Hi everyone, thanks ahead for your support. I’m at a real loss. I don’t even know where to start. I’m a mom of 2 and married to my husband, my best friend for almost 11 years. We have a beautiful family and life together. I have always considered myself bisexual, and my husband knows this. Before we got together I had a relationship with a girl that I consider significant, as well as a handful of trysts with women. For various reasons and to make a long story short, I’m realizing now, 15 years and what seems like a lifetime later, part of the reason it was easy for me to run from that relationship was because I was scared of being completely out with her. For the past few years, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about women - some women I’m attracted to, the idea of being with a woman... My attraction to women has always been around, like since I was a child, but it’s been very strong as of late. When I’m out, I’m checking out women. I hate it because I feel terribly guilty. I love my husband and I’m really just looking for coping mechanisms as I’m not interested in having an affair or getting a divorce. We have a healthy sex life, but I am often not there mentally, if I’m being completely honest with myself. I don’t know what to make of all this. It’s not that I’m no longer attracted to my husband. Maybe I am just longing female companionship and confusing that with sexual desire. Or, with this recent realization about my subconscious fear, have I actually been repressing my attraction to women and now it’s unleashed itself and is tearing me up? Because yes, this is starting to depress me and become increasingly distracting and distressing. I’m reaching out to see if anyone else is experiencing a similar situation, or has some advice. I guess just ways to work through it.
It sounds like there are a couple of things going on. You don't feel as satisfied as you want to be by having sex with your husband, and you are in conflict with your sexuality. The first one might just come down to a conversation with your husband about it. Tell him what you aren't getting. It sounds like he is supportive of who you are. How do you think he would respond to finding out you aren't as pleased by sex as you want to be? You mentioned that your husband knows that you are bi, but does anyone else? You're out to him, but is that enough for you? Does it still feel like you're in the closet even though he knows? What else could be causing you to feel like your sexuality is being repressed?
Welcome to EC. You're not alone in this situation. If you pop over to the Later in Life section you will find lots of people who either are or have been in a similar situation. I'm in a long-term relationship with a man, we have young daughter, and I started questioning my sexuality about three years ago. I'm still sorting through how to move forwards. Try to separate your feelings about your relationship from your feelings around your sexuality. How do you feel about both as separate things? What does your ideal outcome look like? What are your priorities? Can you be happy as things stand? What needs to change? What are your options? Take some time to think things through. There's no rush. Small steps.
Thank you for your reply! As far as my sexual satisfaction: I really don't know what I can say to my husband in order to fix this problem. He is a good lover. He is giving and I always "finish" - that is, with oral contact. What I feel like I need is sex with a woman, which he will never be able to provide. I think if I told him about how I've been feeling, he would be hurt and also at his wits end. Yes, he knows about my attraction to and experience with women. But, it's been so long since we've talked about it sincerely, I don't know that he realizes I am still that person. I have a handful of close girlfriends that know, and anyone who's known me long enough knows that I had a serious girlfriend once upon a time. But I definitely feel like I am in the closet. When I was with my girlfriend, I told my mother about it, and she seemed accepting. But, I remember having a concert once (I'm a musician) and she was bothered that my girlfriend came. She said something along the lines of "not appreciating" that she was there. Which was weird to me because my mother is pretty liberal and progressive, but it was clear that she was uncomfortable. In retrospect, I think this spooked me and I realize I was never comfortable with the idea of letting my entire family know. There are no (out) gay people in my family and though everyone is pretty cool, homosexuality is not something that is talked about or embraced with open arms. As I've gotten older, I've realized that I was terrified of being in an openly gay relationship and I may have chosen to repress myself. I don't really know.
Thank you for your response and tip, I will definitely peruse the "Later in Life" section of this site. My husband and I have a wonderful partnership and I see him as my best friend. We have achieved a lot in terms of building a life together and we share similar goals, work ethics, and views of the world. We also have two beautiful children and are on the same page when it comes to raising them and parenting. There is literally nothing problematic about our relationship, except for the fact that I'm constantly fantasizing about women. When it comes to my feelings about my sexuality, I am just confused. I've been thinking a lot about my past experiences with women and I wonder if I made a choice to stop seeing women because I was scared. When I broke up with my girlfriend, a long time ago, it was because she was incredibly insecure and I found that to be very unattractive. Because of who I am, I just cannot be with an insecure person. But, I made the mistake of assuming that that was what it was like to date ANY woman. Now I wonder if I convinced myself of that because I was petrified of being out in a gay relationship (see my reply to the LostInDayDreams above). As for your other questions, my ideal outcome - this goes away and nothing changes. My priorities are my family and career - I do not want to disrupt my home life and children. I'm not sure if I can be totally happy with these feelings kind of terrorizing me. But maybe that's just my burden to bare? My options look bleak - as if I do anything, someone will be deeply hurt.
