Married, older and trying to figure out orientation

With your situation, I can absolutely see why there would be a combination of attachment and trauma issues that could be interfering with getting a clear picture. Trauma by a male perpetrator can absolutely (seems to be for women slightly more than men, but either) create problems with attraction (but not orientation) and can really complicate figuring out where someone is on the spectrum.

Interestingly, the comment you made above about bisexuality sometimes having roots in those sorts of traumas is the thing the "pray away the gay" folks cling onto for dear life when claiming that sexual orientation can be changed. From the studies out there that I've seen, the very few people who seem to have successfully changed their sexual orientation are almost always ones where there was some sort of severe sexual or physical trauma perpetrated by an opposite-sex person.

So when you process and resolve that trauma, whatever the underlying sexual orientation, when not influenced by fear, emerges. It's one of those 'just-enough-truth' situations that gives those that run those programs something to hang their hat on. But of course, these people were never really gay or bi in the first place, and careful evalation prior to treatment would have revealed that. And this, in turn, makes life hell for people who are genuinely bisexual, because between this and the 'bridge identities' people adopt while coming out and trying to accept themselves, many people just assume bisexuality is a phase, when it is not.

In the OP's case, I'm not seeing, from what the OP has described, anything that would point in the direction of attachment-related issues that would be severe enough to cause the sort of experience the OP is describing (strong same-sex bond, and something that made his wife question his sexual orientation a number of years ago). And I am seeing a lot that points in the direction of same-sex attraction. Of course, we can't rule out bisexuality, but what I hear the OP saying is that he feels a very strong emotional bond with his male friend that he has not felt before. And that would (absent other contradicting info) likely point in the direction of homosexuality rather than bisexuality.

 

I absolutely believe that orientation is on a continuum. And it appears that most people cluster toward one end or the other, with fewer in the middle, but of course, it is a continuum with people all over.

Where it gets really complicated and nuanced is when we are looking at someone who is questioning their orientation who also has exposure to sexual trauma, abuse, etc., or even non-sexual violence of certain types. It is not that orientation changes per se, but there is pretty solid data to suggest that a perpetrator of violence or trauma, at a relatively early stage of life, can basically create a fear in someone that is so great that, unconsciously and consciously, they will avoid people of that sex. This is most commonly seen with women who have traumatic experiences from men, but it can happen to anyone, male or female, with a perpetrator of either sex.

So what happens is, these people are fearful of someone of the opposite sex, and in some cases, this pushes them toward the same sex. The reverse can happen as well. But in either case, this isn't an actual change in orientation; it is more a seeking out of people who are safe. And, further clouding things, people exposed to trauma usually have some form of PTSD or PTSD-like symptoms, which tend to numb emotions, making it even more complicated, because in those cases, they may not even know or understand who they have attraction to.

It's actually a lot more complicated and nuanced even than that, but that's about the best short description I can come up with.

So in your case (but likely not in the OP's case), it will make sense to unpack whatever attachment/bonding failures there are, and the impact of those not on sexual orientation, but on attunement and connection, which are part of attraction to others. And then look at the traumatic issues (if they are different from the attachment issues with the caregiving parent(s)) and see what's going on there. And when those are unpacked, it will likely be a whole lot easier to understand where your real orientation lies... keeping in mind that it has never changed, but it may have been obfuscated by the traumas and bonding failures.

I hope that helps.

 

I'm really glad it was helpful!!