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Married with kids & Gay

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Needhelp3, Feb 25, 2020.

  1. Needhelp3

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    Wow how does this happen..love my family should I stay in the closet ?
     
  2. Mus1cGuy69

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    Hi welcome to EC! Are you out to your wife? Have you had any fun wuth guys? Hope you have a good time here :slight_smile:
     
  3. LostInDaydreams

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    Welcome to EC. :slight_smile:

    You should find people on EC that can relate to your situation. It really does happen.

    I hope you find the support you’re looking for.
     
    #3 LostInDaydreams, Feb 27, 2020
    Last edited: Feb 27, 2020
  4. Needhelp3

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    No not out to my wife.. but when you are married and gay pretty sure the wife knows..
     
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  5. Adz6

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    Not necessarily, I’ve been married over 30 years, I’m deep in closet and wife doesn’t know.
    There are a few married men here that give excellent advice and support
    EC is a great place to start and help you work it out
    I found EC as great support.
     
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  6. JToivonen

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    Not always. My wife had no clue. She didn't see that coming.
     
  7. Nickw

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    Hey @Needhelp3

    Some background on me. I came out to my wife 3 years ago as bisexual. It has been a great experience for me. But, I think I am an outlier. The only tears that were shed were from me. My wife is cool with my sexuality. I have a boyfriend who is part of the family and I remain in a committed marriage with my wife.

    Every situation is different. When I came out to my wife I was not really interested in being intimate with men. At least not beyond the fantasy stage. But, my wife understood I needed to understand what my sexuality meant. So, she, actually, suggested I try some limited intimacy with men. This took a lot of open and honest conversations. It took a lot of reassurance that I would not run off with a man. And, it takes a lot of continual checking in with my wife to be sure she is OK with the way things are going.

    My wife was clueless about my sexuality. I think part of that is that I always had a much higher sex drive than she. It was apparent that I desired her sexually. This also made it easier to come out. We had a LOT of sex right after I came out due to the flood of vulnerability. I think that, in itself, was reassuring to her.

    We each need to decide if coming out is the right thing to do. I couldn’t live with the secret any longer. I was nearly 60. I figured that if I couldn’t tell my life mate this about myself I could not grow past it. But, it was a difficult decision none the less.

    I am interested that you identify both as bisexual and gay. Have you really gotten to the bottom of what your sexuality is? Sometimes we think that identifying as bisexual will ease us into accepting being gay. This can be tough on a spouse. Getting some counseling to explore your sexuality before coming out to your wife might be a good idea. I did this. It was worth answering the hard questions on what I really desired. My wife needed to know that I still desired her.
     
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  8. Needhelp3

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    Definitely need some counseling! Physically I’m attracted to women..love to kiss and hold my wife..

    As far as sex itself goes I love having sex with men..no desire to kiss or cuddle with them but love the sex..

    And I honestly hate it that I feel this way!!
     
  9. Nickw

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    @Needhelp3

    Do you see guys on the down low? P
     
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  10. Needhelp3

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    Yes I guess I did
     
  11. Nickw

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    @Needhelp3

    Before I came out to my wife, I contacted another man to meet for a hookup. I felt I just needed to be with another guy. Just to try it and see. I made all sorts of excuses about my relationship with my wife. I decided it wouldn’t mean anything. I met the guy and we chatted. We made an agreement that we would never disclose this to anyone. That we would honor each other’s discretion. We both started laughing at the absurdity of this. Two guys meeting that were planning on cheating on their wives and making promises to each other. We didn’t go through with it. But, it left me with such a profound feeling of guilt and loss. Guilt that I was THAT guy. Loss because my actions meant that my marriage was not what I pretended it to be. Or, what my wife believed it to be.

    So, I told her what I had done. She was not upset. The openness allowed us to work on the marriage and how to become vulnerable. The trust we built up allowed us to open the marriage for me to experience m2m intimacy on her terms.

    I’ve known a number of other married guys like us. Gay or bisexual and believing us to be in happy marriages. I think what you will find is that you will continue to desire m2m intimacy. You will, eventually, get caught. Hopefully, you won’t catch an STI and give it to your wife.

    I’m not being judgmental here. I understand the dynamics of what got you to where you are. But, what does meeting guys for sex on the side tell you about yourself and your commitment to your wife. Why would you risk everything to be with other men? Do you believe this is fair to your wife?
     