Do you feel that this is going to go away? I can relate to feeling like there are no possible good outcomes. It's slightly different for me because I have no attraction, etc. towards my partner and our relationship hasn't been a good place for a while. Do you think you'd feel better if you were more "out"? If you spoke to your husband and joined an LGBT group, for example, would that help?
I really don’t know. It’s a haunting thing that comes and goes. I don’t necessarily believe there is an actual solution, it’s just a challenge that I’m stuck with. I think I may try to find the nerve to at least “remind” him that I am the same person I’ve always been, e.g., attracted to both men and women. Maybe there is relief in being honest.
Hiya, I understand where you and the other posters here are coming from, and it really is a difficult situation. Not being desperate enough about your sexuality to just want to abandon your current life, but at the same time just having that nagging feeling that maybe something is missing. I think that my situation is a little closer to LostInDaydreams, as I have a few problems in my current relationship which need straightening out one way or the other, but I feel that gay thoughts do get in the way sometimes and that maybe I am obsessing over them as an escape from the reality that my marriage is not what it once was or where I would like it to be, and that being married to a more accepting an adventurous woman would allow me to be "out" more and free of the dreaded closet whilst enjoy my heterosexual relationship and family. As it is, I want to be intimate and have a great marriage and family life, but I feel that my partner is seriously stuck in her ways, and to be honest not in love with me anymore since a child came into our lives, and all of her affection and love goes in that direction...leaving me pining for what I used to have and escaping the reality of that situation by having thoughts about, and relationships with, members of the same sex. It's just something I am beginning to work through, to give it a massive push to see if I can get some of that old relationship back while striving for a great family life...if one day we both realise that it's futile, then we can decide what to do then, and I can decide to either find that elusive open and accepting (maybe bisexual) female partner, or maybe try leading a gay life for a bit to see how it fits.
Try not to get depressed. You sound like a great person, honest, caring and genuinely concerned about things. We are all here to share anecdotal tales of our lives, and that on its own provides the support and affirmation that people like you and me are far from alone...and that should bring you some relief and comfort.
If you're feeling trapped, then I think it will be a relief. Then you can reassess how you feel about everything else.
First of all, that's such a tough situation to be in, I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I can tell you love your husband very much, but even though I know telling him how you are feeling will be difficult, I think you really need to because you deserve to be happy too, and since he loves you he would want that. I don't know whether this would work for you but if you want to stay with your husband would he consider opening up your relationship? Are you just craving a woman sexually or are you wanting a full romantic relationship? Or do you feel that you and your husband are no longer compatible and you want to move on? The important thing to remember in all this is there is a solution, so no matter how depressed you are feeling right now there is a way to fix this and get you back to being happy again. And you deserve to be happy.
this is great advice. my marriage is conflicted for other reasons. we have decided to work through those first then possibly open our marriage. However, for over four years we have discussed this and it seems like more conflicts have arisen. We have a deep love for one another, and some of these circumstances are out of our control. i fully believe we must work on us first.. i also believe that my husband has become much more understanding of what it means to me. but will the timing ever be right? would another woman feel uneasy being with a married woman? is that just fulfilling some bs stereotype about bisexuals being sluts or wanting it all? so many thoughts...
Well, as a bisexual woman, I can't speak for all bi girls, but I can say that such an arrangement would be fine with me, assuming I loved the woman and the man, but I'm sure for some people they wouldn't have to love both and could just be one of the couples' partner. The thing about bisexuals and stereotypes is the ASSUMPTION that ALL bisexuals want a relationship like that or are only into that kind of a relationship.That assumption is a stereotype because it is incorrect. Plenty of bisexuals would NOT be into that, but SOME are. Does that mean I and other people who would be okay with this are fulfilling a stereotype? Maybe. But the point is people will stereotype about anything. And if you are just being you, doing what you makes you happy then I don't think it matters. People can be immature and think what they like as far as I'm concerned, it doesn't effect me. All that to say, there are bi people who are fine with this arrangement, heck if you're only looking for a second partner for yourself you could probably find a lesbian who would be up for it.
