1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Married with kids and questioning my sexuality

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Matty303, Oct 6, 2018.

Thread Tools

Thread Tools

Page 1 of 3
  1. Matty303

    Matty303
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 6, 2018
    Messages:
    30
    Likes Received:
    16
    Location:
    Oh
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Hi out there. I am new to this I have been reading some of the forums and decided to join. I am in my 30's married for 2 years and have young kids. I have recently been in a very depressed state. I think I have known for a long time that I'm interested in the same sex. I think because what happened to me as a young kid that I never would let myself accept it. I believe ( in my mind) I put what happened to me as a kid and being gay/bi as a bad and tragic experience. I recently told my wife of the thoughts and feelings I have been having and oh boy was I emotionally drained afterward. I think we both were. She was so understanding and caring but it's still hard foe me to look her in the eyes. I feel embarrassed and ashamed and I feel like she hates me even though she says she doesn't. I also told my best friend and he was also understanding. But I feel like I'm losing 2 of the most important ppl in life. The confusing part is I have only been with women accept for when I was a child and was forced to until I got old enough to realize what my family member did to me was not normal nor right. But I am attracted to some guys but I have always been attracted to my wife also. It hasn't been til recently that I have no drive to have sex with my wife but urges to be with a guy. Any advice or similar expericies. My wife and I are both lost on what to do.... Thanks in advace
     
    #1 Matty303, Oct 6, 2018
    UMedusa and Jggates like this.
  2. Rade

    Rade
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 9, 2018
    Messages:
    1,180
    Likes Received:
    630
    Location:
    Bedford UK
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hello I'm Rade, I came out this year .
    My ex wife was forced into sexual activity at age 12. She only told me when I came out to her as bi/gay. This still affects her now and when we were together it had an impact on our physical relationship as she got flash backs.
    If you haven't had specific counselling for this, I suggest you do. You will then hopefully be able to leave the awful abuse in the past.
    My ex wife still is my friend, I too felt uncomfortable once she knew. But 6 months later it has become much easier.
    We now do our own thing and coparent our kids. I have been to two LGBT events and made a few new friends. So there is life after coming out.
    I really feel for you and you both need time to process what's happened. My ex was ok then really mad and angry, now ok so it takes time.
    Rade
     
    #2 Rade, Oct 6, 2018
    weary, UMedusa and Hugh like this.
  3. Matty303

    Matty303
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 6, 2018
    Messages:
    30
    Likes Received:
    16
    Location:
    Oh
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Thanks for the advice. My wife also thinks I should seek professional help but I'm terrified. I feel like if I open up about this and get counseling or see a therapist that It would bring out more. Even though I know I should. I don't talk to my uncle that did what he did there has been times where he has tried to approach me and it never turns out good because I still have so much hate towards him. So I understand where your ex wife was coming from. Thanks again for responding. I'm in a small town and I know no one with any type of situation I'm in let alone being married and attractive to men at least if they are they are still holding it in as well....
     
    #3 Matty303, Oct 6, 2018
  4. Rade

    Rade
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 9, 2018
    Messages:
    1,180
    Likes Received:
    630
    Location:
    Bedford UK
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    My ex wife is also terrified to seek help. Our daughter turned 12 a year ago which was the age my ex was abused . This caused more flash backs. Not being crude but she could be in the mood for sex and then suddenly she would turn stone cold.
    I think before you and your wife make any decisions it would be worth seeking help.
    My ex has a new boyfriend now and it is likely she will have further flashbacks.
    You have made such progress being open with your wife . That is the biggest hurdle and you have done this. You also joined this forum. There are many kind people here who will offer you support.
    Warm regards
    Rade
     
    #4 Rade, Oct 6, 2018
    weary likes this.
  5. Lgbtqpride

    Lgbtqpride
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 3, 2018
    Messages:
    283
    Likes Received:
    65
    Location:
    Earth
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Do you still want to stay faithful to her?

    Which do you prefer more?man or woman?
     
    #5 Lgbtqpride, Nov 3, 2018
  6. Hugh

    Hugh
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 19, 2008
    Messages:
    137
    Likes Received:
    52
    Location:
    Northamptonshire, UK
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I have been fighting with this for years and the desire to come out publicly while keeping quiet about it has been both frustrating and upsetting. In keeping quiet to those who most have a right to know, I feel I have been respectful if their feelings. But maybe it's just cowardice and it's my feelings I'm worried about. In coming out on line, I have simply told thousands of people who don't know me and don't really care. Coming out is a minefield and everyone's case is different so, yes, take serious qualified advice. And be sure that your understanding of your own sexuality is clear before you jump. You must try to limit any potential damage. We will all have a view and many of us may be quite wrong.
     
