It has been one month since I came out to my husband, then parents, sister & her husband and 3 childhood best friends (and a random email to my magazine editor). 9 people, whose reactions have been completely different. I am left realizing their own assumptions and opinions about me are completely out of my control and actually have nothing to do with me. My coming out process is individual to me, just as their process in hearing it is individual to them. The hardest part is having to listen to their assumptions and judgements and know if it is worth "defending" myself. How can I ever expect them to understand my experience? Their questions and comments are so much about their own feelings and not very much about me at all. When I think that I am going to have to face this every time I come out to people in the future, which for me will likely stretch out over years, it is exhausting. My husband's feelings are the ones I am giving the most energy to respectfully...that our live has been a sham, an experiment, a lie...these core misunderstandings of coming out later in life are devastating to hear and have to defend and try to explain.
Hey I'm sorry you are having such a rough time. In my experience a straight person (however supportive) will never truely understand your journey, your feelings or the hell you have been through to get to where they are and to a point how can they. Before I questioned my sexuality, I was clueless too. I don't know how I thought gay people just knew they were gay but I did and whilst I was aware that coming out wasn't easy, I honestly had no idea. I know coming out currently feels like a never ending process and in a way it is but at the same time it gets so much easier. The hardest people to tell are the first ones because obviously this is all new, you have less of a support network and also often they are the closet to you and so you have the biggest potential to lose. In fact often people you are only just meeting are easier to tell because it's like this is me take it or leave it. They also have no preconceived ideas about who you are etc etc. I'm not defending your friends and families reaction but it is likely they were shocked and now are going through the stages of grief but I'm sure they will come around. I promise it does get better.
I agree that this process can be exhausting. I’ve only come out to a very few select people, but I am fearing the reactions when I have to someday tell my family. I am dreading the holidays and their questions about why my husband and I are separated. I am also hoping this will get easier someday. Hang in there.
Congrats on coming out. The first steps are always the hardest. The first person I came out to, was a not-so-close friend, via text. She took it well and even said she suspected all along. I then came out to my parents, sister, brother-in-law and then on Facebook, so most people in my life (At least the ones I have on Facebook) know about my sexuality. It does get easier the more you do it. I'm at a point now where I can come out to new people I meet without batting an eye or thinking twice. For the most part, people have been accepting. You should just take it one day at a time. One person at a time. Don't look at the part of the mountain still in front of you. Stop, take a look back and see how far you've already come. And the only way to reach the top, is to put one foot in front of the other, one step at a time. And you're allowed to admire the view on your way to the top, it makes the journey that much easier. Don't lose hope. Things really do get better the more people you come out to. The ones you have come out to, and are still going to come out to, have to all go through the stages of acceptance/grief (Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance). It doesn't always happen in that order and can even jump back and forth between two, before they reach a point of acceptance. Remember, you didn't realize and accept your sexuality overnight. You went through the stages, no matter how long it took. So be patient with the people you've come out to, and those you're still going to come out to. Stay positive and fabulous. Hugs.
So happy for you in coming out! I remember when I first came out and people would say that to me... And I would think...happy for me?...this is devastating. But what they knew that I didn't was that this is taking a journey towards wholeness. And wholeness is a gift that can't be replaced with anything else. It gave me a sense of integrity. Living with integrity enables me to feel a confidence and clarity of self that I had never had before. What that really gives me now in the moments of coming out is a comfortability in my skin that I haven't ever experienced until I did come out. The reality is that you are right...coming out is usually a forever thing. You have to do it over and over again. A new job? Have to figure out how to come out again. New doctor? Same. The list goes on. But luckily, it gets easier. And you are so comfortable in it that you don't have any need to "defend" or explain a thing. Your ease in it sends out an energy that lets others accept it and if they don't you don't care anyway because you have your own back with love. You are in the thick of grief and shock and trauma right now. Don't look ahead with this moment in mind. It will get better. Feel this, hold on tight to truth, and keep walking this thing. Love & Peace from me too.