yes! i hear that. people do stereotype everything, letting go of the worry feels so good. when my husband and i first discussed my sexuality it was all over the place. he assumed i immediately wanted something or someone else, and at the time it was just about being able to say it aloud, realizing even to myself that i finally had this realization. the conversations were fueled by some emotional stuff from his passed, and i understood why but also have remained strong in knowing that wasn’t my weight to carry- but it made me worry he would resent me, maybe even forever. then he was almost angrily talking about leveling the playing field, even though i had never expressed interest in being non monogamous, he was assuming i wanted to.. and maybe he wasn’t wrong.. we discussed if i had an opportunity to be with women, why shouldn’t he!? we talked about it not being the same as being with someone who couldn’t offer what i could.. like what is fair? if i was with a woman, he could be with a man? (does this make sense?) at the time he said he’d never consider wanting that, but if i could be with another woman so should he be able to- and there was anger or resentment in his town. it was all so fresh, and i had recently spent a week hiking the pacific northwest with a dear friend, who was also bisexual.. i am a very honest person, maybe to a fault, but in the back of his mind i could see he wasn’t sure about it all. he also discussed it needing to be mutual, like if i was with a woman, she must like him too... this wasn’t just one discussion, but many, over time. i think i hurried myself in working hard and staying busy, but my desire has only grown. our marriage has grown so much too. fast forward to now, a few years later and he occasionally throws out there, “i wouldn’t mind if you wanted to be woth a woman”... but i always wonder if he’d ever be able to look at me the same again. he says too bad you can’t just have a girlfriend out of town, a casual thing or something not too emotional... but these are all his ideas. i don’t even know where to start! sorry to write so much, i’ve been holding this all in for so long.
Hey don't worry! This site is made for talking about this kind of stuff. If your husband loves you, which it sounds like he does, he won't resent you or judge you for being yourself and being honest with him. Telling him what you need was not only necessary for your happiness and peace of mind, but it was admirable. So many people lie and cheat and sneak around and that's not right to anyone. I am sure this idea of you being interested in other women is just new to him. He will get used to it in time.
thank you! yes, he has really opened up in the four or five years since i told him. and i have spent time healing some old traumas and growing as a person who is not just mom or wife and feel in auch a better head space then when it all came out, i came out... honestly, i even told him about joining a forum, and he was really happy for me to find a community.
T That's great! Have you considered trying to connect with other queer women in your area in real life?
that is a good idea, and sort of where my fear of living out the dreaded bisexual stereotype comes into play.. we live in a smallish town and are kind of well know around here, and lots of people we barely know are always telling me how much they admire our partnership or marriage... so even the few queer women or people i know assume our marriage is my everything.. and i’m pretty awkward about coming out again and again.. but i guess we all have to do it. our town has a pretty large lgbtqa... community for it’s size but recently a religious group has started buying up properties in our arts and club area, most recently they bought the longest running gay bar in town. they are using the spaces as mick start-ups, even masking some as coffee shops... which are run as non profit extensions of their church! it is a weird time to be queer here, but also maybe the best time to show solidarity. the other thing is that being well known are kids are also well known, and active in the art community... my oldest knows i am bisexual and the other two know all about different identities and sexualities, but i may have to at the very least come out to them first. i recently made a post about this in the “coming out” forum... we always have talked about going to pride- maybe this is the year!?
i feel so much of what you are saying, can i ask if you have any activities that you do just for you? i was so lost and confused when my feelings became harder to suppress, and i realized that before i could do anything involving anyone else, including my husband (such as changing our relationship dynamic in any way) i needed to work on myself first. and honestly, my first step was to work harder and stay busy... which was exactly the wrong thing to do! a distraction that not only pushed me further from my truth but also made me feel more resentment in my marriage... so i started making time for friends, sometimes once a week, sometimes it meant sitting in the parking lot and making a phone call to catch up before going into the store (in the age of texting this felt so good!) and sometimes once a month... i didn’t realize how much of myself i was missing, and how much we need our friends (i am going to find a great article i read about the importance of having women friends) after hitting a really tough spot with my health i ended up seeing a counselor to cope with lifestyle changes, and we really click. i now recommend everyone to find a counselor that they can relate to. i’ve never even talked woh her specifically about my sexuality yet, but being able to work through stuff has really helped me grow so much as a person and understand and appreciate my whole self! then i signed up for some one time craft-ins, work shops with local artists and crafts people (mostly women) and realized (all though i may not be an expert artist) and eventually a ten week art program and it feels amazing to have something that is just for me and not for work, not for my husband or kids... i didn’t realize how beneficial these little changes could be, but it has changed my life and ultimately how i view myself and my sexuality.
