mental and emotional cost of denial

My perspective - being thick skinned is a defensive mechanism for hiding from our true emotions and sensitivities.

 

this is a a really good topic and as onthehighway said "As we live life behind the emotional wall being untrue to ourselves, with low confidence and low self esteem, we may need to seek validation from others. This validation can come in many forms - pushing ourselves to excel at work, becoming charitable and helping others, being a people pleaser always wanting others to be happy, and even seeking out sexual relations. All of this while we remain behind our emotional walls and living closet lives."

I don't know how to get quote box thing to work instead of copying and pasting.

When i was at boarding school and all these thoughts going in around my head and would just lie on my bed in the dorm and be down . Then one moment i started to go full blast at learning and put all my effort . French , maths all subjects and they had two tier classes and all that work i was put into the higher tier.

 

So many themes jump out at me in this whole thread. I could have written this sentence from the OP, "Scared, anxious, lack of confidence, poor self esteem, avoiding social interaction." I think it's all a self-perpetuating cycle and is so hard to break it. If you don't have confidence and esteem you don't come out and you avoid people which leads to anxiety about what others think and loneliness and then numbing and confidence remains low, repeat. Fear of being rejected so I preemptively reject others. Maybe coming out more would reduce the fear/anxiety to try something new, have a small success, gain confidence and get into a new cycle of positive changes.

For many years constantly monitoring and editing myself, what is ok to say, do I sound gay, will that out me, who I looked at and for how long, did anyone notice? All this paranoia. I've gotten a lot better about this.

Staying busy at work and at home as avoidance, things are fine, what more do I need, not wanting too much attention for good work, hiding, the more people notice me the more they may see I'm gay. If I let people get too close they may ask why I'm single and suspect I'm gay. I'm sure many have anyway. I avoided changing jobs so I didn't have to meet new people and got so burned out which added to depression which hurt my work too.

I totally feel stuck in my early 20s when the confusion and frustration of why my friends were so into women and I just played along, not yet knowing what was going on. I too am into younger guys, as if I can relive those lost years through them. As if I'm still that age, in some ways i guess I am. In the mirror I see a younger me, but in pictures I look more my age and can't imagine a younger guy liking me. I find guys closer to my age attractive too, but there aren't as many for lots of reasons. Who knows who I'll ever be with.

 

This is a beautiful and important thread.

I completely agree with OP and all others here.

Notice how the things you mentioned OP are different for a gay guy back in the 70s or 80s or even 90s.. to the younger guys now.
One cannot label the entire blame to this aspect of us. If we take this aspect out and see the rest - the environment we grow up in, the parenting techniques applied on to us, our surroundings, the kind of people we dealt with also factor in heavy.

It is all summative - It is like for many years our brains are creating this negative neural pathway which are linked to our 'feelings' by the chemical changes that take place.
The brain can either conquer and establish ways to counteract it or it could go into a negative loop and destroy the self esteem.
Now compare between that time and now. It will be completely different. The guys coming out these days have the support, acceptance... as compared to the old days. But yet i must agree, it is equally hard these days too.

Our brains work in an amazing way. It does feel weird to say to you self 'i love myself, i am worthy'... but it INFACT leads to a chemical change when our ears hear our own mouth saying it. It leads to increasing of lets call them Happy chemicals and decreasing of cortisol .. unhappy stuff.

I would say, each one of us, suffering or not, gay or not - should invest our time into finding out how to have a positive dialogue with in yourself. It is important to filter our the hate and filth we come across and dwell into the spiritual process.

 

I feel like i typed that..
This forum is amazing. Period.

 

I agree . Here is what i will be taking with me to my first therapy session on monday .i have it printed off but on here i have to copy and paste as i can reference other websites and alot these have come up on this thread. I even got paranoid if i fell asleep on train or plane if i said something in my sleep which i do and sleepwalk also. Sorry whats does OP stand for?

What is internalised homophobia?

Internalised homophobia and oppression happens to gay, lesbian and bisexual people, and even heterosexuals, who have learned and been taught that heterosexuality is the norm and “correct way to be”. Hearing and seeing negative depictions of LGB people can lead us to internalise, or take in, these negative messages. Some LGB people suffer from mental distress as a result.

A general sense of personal worth and also a positive view of your sexual orientation are critical for your mental health. You, like many lesbian, gay and bisexual people, may have hidden your sexual orientation for a long time. Research carried out in Northern Ireland into the needs of young LGBT people in 2003 revealed that the average age for men to realise their sexual orientation was 12, yet the average age they actually confided in someone was 17. It is during these formative years when people are coming to understand and acknowledge their sexual orientation that internalised homophobia can really affect a person.

Internalised homophobia manifests itself in varying ways that can be linked to mental health. Examples include:

01. Denial of your sexual orientation to yourself and others.

02. Attempts to alter or change your sexual your orientation.

03. Feeling you are never good enough.

04. Engaging in obsessive thinking and/or compulsive behaviours.

05. Under-achievement or even over-achievement as a bid for acceptance.

06. Low self esteem, negative body image.

07. Contempt for the more open or obvious members of the LGBT community.

08. Contempt for those at earlier stages of the coming out process.

09. Denial that homophobia, heterosexism, biphobia or sexism are serious social problems.

10. Contempt for those that are not like ourselves or contempt for those who seem like ourselves. Sometimes distancing by engaging in homophobic behaviours – ridicule, harassment, verbal or physical attacks on other LGB people.

11. Projection of prejudice onto another target group.

12. Becoming psychologically abused or abusive or remaining in an abusive relationship.

13. Attempts to pass as heterosexual, sometimes marrying someone of the other sex to gain social approval or in hope of ‘being cured’.

14. Increased fear and withdrawal from friend and relatives.

15. Shame or depression; defensiveness; anger or bitterness.

16. School truancy or dropping out of school. Also, work place absenteeism or reduced productivity.

17. Continual self-monitoring of one’s behaviours, mannerisms, beliefs, and ideas.

18. Clowning as a way of acting out society’s negative stereotypes.

19. Mistrust and destructive criticism of LGBT community leaders.

20. Reluctance to be around or have concern for children for fear of being seen as a paedophile.

21. Conflicts with the law.

22. Unsafe sexual practices and other destructive risk-taking behaviours-including risk for HIV and other STIs.

23. Separating sex and love, or fear of intimacy. Sometimes low or lack of sexual drive or celibacy.

24. Substance abuse, including drink and drugs.

25. Thinking about suicide, attempting suicide, committing suicide.

In their book, “Pink Therapy”, Davies & Neal (1996) illustrate some examples of how internalised homophobia and oppression may affect gay and bisexual men. Some of these examples include:

Fear of discovery:
where a person may try to hide his sexual orientation from family, friends, work colleagues, etc, by “passing” as straight. He may also “pass” to protect others, i.e. pretending that his partner with whom he lives with is “just a good mate”.

Discomfort with other gay people:
men who prefer not to socialise on the gay scene for fear that they will be seen going to/from those venues despite being comfortable going to gay bars when abroad on holiday, or the man who chooses not to speak to another gay man at work because “he is a bit camp and people may put two and two together”.


Internalised homophobia and oppression can have a huge impact on your mental health, as well as influence your thoughts, feelings, and behaviours.

 

Keep in mind, and it's worth clarifying, it's not only about homophobia. It's about the heteronormative script that is omnipresent as we all develop, and we feel shame when we are not conforming to that script.

Homophobia is only part of the problem. The heteronormative script is equally powerful,