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  12. Needhelp3

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    I’m confused because 100 % no it’s not fair to her..So you not gay/ bi? You met the guy and said no I can’t do this.. that happened to me once as well..
     
  13. Nickw

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    I’m bisexual. I came out to my wife because I cheated even though I didn’t actually do anything. We met for handjobs and bailed because we decided not to cheat. I told my wife. She laughed about what I was trying to do. She didn’t consider it cheating.

    The point is that I considered our marriage to be less important than my need for sexual gratification with another man. That my m2m attractions were strong enough to risk what I thought mattered to me the most.

    Guys like us that cheat on our wives make all sorts of excuses for the behavior. “Only sex” “just relief” “curiosity” etc. I tried them all. The bottom line is that these desires are fundamental to who we are and we need to acknowledge them honestly. If we don’t, we are disrespecting ourselves and our wives.

    I remain married and I have had a boyfriend for 18 months. He is part of the family. My wife adores him. Things sometimes work out when honesty is the goal. But, they never work out when dishonesty rules.
     
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  14. Needhelp3

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    That is true. My wife and I are starting to talk about my sexuality..

    It really hurts to tell her that I enjoy both men and women..

    She assumes that I’m gay
     
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  15. Needhelp3

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    So she is ok you have a boyfriend does she have one as well?
     
  16. Nickw

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    My wife lost her ability to have sexual desire at early menopause. She enjoys romance and non sexual intimacy but sex is something she doesn’t care for that often. It’s part of the reason I started looking at cheating with both men and women. Not proud that I almost went there.

    If she became attracted to another man and it stimulated desire that I can’t provide I wouldn’t have a problem with it. But it would take some openness and we would set up rules like I have.
     
  17. Needhelp3

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    Well I talked to my wife today.. she wants to stay together and she is willing to use toys if I stop seeing guys..

    Thoughts??
     
  18. Highlander2

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    It depends on what it is that makes you feel the desire to be with a man. Is it the physical act of having sex - being penetrated with a toy - that you want or need, or is it the intimacy and warmth with a man.

    I had that offer made to me when I came out to my ex-wife, almost 7 years ago now. We're since divorced and I am getting married to an amazing man later this year, but less about me just now!

    For me it was an incredibly difficult thing. I loved her, we enjoyed good sex (albeit less than I wanted), but always at the back of my mind every now and again this desire raised its head. I'd be fine for weeks at a time, then a really good looking guy would walk past and I'd be attracted to him, and I'd want him. Not just to know what it was like to have sex with a man, but the thought and feeling of smelling his neck and hair, kissing his lips, feeling the strength of his arms, legs and chest, and the warm intimacy of lying in bed with him. And then the feelings would subside, but come back a shorter time again later, and then shorter time and again and again. Until eventually something gave and I made the decision. It wasn't that I didn't love her, but that I felt I had to love myself more. Or I'd go mad with unhappiness at knowing and accepting I wanted to be with a man.

    So toys are fine and if you really truly feel that you love your wife and that toys will be enough, then (and only you know this) stay together.

    But think about it carefully. I knew that I could probably have stayed - nothing would have been the same again, and I would always have felt like I was short changing her. And I still love her, and there are times when I miss her and miss my old life. When things are tough it's usually when I think back to the warm protective cocoon of a life I had before. But then I look at the man I'm marrying, lying next to me and trace the outline of his face and beard and eyes and hair, and feel the weight of his head on my chest and realise that despite everything I knew what I wanted and what would ultimately satisfy my desires and needs.
     
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  19. Nickw

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    My wife and I did a little role playing for awhile. It was more that we would look at a guy we both thought was hot and then I would discuss the fantasies I had of doing something with him. This NEVER worked for us. I'm an in the moment sort of a guy about sex. If I am not totally into the other person and what they are feeling and experiencing I don't care for sex much at all. So, I couldn't stay in character with any role playing. Some people find the opposite...they really love it and find it can build a bond. So, it is worth trying.

    How did your wife respond to your being with other guys?
     
    #19 Nickw, Mar 6, 2020
    Last edited: Mar 6, 2020
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  20. Needhelp3

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    Well she was shocked and hurt. Thinking we were living a lie.
    She wanted to know when I first had the feelings for other men.. I told her the truth in college a girl I was dating like to use toys and I enjoyed it..

    To be honest to this day i still have no desire to Kiss or cuddle with a man but I love the sex..so I do think the toys can work..

    But if I’m totally honest I like sex with men more so am I gay or bi not sure .. But would love to keep my family..