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Midlife crisis, confusion or real

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Bastion, Jul 29, 2020.

  1. Bastion

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    This is indeed very interesting. Very nice. Honestly, I haven’t heard anything like that could work or be possible. What you have described could very well be the best of both worlds scenario. But what about your children? Are they like okay with it? And I want to say something but am kind of embarrassed to say. What kind of benefits are we talking about here. I say this only because a friend of mine has been through hell two times with a person who is supposedly FWB but it was more like a business arrangement and then it went bad after that you don’t want to hear the rest of it. Am still kinda shocked to think about it.

    Or is it just like a real genuine affection and attraction and from both sides.
     
  2. Bastion

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    So how did you cope during all this time. Like the ten years period. Did you have like hidden affairs. Cause even straight guys can sometimes have mistresses on the side.

    Am very interested in the process. I think about it a lot of the time. Sometimes it consumes me. Makes me anxious and stressed out. I can’t sleep. I get angry sometimes. It takes a toll that I have not for seen before. But I managed to reduce that by going to the gym and staying active. But also sometimes I can’t focus because am running scenarios in my head. And it takes a toll out of my life that even people notice am not myself in someways.

    Maybe I need to take things step by step. Maybe some coaching with people who have have been through it can help me out also.

    I know I have somewhere a hidden problem with acceptance also. But my environment is also kind of negative and not very accepting. So I tend to think what I feel is not valid or is not real.
     
  3. Nickw

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    My FWB is like a cross between a best friend and a lover. I love him. Our intimacy is as good as anything I have ever heard of. Very passionate and caring. My feeling is that I can take a deep friendship and that sex can increase that bond even if we don't have a "romance" in a classic sense. Nights in front of the TV have me between my wife and he and I will have an arm around each sometimes. I've never heard of this sort of thing before but if feels really right for each of us right now. I don't pretend it can last forever. I really want him to find his life partner.

    I did not cheat on my wife. I did, once, hookup with another married guy to JO. We didn't follow through because we each came to the realization that to make our little affair work we would have to trust each other. How can you trust a guy who cheats on his wife? We both started laughing about that and called it off. I told my wife. She laughed too. I also almost went home with a young woman I met on a bike ride once. But, I couldn't do that either.

    I have been, hopelessly, attracted to my wife through most of my adult life. But, I also need to nurture my same sex desire. But, that doesn't mean I need to have sex with a guy. In fact, I doubt that I will ever be with another man after my FWB moves on. I have experienced the most incredible thing with him and it can rest on its own merits. I don't feel I need to seek it again. Just like I couldn't imagine being with another woman.

    I see life as an accumulation of experiences that continue to define me. It took awhile, but I learned I have to approach things as honestly as I can. This means being honest with myself. It took me awhile to understand that my same sex attractions were a part of me that needed to be considered. That meant taking a risk. That took me a long time to do and those years that I kept to myself were bad years. Hiding my sexuality cost me a lot. It cost my wife a lot. It kept me from really developing deep friendships. All because of fear.

    The first step for you is to look yourself in the mirror and say the following "I'm gay". I had to do that to accept that I was bisexual. Once I got past that I could start to work on what that meant for how I needed to live my life. But, I won't kid you. It wasn't very easy.
     
  4. Bastion

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    Very informative and valuable insights. I really like how you express things. Like down to earth, honest, natural, effortless way. It’s very serene and shows very much that you put the effort and the hard work, going through the process, the journey, the struggle and now you are at peace with it.

    I still am not clear how you view this like an experience? or a phase? you say after this friendship/ intimacy with the FWB guy is over. You are done with being a bi person. Does this mean you needed a change in your life? And now that you have experienced or explored this wonderful thing with this guy. It’s gonna be over that you won’t be gay or bi or anything just a straight person.
    And also you seem adamant in thinking I am gay. And that I should own up to it. In your last paragraph. Maybe am just like you. A bi married man.

    Btw if you write a book one day. I will be one of the first people to buy it. Because Your writing is very good, insightful, engaging and honest.
     
