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Meeting Her Family

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by AnnLnn, Jan 9, 2019.

  1. AnnLnn

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    My girlfriend (23) and I (29) have been together for almost seven months. She came out to her family about 6 years ago but they still don't know that she's seeing someone. We live in separate apartments but she often visits her family and her mother often visits her.
    She doesn't talk to her father but that doesn't really matter here. We all live in the same city (in Poland). Because of that I find it odd that she never told them about the fact that she's seeing someone.

    She's a very private person and sometimes it's difficult to communicate with her. She doesn't want to talk about certain things/problems/situations from her past.
    She doesn't like having 'friends' = close friends but at the same time she loves to hang out with people and constantly tries to meet someone new.
    Other than that she's straightforward and very open-minded. I don't even know what to think about it. It doesn't look like she might be too afraid to tell them...

    The situation from three days ago really confuses me as well. Three days ago (Sun.) she decided to hang out with one of my friends because they needed to talk about something... And my friend met her mom... Apparently, my gf quickly introduced my friend as her neighbor and she tried to finish the whole conversation as soon as she could. My friend said that she seemed to be really uncomfortable and as soon as they finished talking to her mom she was irritated but didn't really say anything about this whole situation.
    Her mom on the other hand probably thought that they're dating because she was really friendly towards my friend and tried to continue the conversation).

    My gf once said that she can't imagine dating someone who's still in the closet. Yet she doesn't want to tell her family about her current situation. (Despite the fact that they often see each other.)
    Should I be concerned, or is this normal?
    (I don't know if it's important but she's never dated any guy and her family knows about it as well.)

    How'd you react? Would it be important to you to meet your partner's family?

    Hopefully, you were able to understand everything. My English is still awful. 5
     
  2. Shorthaul

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    Well for starters I think your English is pretty solid.

    As for your girlfriend, maybe she isn't exactly sure what she wants in a lot of areas. She wants to be out going but not really and it sounds like maybe she isn't out to her mother or is not sure how her mother will react to the whole same sex dating thing.

    I would generally want to met a significant other's parents after a few months, just to know if they are nuts or crazy. It might be time to have a serious talk with your girlfriend about what the two of you expect from a relationship.
     
  3. AnnLnn

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    Ok, thanks for your reply. She definitely came out to her family. When we hang out with other people she doesn't seem to care about it either. Her grandma was/is homophobic but that was the reason she decided to come out to her several years ago...
    Her mom took it a whole lot better when she came out and as I said, she wanted to talk to my friend and was VERY friendly towards her. At the same time when my friend asked my gf why she introduced her as her neighbor, my gf said that she didn't want her mom to think that they're together...
    As far as I know her family is generally rather friendly towards other people and not once I heard her talking with them on the phone. (they're really talkative and interested in what's going on in her life)...
    I even thought about internalized homophobia. Who knows. But is it even possible? I mean, as I said her family knows she's gay, our friends... It doesn't look like she has any problem with that.
    At the same time she doesn't want to meet my family either (despite the fact that she was invited.)
    But again, she was really stressed out when she talked to her mom. It's not really a problem for me (I think). I mean, she doesn't introduce me as her friend to the people she knows (thank god), despite the fact that some of them are really surprised when they find out she's not straight. As far as I've noticed she doesn't really care about what they think.
    But I find it really weird that she often visits/talks to them and she never even mentioned anything.
    I can't really talk to her about it right now but at the same time I can't stop thinking about it.
     
  4. AnnLnn

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    ^^ Once, when she finished talking to her mom about her plans for the day, I asked her if her mom knows that she is seeing someone. She only said that it's none of their (her family) business and immediately changed the subject. So... it's not really that easy to talk to her about it.
     
  5. Shorthaul

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    That is kind off odd to me, even if she didn't introduce you as "girl" friends, I would think she would at least introduce you as a friend. I mean even when I talk to my own mom, she asks how a couple of my close friends are doing. My best friend and his wife even stop by my mother's house when they are in town to say hello and I don't live even in the same state as my mom.

    So I really don't know what to say other than it does seem strange that she has no interest in you meeting her family or even meeting your own family.
     