    #6 Hugh, Nov 3, 2018
  7. Matty303

    Matty303
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 6, 2018
    Messages:
    30
    Likes Received:
    16
    Location:
    Oh
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    A few people

    I do but there is still this strong urge that I feel I need to explore... I'm torn and at war with myself yet again! Well I guess I never stopped being at war with myself. I've been trying to find people of the lgbt community close by to communicate with and start some friendships but it's difficult and tricky because I feel like I am cheating. I have not done anything with anyone else or meet with anyone but I still feel horrible about it. But I need a better understanding of myself. And I have never been with a man besides what happened to me as a child so idk. I believe this is a huge part of the problem, the uncertainty and the not knowing... But like I said I have a strong urge that I am fighting daily to want to be sexual with a guy
     
    #7 Matty303, Nov 4, 2018
    Last edited: Nov 4, 2018
  8. Matty303

    Matty303
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 6, 2018
    Messages:
    30
    Likes Received:
    16
    Location:
    Oh
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    A few people


    I totally understand where you coming. I just feel like what ever choice I make i will damage so much. And to be honest at this point it just seems easier to just be alone and raise kids and maybe live a life after they are adults. I don't want to give in to my urges and at the same time that's all I want to do! But I also don't want to hurt people in the process of me figuring these out if that make sense.
     
    #8 Matty303, Nov 4, 2018
    Hugh likes this.
  9. Hugh

    Hugh
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 19, 2008
    Messages:
    137
    Likes Received:
    52
    Location:
    Northamptonshire, UK
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    My dilemma was the same, spent many years as a single parent getting what enjoyment I could through Gaydar or Out Everywhere and never coming out to anyone. My kids are grown up now but still my kids and, still, I am scared of hurting them or, worse, alienating them. I think, probably, it's better to deal with it while they are young enough to adjust. I don't think there is a right way. Just a better way. If you come to a conclusion, please let me know
     
    #9 Hugh, Nov 4, 2018
    UMedusa likes this.
  10. Rade

    Rade
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 9, 2018
    Messages:
    1,180
    Likes Received:
    630
    Location:
    Bedford UK
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Well my 3 kids are 13 and under....I have taken the plunge and it's scarey to say the least. They don't know I'm gay ...I don't think I will find a partner any time soon... In part of my local LGBT someone is hosting a sex party but I don't feel ready for that yet....lol....I would rather be with one experienced guy who can guide and show me and help me learn sexual stuff with a guy . But my kids come first but if I wait till they are all grown up I will be pushing 55 and yeah that's not old but my ok looks will long be gone by then...lol...though I run regular and am trying to take better care of myself...
     
    #10 Rade, Nov 4, 2018
    UMedusa likes this.
  11. Hugh

    Hugh
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 19, 2008
    Messages:
    137
    Likes Received:
    52
    Location:
    Northamptonshire, UK
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I had quiet little affairs with men for many years, telling myself it was just a rebellion and that I wasn't actually gay. The lies we tell ourselves! But now, yes, the looks have gone, though not the passion. Sad! I can't see myself in a steady relationship with a guy anytime soon so the urgency of coming out is, perhaps less. Perhaps coming out just isn't that necessary? Or is that a silly comment?
     
    #11 Hugh, Nov 4, 2018
    UMedusa likes this.
  12. Rade

    Rade
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 9, 2018
    Messages:
    1,180
    Likes Received:
    630
    Location:
    Bedford UK
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hi Hugh
    It depends on the situation. I've lost everything by coming out. But I've gained some freedom at the same time. If your happy with the set up you have keep with it. My ex has a boyfriend, she deserves the straight guy and I can see their love is flourishing . We were together 20 yrs. It was right to end it . I'm not in love with her but it's weird seeing her with him and I need time to adjust....I'm still emotionally attached..it's hard. Once I've moved I'm hoping i will be ok. Go with what makes you happy Hugh. I'm not sure what makes me happy I'm 43 going to live alone again like I was at 23....it's just sad ...
     