  5. Nickw

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    I’m not labeling you as gay. I’m suggesting that sometimes using the bisexual label can be an excuse for diminishing our same sex desires. Being bisexual can mean that our attractions to men can be as compelling as any gay man’s. Plus we can be just as attracted to women as any straight guy. It’s just that we feel it for both.

    So, I had to own gay. Or, I could always claim my same sex attractions were secondary to my opposite sex attractions. That would define part of my sexuality as less important than other parts. Then I could walk away from my sexuality anytime I wanted if I could claim my same sex attractions didn’t matter or were just a phase.

    I will never walk away from being bisexual. I just don’t think I need to have sex any more with men to own the gay parts of my sexuality. The sex is secondary to the sexuality in other words.
     
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  6. Bastion

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    Yes. This makes sense in a lot of ways. And I do find that sex is as you said secondary to the sexuality and I am attracted to both men and women. But even so I don’t find it necessary to have sex to prove am this or that. Also I don’t go out of my way chasing this person or that person for that purpose only. Not anymore maybe because we are older and not teenagers or in our twenties . Our needs have changed and our way of thinking. We look for connections. And more deeper and fulfilling ones. Not just the act itself.
     
  7. Bastion

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    I want you to add that I really appreciate our conversation and it is very helpful to me and I wanted to thank you for spending the time and sharing your experience. I hope I didn’t offend you in anyway or say inappropriate things.
     
  8. Nickw

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    everything is cool. The purpose of this forum is to ask questions of ourselves and others. So, there is never anything wrong with asking anything you want to learn.
     
  9. Bastion

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    Cool. At this point am trying to figure things out. I know I did mess up on my journey sometimes. But I try and learn from my mistakes and perhaps that leads one to better under oneself. So how did you process things out and reach your inner peace and understanding. What were the high points, the low points and the main points that lead you to where you are now if I may ask?
     
  10. Nickw

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    I led a charmed life for most of my life. I was probably the happiest person I knew. I was a pretty hard core outdoor athlete. mountain biking, skiing, rock climbing, whitewater kayaker kite surfer. I always looked at least ten years younger.I knew I was bisexual since I was a kid. But, it didn’t matter. My life just didn’t have time for that stuff.

    My wife sorta lost interest in me sexually. But, other women didn’t. I was hit on all the time by women and it just made me angry at my wife. But, I always figured it was a phase and I refused to grow old. So, I figured I could deal with that later.

    One day I skied off a drop off and injured my back. Suddenly, I was faced with mortality. I was faced with a surgery that might leave me impotent. My wife was supportive. She said that didn't matter to her. I lost it. I had always fantasized that someday, somehow, I would experience same sex intimacy. Now, I saw that my life might not include that possibility. I turned out that my injury wasn't as bad as originally thought and I would, mostly, recover. But, the wake up call stimulated this need to experience same sex intimacy. So, I started flirting with guys. I was still in pretty good shape even though I was unable to do much in the way of my former athletic endeavors. I met a bartender that I hit it off with. He propositioned me. I freaked. I got into counseling and this website and after six months I came out to my wife. She needed to know why I was having so much trouble.

    So. midlife crisis....check. It happens with regularity with guys like us. We reach some milestone and this part of our sexuality that we hide so well now becomes a real thing...
     
  11. Bastion

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    Yes i can relate to that. I guess i always knew that i was different. I didn’t to conform to rigid Heteronormative indoctrination. It just sort of felt natural. I still don’t think it’s a big issue. I have developed a thick skin over the years. I can switch off and on this part and that part of me at will. But the environment in which one grows up, plays a big part and has a big effect on someone especially when it’s like 100% leaning towards traditional heteronormative societal pressures and moral codes.

    My teenage years I guess. High school and stuff. That was the period were i kind of struggled the most in terms of relationships(intimate). I had friends off course but having a personality leaning more towards introversion than extroversion.

    College was better. And after college even better. Then I settled into marriage and then one kind of starts to lose touch with friends because work, marriage, kids. Even though I was happy for a while. I keep having the feeling that maybe there is more to life than just marriage, kids work. You start to wonder that maybe you are missing something in your life. That people change and your are not living life to its fullest potential in accordance with how you feel.

    So when this feeling that something is not quite complete in your life. You start to question. How can can it be better.