  6. silverhalo

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    Hey I think your English is great.

    It's really difficult to say exactly what is going on but it sounds as though there is definitely something that has happened in your past which now prevents her from being open and honest about it. Have you ever spoken about previous relationships? Has she introduced girlfriends to them in the past? Has she had any previous girlfriends?

    There was just one thing I wanted to clarify when you hang out with friends the friends know you are together or not?

    It sounds a lot as though she has her guard up, with her family, not wanting them to know exactly what is going on in her life and also not wanting to have close friends just acquaintances to hang out with.

    I think it is strange and the fact she doesn't want to talk about it isn't helpful. The big question really is how much it bothers you and how important it is to you. The only thing I would say is, right now it is perhaps not that important, you have been together seven months and whilst most people may be introducing each other's family around now, especially if they live close by, it's not essential. When you are considering how much it bothers you, you may also want to consider how much it will bother you a year or two down the line. Fine obviously there are no guarantees the relationship will still be going but if it is there is probably a point at which is will become a bigger issue than it is right now.

    If you want to try and talk to her about it, I think I might be inclined to try and write a letter or something. Not saying it will work.
     
  7. AnnLnn

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    Ok, thanks.

    As I said earlier:
    ''It's not really a problem for me (I think). I mean, she doesn't introduce me as her friend to the people she knows (thank god), despite the fact that some of them are really surprised when they find out she's not straight. As far as I've noticed she doesn't really care about what they think.''

    Same with my friends. Recently, we went to a business conference together and I introduced her to a group of my coworkers. I thought that maybe I simply didn't notice anything suspicious in her behavior, because I wasn't really paying closer attention to how she reacts whenever I introduce her to someone... But nothing really happened. They just asked how long we've known each other and then they immediately started talking about business-related stuff. :grin: I don't even know what else I expected tbh.

    I TRIED to talk to her (...again...) about this whole situation on Monday...
    I mentioned my friend who accidentally met her mother.
    The conversation was really similar to this one:
    - ''Why did you introduce her as your neighbor?''
    - ''Because if I said that she's my friend my mom would assume that we're in a relationship.''
    - ''Why'd she assume that?''
    - ''Because she did that in the past.'' *Apparently, when she was 17 she used to hang out with a girl (who was also gay) and her mom thought that they're dating. She wanted to meet her as well but my gf didn't introduce her, either...
    - ''Ok, then how would you introduce me; as your neighbor or friend?''
    - ''Why would I do that? I'd tell her how it is... Later on, I'd probably regret it but why would I lie to her?''
    -...

    ... So there's that... I swear to god sometimes she's confusing as hell :grin:
    I also found out that she didn't want to meet with my family because she ''didn't want to be stuck with them in the same room for several hours''... (My mom told me to invite her *for ''Christmas dinner'' for atheists* because they wanted to meet her.) She said that she'd probably have nothing to talk about with them (*we were talking about 2-3hrs*) and she wants to avoid awkward situations with my family at all costs. She doesn't mind meeting them though... When I asked her how long is too long, she said that 5mins max would be ideal for her... :grin:

    I guess I'll just leave this whole situation and see how it goes. As I said, it's not really a problem for me. I mean, I'm dating her so her family doesn't really have any impact on our relationship. She's a really independent person so (hopefully) I don't really have to worry about her breaking up with my just because her family didn't like me...
     
  8. silverhalo

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    Yeah that's true. It definitely feels as though she has had some bad experiences in the past or has some preconceived ideas about how bad it is going to be but I'm sure there is more to it than you are getting. As you say I wouldn't over stress about it. Perhaps if an opportunity arises for you both to call in and met your mum or something but only for 5 mins like she requested you could do It and just see what happens. Maybe if she sees it isn't so bad she will warm to the idea.
     
  9. Kevin k

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    I'm always interested to see what other people's stories of thier partners parents first encounter is. I never had to expirience the usual awkward silent dinner everyone talks about. My boyfriend's parents are never around and don't really care or want anything to do with him, which is kinda sad :frowning2: but I do think it is important to meet the family, especially if you plan on being a part of it someday <3 .best of luck friend.