Feeling a bit..strange. I recently went on a fishing trip with my cousin and mother. And they called it, "The Girl's Fishing Trip." And I did a double take. At first I was feeling what I usually did..the empowered powerful woman pride thing, that I used to feel back when I thought I was a tomboy. And then, I stopped and felt suddenly uncomfortable. Ummm..no..not a girl's trip, a family trip. It was very startling. And I went to this store and after being used to forcing myself to fit in and dress appropriately for my birth gender as female..I automatically gravitated around the shiny diamond bracelets. I find jewelry beautiful, like a scientist observing some strange species he's attempting to interact with. It's there, it exists, I don't mind it, if anything I'm fascinated by it. Why do women go crazy about it? Am I expected to? We're my thoughts about it. I've become so used to wearing them and buying jewelry that I do so despite not caring about it. I became self conscious as a group of guys were standing around socializing and a guy interacting with his mom while shopping. And I felt a weird itching feeling within and I felt odd like I wasn't acting right..or something. And became aware suddenly how feminine my chest is and how I look feminine and am looking at jewelry. And I wanted to act differently, so they would see me as masculine. As odd as that sounds. And at time I'll go to advocate women's rights to be strong, athletic and masculine-like. Then, I'll be like..wait..I'm not a women. And then, I feel strange like I don't know how to act and what to say. On some level I always stood out from my masculine ways and identity, and felt that I was a man. But, I've never confronted that part of me, that whole of me, so boldly before. It's a lot of adjusting lately. And even more so a few people online called me a girl, or by she/her pronouns saying I gave off a "feminine vibe." Which made me feel uncomfortable and offended. But, I managed to recover and correct them. I don't have much to ask for advice. Just am venting to y'all. If, that's okay.
Yeah, that can be really weird to wrap year head around sometimes. I know that even today sometimes I still catch myself thinking I have to act feminine with certain people. I think it is because I still have that feeling that it was expected of me. With time, that feeling becomes less and less. That's not saying that you lose a feminine side, you just learn what you are comfortable with. Transitioning is interesting, because you really have to learn everything about yourself all over again.
It's okay to vent. That's what we're hear for. And I'm sure many people here (myself included) can relate to experiences like this. Just like Brad said, transitioning is a process where you're really getting to learn who you are all over again. So it's absolutely okay to question and think through all this. It's funny, I almost introduced myself with my birth name the other day... It just caught in my throat and I was like, "Wait... no... I'm Alec." Now I don't have a hatred of my birth name or of being seen as feminine, but it just feels unnatural to refer to me as a girl. I get what you mean with shopping and feeling how you come across to other people. At work (I work in fast food) it is still a shock to me when customers tell me "thank you sir" because it's like I don't even realize how people could see me as male when I've spent so many years bracing myself for a "ma'am" in those moments.
Hey there, In response to some people say that you give off a feminine vibe online, I just wanted to say that when I read your response to my post yesterday I thought that you were cismale.