    #12 Rade, Nov 4, 2018
    Last edited: Nov 4, 2018
    UMedusa likes this.
  13. Lgbtqpride

    Lgbtqpride
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 3, 2018
    Messages:
    283
    Likes Received:
    65
    Location:
    Earth
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I think you should follow your heart, just try it with a guy.Maybe you are not bisexual,
    you are just gay.
     
    #13 Lgbtqpride, Nov 5, 2018
    Rade likes this.
  14. Matty303

    Matty303
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 6, 2018
    Messages:
    30
    Likes Received:
    16
    Location:
    Oh
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    A few people
    So... Today I took a big step and told my mom about my attraction to the same sex it was draining. But she knew something was going on in my marriage just not what exactly. She was very open minded and told me she loves me no matter what and I should do what makes me happy. During our talk I also told her about what happened with my uncle (sick bastard) and she told me that he did the same thing to my younger brother, I think I cried more for him than I did for myself because I wish I was the brother for him that he could have came to me, our relationship probably would have been stronger. Point is at the beginning of this journey I didn't think it was important for anyone to know except for the ones I share a household life with, boy was I wrong. I feel like a brick house has been lifted off my shoulders. I feel so grateful for my mom right now and she was probably the one I needed to know the most! My journey in figuring myself out is long from over but I am glad I came to e.c. everyone on here are awesome, I wish we were all in the same area to do monthly meetings and story telling in person because you all seem like amazing people I would love to get to know. I could not have gotten as far as I did without each and every person and their stories I read. I am very grateful for e.c. Thank you all so much!!!
     
    #14 Matty303, Nov 7, 2018
    Last edited: Nov 7, 2018
    Rade, Jggates and UMedusa like this.
  15. Lgbtqpride

    Lgbtqpride
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 3, 2018
    Messages:
    283
    Likes Received:
    65
    Location:
    Earth
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Your mum had a beautiful soul.There is no difference between same gender love and opposite gender love,it is just a human falling in love with another human.Homophobes are just sexist people,they discriminiate base on a human's gender.
     
    #15 Lgbtqpride, Nov 8, 2018
    Rade likes this.
  16. Rade

    Rade
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 9, 2018
    Messages:
    1,180
    Likes Received:
    630
    Location:
    Bedford UK
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I wouldn't normally write this but your uncle like you say is a sick bastard.....
    Sorry for my bad language but abuse fucks people up for many years, including my ex wife. Whoever abused her, he was a sick bastard too.....she still gets flash backs at age 38, disgusting....
    On a positive note how amazing to come out too your mum. This is a massive step forward. Mums can be amazing, my mum suprised me and backed me 100 percent when I came out this year...your on your journey now...well done....
     
    #16 Rade, Nov 8, 2018
    Last edited: Nov 8, 2018
  17. Nic2552

    Nic2552
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 24, 2018
    Messages:
    185
    Likes Received:
    116
    Location:
    California
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone

    What happened to you as a child, if you mind me asking? Did that make you question yourself??
     
    #17 Nic2552, Nov 9, 2018
  18. Matty303

    Matty303
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 6, 2018
    Messages:
    30
    Likes Received:
    16
    Location:
    Oh
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Waking up, everything hurts! Why? Because I spent the night on my mom's couch. Idk what is to come. All I know is I tried to not want to act on my urges and even though I did not, I want to and I had to be honest with my wife. It's killing me that it's killing her. I feel like crap because she thinks I just want to throw her away (her words not mines) and that's not the case... I wish I could find a better way to explain things to her so she could understand. It seems like it was the wrong thing for me to unburden myself and make her miserable. It would be so much easier if I just didn't care but I do care about her and my intentions were never to hurt her like I'm doing...
     
    #18 Matty303, Nov 9, 2018
  19. Matty303

    Matty303
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 6, 2018
    Messages:
    30
    Likes Received:
    16
    Location:
    Oh
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    A few people
    My uncle did things to me and had me do things to him. I'm just finding out he did the same to my brother. I don't think so.... I do think it made me bury this part of me deep down because I was putting what he did to me with being attracted to the same sex. If that makes sense
     
    #19 Matty303, Nov 9, 2018
  20. Rade

    Rade
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 9, 2018
    Messages:
    1,180
    Likes Received:
    630
    Location:
    Bedford UK
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    What do you want Matty for your future?? My ex wife was hurting bad, then she hurt me by getting a boyfriend lol...on a serious note do you want to stay with your wife?
     
    #20 Rade, Nov 9, 2018
(You must log in or sign up to post here.)
Page 1 of 3