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Maybe I just need to accept that I am transgender?

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Kelseyk92, Jun 23, 2020.

  1. Kelseyk92

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    I'm going to be 28 soon. I've identified as a butch lesbian for as long as I can remember and I came out when I was about 14 years old, I'm sure that I like women and only women, I've only ever and will only ever fall in love with a woman (even though they are a pain in the a**).

    I've been feeling very unhappy in myself, more so now than ever. When I think about my future AS a woman, I can't picture being a woman and it makes me feel lost, I try to find people I relate to and I can't find anyone. I think I may be trans but for some reason, I cannot accept it, I just can't. I have pushed people away. I've had many opportunities to be in relationships with beautiful women but I have no desire to be loved AS a woman, I feel if I were born a man I would already be married and have children by now. It's gotten so bad that I've given up any hope of love. A woman can be on her knees telling me she loves me and will do anything for me but I will never ever believe it, as bad as that sounds. I have convinced myself that every woman will leave me for a man because I can't get them pregnant (to be fair, I was in love with a female friend who told me that I have to settle down with a man because I'm "getting on" and I need to lay back and take it and I can't bind my body with a woman and make children, so that may have triggered me. She is very unhappy in her relationship, I think she wanted to be with me but I refused and then she attacked me and said me being gay is a choice and it's wrong). I feel so inferior, weak and small. It's torture. I have lots of male friends and get along with my male family members but for some reason, I just feel so jealous and envious of them - the fact that they can be comfortable in their bodies and have a healthy sex life and just be themselves. The jealousy and envy I have for them is unreal. Especially good looking men with girlfriends who lots of girls want and fancy.

    The power that men have, I DESIRE. But I'm wondering if this is because of my former porn addiction? I used to be obsessed with porn, aggressive and violent porn, I would watch straight porn and see myself as the man having a penis and women catering to him and trying to please him. The fact that the woman was giving her body to him and "taking him" to me represents so much POWER, a power that I desire. I cannot even explain it. I know for a woman to "give" herself to a man she doesn't have to love him but I will think to myself (maybe because I know I personally wouldn't like it) "men are so lucky that women give them so much, they must really love the man to do that" a woman will give her body to a man, have his children, carry his last name. It is amazing to me and represents a power I would love to have and I know I never will. It's a desire that I cannot seem to get rid of it. As I previously stated, I have had A LOT of luck with women, but I just have ZERO desire to be loved as a woman. I want to have a son who looks like me to live my dream as I know I could never have that. That's the only reason I would prefer a son. It AMAZES me that there are people who were born men who want to be women, it's something that interests me because I see nothing good about being a woman. So I research that as it makes me feel better. When I have female friends and they talk about how much they love their boyfriends, even if they are complaining about their boyfriends or baby daddies and saying he isn't doing this or that, I feel jealous that he has that power over her to break her heart or let her down. I have friends who say they will do sex acts they don't want to do for their boyfriend to please him and it makes me jealous, even though I'm sure she must some-what like it to do it? for example I know a girl who will do anal and degrading oral sex for her boyfriend and then be in pain and I wish I could have someone love me enough to let me do that? Maybe I am sadistic? The only people I have ever truly related to is straight men.

    Surely I am transgender? Can any trans people relate?
     
  2. ChescaC

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    Is this desire for the power of a man only while in a situation of sexual interactions?
    Do you desire the power of a man during everyday life?

    Have you ever gone out in "Boy Mode"? That is, have you ever gone out dressed in men's clothing, presented as male.
    I know that going out in "Mode" isn't always a factor in leading one to accept oneself as trans, but in the vast number of trans people I know, the act of going out in "Mode" did help the person to accept themselves. If it helps, you can think of it like a 'game' of sorts. Like "masc named persona" is coming to visit(Yes, I am referencing The Danish Girl here, but it helps).

    In fact, I did do this well before I transitioned. There would be nights where "Frankie" would come to visit. Sometimes she'd stay the night, sometimes she'd not. regardless of what happened, up until the night of my suicide attempt, she'd always be gone by the time I had to leave for work. After that night, she'd stay in some small part. More and more would her influence be there. Until finally one night, when she took the reigns at karaoke did I realize that I was Trans. Once that happened, we shared control, until he faded into the background at the end of the week(I still had work, and wanted to give my coworkers a chance to process the news of my transition). Perhaps he will someday become he will return as a performance persona. Only time will tell.
     
  3. Kelseyk92

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    Hi there.Thank you for your response. I always go out in boy mode, well pretty much. I think I may look like a teenage boy because if I go Starbucks teenage girls will giggle, get shy and talk to their friends about me. At work I get told that I look like Elvis a lot.

    Danish Girl was a great movie.

    I think a lot of it has to do with power. I hate being seen as a week submissive girl (who should bend over for a man, like my ex friend used to say), I desire and crave to be loved like a man. The way my female friends love their male partners and give them their bodies and babies and the world. And love them no matter what. It's a way that a man can never love someone. I have had numerous chances with women but I don't want to be loved as a woman, I want to be treated like and loved like a man by a woman. I want her to have my children (again, that's a power thing, I think it's so powerful that a man can get a woman pregnant) and it hurts me that I can never have that. I want to be loved and saved the way my female friends do their boyfriends. Nothing about being a woman is desirable to me. The control that men have is what I truly desire, the dominance of being a man. In every day life, not just sexually. With all due respect. I know you can't help how you feel but I can't believe that anyone would give that up. Obviously people are born transgender because some biological men become women. I don't get how anyone could want to be a woman? I have no desire to get pregnant (although I do want kids), I have no desire to be dominated, degraded and penetrated and pretend I like it to make a man feel like a man. I don't understand it.


    But what is bad is that I'm pushing away love. Will I ever find love? I push women away because I'm scared that I can't give them what a man can. All I dream about it being loved as a man but I'm starting to give up hope because how will I ever let anyone in if I don't feel comfortable in my skin? And I don't know if having a sex change with how it currently works will help. I still can't get a woman pregnant, I still can't ejaculate.
     
  4. Jaylah

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    It sounds to me like you're not aware of the woman's power over man. The way you describe a relationship between a man and a woman you make it sound like the man holds all the power, and I just don't feel like that is true at all.

    Men, good men, not sexist pigs, look up to women. The things men do to impress their women. Women say they don't dress for men, and this sounds unbelievable to a man, since just about everything a man does is to impress the women. Or if in a relationship, impress their woman. Why go through all the effort of getting a high paying job? To impress a woman. Fancy clothes, cool cars? To impress women.
    Men are total peacocks, just instead of showing off with fancy feathers, they try to impress the women through every other means.
    Some have argued that the reason men generally have a better sense of humor and why there are more male comedians than female comedians, is because the chief task in life that a man has to perform is that of impressing the opposite sex.
    Women don't have this same pressure, they already appeal to men.

    As Christopher Hitchens said: "Women, who have the whole male world at their mercy..."

    And speaking of love, you said: "The way my female friends love their male partners and give them their bodies and babies and the world." Well men would go through hell to protect their women. They would die for them. Many do.

    Julio Iglesias has a song called "Vous les femmes" it starts with the following lyrics:

    "Vous les femmes, vous le charme
    Vos sourires nous attirent et nous désarment
    Vous les anges, adorables
    Et nous sommes nous les hommes pauvres diables"

    Basically he is singing how men see women as adorable angels, whose smile completely disarms them, a man is helpless facing the charms of a woman, the poor devil.

    Womanhood is power. It's not as straightforward as men's power, it's a subtler kind of power, but believe me, men are jealous of women and the of the power they have over them.
     
  5. chicodeoro

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    Jaylah speaks a lot of sense there, I would say.

    Kelsey, to answer your original question, (though I'm no expert) from what you've written I think you probably are. What I would say is that gender is a spectrum and finding a place on that spectrum where you feel at ease with yourself is the important thing. Even the most outwardly masculine guy has a tender feminine side lurking somewhere in their psyche.

    To find real love you have to make yourself vulnerable, to be open both to the possibilities but also the potential that you might actually get hurt and feel pain. Men aren't always great at this. Being vulnerable is usually seen as something that's stereotypically feminine, but really it's something that all of us as humans need to embrace. Without it there is no potential for our own growth, and the joy and warmth we experience when we encounter real love.

    Beth
     
  6. Dandygoth

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    Here's my two cents as an afab trans-masculine person (and one who is very recently dealing with the fact that I REALLY REALLY like women and that this is directly tied to my gender identity).

    I read your posts and it does sound like there's a lot of internalized sexism possibly going on, what with the stereotypes of man and woman, and the fear of seeming weak. The porn may have contributed to this.

    But when I look past that and into something deeper, what I actually hear you saying is "I want power," "I want love," "I'm envious of men because they have everything I want." Everyone has their own personal power, and it just seems to me that somewhere in your psyche, YOUR power lies in your manhood and in your desire to express that manhood for women, and you desire to be loved for that expression. Does that make any sense?

    If that's the case, I think it's a strong indication that you should look into transitioning for the sake of your own well-being. If you find that it doesn't feel right after all, you can keep exploring other options for yourself and other ways to express your power and feel loved.

    I feel like I went the weird spiritual route but I hope that makes sense!
     
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  7. Kelseyk92

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    Maybe I feel like that because I like women and not men possibly? in my opinion I've never understood what a woman would want from a man? expect children but that's about it but I personally feel that men get a lot more from women than women do from men, for example a woman births a child and typically that child will carry on their fathers name, she gives up her body. Sexually, a lot of women don't orgasm from sex with men or intercourse so I do feel like a lot of straight women do it to please their men and this has been confirmed a lot of times from straight female friends. I don't understand it. But I don't like men so I will never understand it. I always say I hope I don't have a daughter because I'd end up killing any boyfriend she has (haha I am such a straight man)

    Protection is a rare thing, you rarely need to be protected. In my opinion I think men get A LOT more from women. Every woman I know obsesses over and loves their man even though he is normally useless and no good.

    that's just my opinion. Don't forget I don't like men so obviously I will never ever understand why a straight woman would. I don't mean to offend you


     
  8. Kelseyk92

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    But don't forget perception is everything. I just thinking being loved by a good woman as a man seems like the best gift ever. But I'm sure some MtF people would disagree and would want to be loved by a man. But overall in my opinion a man can not give love like a woman, a woman was literally made to be loving and nurturing

     
  9. Kelseyk92

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    I'm glad that you went the spiritual route because I am quite a spiritual person. I think being friends with straight girls, the way they love their boyfriends amazes me, to give your body to someone and your soul to a person who is most likely unable to give that back to you. I desire it so strongly to be loved like that. I can't relate to women who are like that but I do find their hearts beautiful and I want to be loved like a man. And as bad as this sounds, I also like insecure women who crave mens attention for validation because to me, the fact a man can make a woman feel validated is powerful and because I can't relate to the womans role. It makes me wonder if I'm transgender or am I just a lesbian? the thing is, I see myself in only male roles and only look up to men, when someone says I look like a female celebrity I get offended. But if they say I look like a male celebrity I'm happy, I'm just jealous of men. I even hate straight women for loving men because I am jealous...


     
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  10. Kelseyk92

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    Another thing is, I know I CAN be loved by a woman. Beautiful, stunning, gorgeous women who men would die for have tried to get with me many times but I just don't want to be loved as a woman so I push them away

     
  11. Kelseyk92

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    I’m assuming I must be trans because I’ve heard MTF friends say they couldn’t have sex with a woman because they would be jealous she has a vagina where as I couldn’t be with a man (to be fair I wouldn’t want to be) because I would be jealous that he has a penis. Also The thought of being in a female roll makes my skin crawl and makes me feel uncomfortable. As you can imagine, when my first was saying you need to bend over and take it, I felt sick like a straight man would.
     
  12. ChescaC

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    I could not ever be with a man because I’m repulsed by my own c*ck.
    It does sound like you could be trans.
    You stated on the reply to my previous post that you have “Boy Moded” it before.
    I’d like you to try something:
    Do it for a week. See how you feel.
    Even if it’s just semi boy mode, undies only (and a men’s tank underneath your shirt If you want).
    If you like how you feel, try it for two weeks.
    And then a month.
    Eventually you’ll get to a point where you’re “Boy Moding” full time(something you’d need anyhow for hormones, if you’d go that route).
    Yes I know this sounds a bit daunting, a friend of mine realized he was trans because he did drag and the chest binder gave him a sense of comfort,
    Much with learning a language, immersion is the best way to figure things out
     
  13. Kelseyk92

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    But the thing is I'm always in boy mode. I always wear rock shirts, black trousers and red or light pink men's hoodies or baseball jackets, my full arms and chest are tattooed. I have slicked back short black hair. How more boyish could I possibly get? At work people always ask "Is the girl who looks like Elvis working today?" I do wear makeup for my own confidence level, I wear concealer/HD TV foundation and a bit of mascara (natural looking makeup that men wear on TV). Young girls get shy and giggle when I'm at Starbucks like I stated before. Women flirt with me. I don't know if they think I'm a boy or they're gay? but what else can I do to be boyish????? I mean I could wear a strap on maybe and walk around with it but then it'll look like I've got a continuous boner haha

     
  14. ChescaC

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    Get a Packer.
    Packers give the look but are floppy.
    See how you feel with it.
    If you don’t already have a chest binder, get one.
    Sure if you’re small enough, you could get away with a heavy duty sports bra. But those always leave something of a bump. A binder will flatten you out completely.
    If you feel more complete like that, you very well could be trans.
     
  15. gravechild

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    It sounds like it could be internal sexism, plus being a minority within a minority (butch lesbian) probably adds to that issue. A lot of ignorant straight people say things like "I don't get it: if you're so attracted to butches, why not simply get a man?" or say that they're "trying to be men".

    Yeah, thing about porn is its basically acting. Not real. For some people its an escape, but when you start expecting reality to conform to those standards, you'll find yourself severely disappointed. A lot of young men have relationship issues after heavy use, for example.

    Are there no lesbian communities where you live? Society isn't too kind towards women who don't "serve" men, so it could be beneficial, since you're constantly bombarded by heterosexist messages.

    Or perhaps because you're not attracted to men? :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: In my case, it has more to do with their expectation that having a "male" body means I'll do as men do, when the thought of using my parts that way is a HUGE turn off. Not impossible, but pretty damn close. I've heard even from trans women who are in relationships with cis women that their partners often expect them to fit a certain "male" role, ie protector, and taking a more dominant position in the bedroom.

    When you say "female role", do you mean as in a straight relationship with a man?
     
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  16. Kelseyk92

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    I do feel like I have a lot of internalised sexism, I dislike being a woman, but at the same time, I do feel as though if society changed how they view genders, I wouldn't be as bothered. I don't like the way lesbians seem to not be taken as serious as gay men, possibly because they are women. Like you said, people still believe that women should serve men and in a way we are seen as less than as we are women who like women. My ex friend made me see that people seriously do believe that women should be submissive to men and I hate being associated with that. I'd rather be in the dominant role, I don't see how a straight woman (like my friend) genuinely seems to enjoy being submissive to men and serving men. It's crazy to me. I feel as though if I were a man, I would be taken more serious. It feels as though if a man says he is gay, he is just gay, no questions, if a man says he is transgender, it is what it is, he is transgender and he was born in the wrong body, if a man says he is straight, that's ok, no one will really say "baby boy why don't you get with a real woman, what do you need a man for?" being a lesbian you are constantly asked "why do you like women", "what can you get from a woman?", "you just ain't had good penis", "it's a phase", "don't you want to get married and have kids?" it's so confusing and makes you question yourself even if you know what you are deep down. Society sucks! I really did think that society is changing for the better, but people like that girl I was friends with show me that we still have a long way to go.
     
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  17. Kelseyk92

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    But again, is it normal for a woman to imagine she has a penis like I do? Literally all day I will imagine having a penis and getting oral sex. If a partner tried to give me oral sex as a woman I most likely would not let her, which is possibly why I have turned down NUMEROUS gorgeous beautiful stunning women.

    And no shit, I'm not attracted to men :sweat_smile:

    When I imagine feeling fulfilled, I can only imagine being a man who is loved by a woman. It's really upsetting because I could have a woman telling me she loves me and would do anything for me, but I don't believe her because I'm not a man? Also the fact that I can't get a woman pregnant really depresses me for some reason?
     
  18. Kelseyk92

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    Also people don’t seem to take lesbian sex as serious (possibly because it doesn’t involve serving or pleasing a man) funny because typically lesbians have way more orgasms than straight women. But that’s Also frustrating and makes me want to have a real penis so I can use it on women I’m attracted to and be taken serious

     
  19. gravechild

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    What changes would have to be made for you to feel comfortable?

    You could try asking them to explain to you why they enjoy being submissive (who knows? maybe some really don't), but unless you share that attraction, it won't ever be something you'll be able to relate to. I'm sure they'd draw blank stares if you were to describe what makes you attracted to women, too!

    Grass is greener, right? I've always envied how women (and female bodied folk) were able to experiment with sexuality and gender, while for "us", there were so many restrictions. Once you've bitten the bullet, there is no going back. Its more like a straight jacket, but I do enjoy how taboo it is in comparison (and we certainly receive more attention).

    Our society is so obsessed with penises... its the end all be all. The only "legitimate" form of sex involves a penis, in some people's eyes, and the whole "every bisexual person I've known ended up with men" ties into that. As far as women wanting penises... I can't say. Plenty of women enjoy strap-on play, or wearing packers, but each probably has their own reasons, as well as degree of "necessity" to use those things.

    The whole pregnancy thing is something even many trans men struggle with. If children are something you want, I could see how that would be an issue, but your self-worth shouldn't be measured by who you can or do bring into this world. I do know scientists were experimenting with same-sex reproduction, specifically, two women without help from men, but haven't kept up with those studies.
     
  20. ChescaC

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    There is a whole lot more to being Trans than what I’m about to ask, but the answer to the question can help direct you in that path if you are:
    (Using the pronouns I am here because of your question)
    Do I, Kelseyk92, feel more like a man or a woman?

    if the answer is ‘man’ you very well could be trans.
    If the answer is ‘woman’ you still could be trans, just more effeminate man,
    It’s perfectly okay if the answer is ‘I don’t know”. As up until I had my epiphany, this was the answer of ‘who am I’. I even had had a conversation with an online friend about 3 weeks before I came to accept myself about this very thing.