly! :slight_smile:

    In brief, you're doing well — and following (our) instructions well too, hehe. I hope this one turns out to be one of the happy endings... yeah that too, well you know what I mean.
     
  16. Peterpangirl

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    Oh my! What is happening to me??? Just spoke on the phone with her this evening after texting regularly for days - and really wanted to be with her again so badly. Even to hold her a little while. And it just felt so damned good when she let me know that first time that she really liked what I did to her. It felt so great, being able to please her in any way and so easy and playful. Way better than receiving affection even. We didn't sleep together, but we sure as hell made out. Am I crazy or what? I am feeling like an adolescent, but of course I'm not and I totally need to get a grip.
     
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  17. Moonsparkle

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    But you do have a grip! I think you are just truly ENJOYING yourself! Maybe that feels weird, like losing your grip because it's an unfamiliar feeling. I would say it feels like adolescence because as late in lifers this really IS sort of the same for us. New adventures, all the high highs and the low lows, we just don't have algebra homework this time around :slight_smile:.

    To me I think you are doing everything right. You've been honest with her and about what you can offer. You two seem to communicate well. I would enjoy this and go with it. It sounds like you are having fun, but still maintaining your grip. The fact that you are keeping your boundaries where you need them, and expressing yourself honestly to her is evidence of this! Enjoy this experience! :slight_smile:
     
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  18. RJay

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    Oh come on! No getting a grip is necessary. This all sounds awesome. We *are* adolescents, really. And that's OK.
     
  19. Findingmyself1

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    I agree with others that you are handling this great! Have fun and enjoy the feelings. Let yourself enjoy and get lost.. see where it takes you. No need to get a grip and nope I don't think you're crazy! :slight_smile: