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Masculine guy, so lost and broken

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by loneboy888, Mar 17, 2018.

  1. loneboy888

    Regular Member

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    First off, I am so thankful I found this site. I need support. I am 21 years old and in college. I am so lonely and detached from life because I just don't know how to feel good or happy. A couple of years ago I was in a long term relationship with a girl (about 2 years). I broke up with her because I just couldn't feel the spark anymore. She didn't make me happy anymore, frankly. I spent a while alone, trying to process my feelings. I have always been infatuated by males physically. For a while I didn't know if it was just admiration vs. sexual attraction. I looked up to guys, and enjoyed looking at them. A smile from a guy felt so much more genuine than a smile from girl. Not sure if that makes sense. When I look back, I realize that I would check guys out (especially there butts). I never felt super close to guys growing up, and always wanted to be a part of a group of guys. I guess feeling rejected turned into an attraction and a desire to be loved and accepted by another man. Over the past year, I decided I wanted to try testing my feelings toward guys. I met up with a guy, and we eventually started dating. But within this past week, the same thing happened. We broke up after a few months of being on and off. It wasn't as much of a confirmation as I was hoping for. I was hoping I would be like "yes, I am gay". But not the case. Guys are beautiful and I am really attracted to their confidence. Ive always felt it easier to be friends with girls. However right now, I am miserably alone. I am pretty masculine, and I don't think I give off stereotypical gay vibes. I don't even know how to have friends because I am so hyperaware of how I think I should act that I don't want to act at all. i wanna be myself but I just don't know who that is or how to find them. I graduate college in 2 months and have no friends to show for it. There is no activity I find enjoyable. I pretty much live alone in my apartment as my roommate is never here. Ever since I met up with a guy and confirmed that the attraction is there to some extent, socializing has been near impossible. I don't even enjoy any activity, show, movie, book, class, anything. I am not even living right now and really need help. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE message me if you relate in any way. I could really use some human connection through this very difficult time in my life.

    -With love,
    loneguy888
     
  2. Chip

    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

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    Hi, and welcome to EC. I think a lot of people have been in your shoes.

    From what you describe, I'd hazard a guess that you're much closer to gay than straight. What I think might be getting in the way is a lack of a sense of worthiness (not believing in yourself or your own worth), and that, in turn, is making you so guarded that you're basically blocking off the feelings of connection. It is also quite possible that you simply haven't found the right guy who really excites you.

    Additionally, if you are depressed (and it sounds like you may be), the depression itself can restrict/reduce your ability to feel emotions associated with love (as well as emotions associated with almost anything else.) So this might be something to explore. While you're in school, most colleges and universities offer a student counseling center where you can see a therapist for little or no cost, and I'd strongly suggest this.

    You might want to take an hour and watch Brené Brown's three TED talks, The Power of Vulnerability, The Price of Invulnerability, and Listening to Shame. This should help you understand more about how worthiness translates to ability to feel and connect with others. If it connects for you, then there's more to talk about in regard to that, but at least this is a start.

    I hope this helps!
     
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  3. pasinhose

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    Well time for some tough love or tough advice. Quit being a wimp. One thing I have really learned is that the biggest obstacle to overcome is yourself. Are you tough enough? Are honest with yourself? It almost seems to me that you want advice here on how to validate from others you are gay or bi. You can only answer that question yourself. You're actually thinking about how everyone else will react other than asking yourself some honest questions. key question: are you afraid of being gay?
     
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  4. loneboy888

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    Honestly, I think I am. You're right. I need to the tough love. Not sure how to get to a place where I am not afraid of it. Also, I have feelings for women romantically sometimes so that confuses me sometimes.
     
  5. pasinhose

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    its a journey. women are fantastic and I love them as they have such an understanding that most men dont. and I say that as a gay man. if you have feelings for both, continue on. you WILL find the right answer one day.
     
    Cassey likes this.