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Married man seeking advice

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Inspector1, Mar 15, 2008.

  1. Inspector1

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    If there was even a chance of this, it would be my first thing I would do. One of the reasons I want to do this behind her back is because she is very religious and she does not support gays/lesbians. I would much rather she didn't know about this. I know this is cheating and I know I will have to live with the guilt if I do this. It is not a decision I make lightly.
     
  2. sexyalex

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    shake my hand Ramma :grin:

    i agree and that's what i was going to say. i know everyone has their own opinion however i mean i wouldn't consider it cheating on ur wife.

    i am doing psychology now in high school and it is a proven fact that 90% of humans learn through cognitive rote. if u don't experament u will always feel burning to know and ur ignorance will amuse you more and more. If u experament (rememebr it's not a sure fact ur bisexual or gay it's just a feeling or fantasy) then through ur experament u will figure well...i did liked this..or...i didn't like this.

    U said earlier also it's a physical attraction and hence through appearance. ALL men and i repeat that ALL men have or will have a physical attraction for men at least once in their life. (well once u have have matured in or passed adolacense) however, some resort to likeing men and some resort to being very secure ans saying well i am gay or i am straight (who knows maybe the physical attraction is you wanting to be like these guys) :dry:

    so i never said it before but i am going to say it now...it's ur body, ur opertunity, ur life ur choice and my opinion is to experment so u can learn.


    PS- no matter how much women say they love u and blah blah blah i have never heard of a girl "not cheating" on her lover. i think the world would be a better place if most of us had open relationships :dry:
    it's a proven fact....i study "feminin sociology" and 75% of the harmones in my body are Estrogen :dry: at least i would think so.....
     
  3. sexyalex

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    awuuuh that's cute...

    u married a church girl :grin: chior girl i bet :lol: jk jk jk jk i shouldn't have said that...but still...

    she does not support homosexuality "gays/lesbians" as u said...ur presumption is of bi-sexuality right? :wink:
     
  4. Inspector1

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    Yes if i had to take a guess at how I will feel after I do this it would be as a bisexual man. Thats just my gut feeling, I won't know until I do it. Yes my wife is a "good church girl" and she is a wonderful wife and mom but she would never support me in this. Its unfortunate but all my attempts to get her to be more accepting of gays and lesbians over the years has been in vain.
     
  5. Inspector1

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    Thank you for the support. I glad you understand how I feel.
     
  6. sexyalex

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    ur welcome...i just hope it all turns out for the best. :slight_smile:
    ......my mom used to be homophobic till i told her i was metrosexual :eusa_liar
    i wonder what ur wife would say if u told her u wanted to vontinteer as a youth councilor and u told her u had a case of a homosexual boy....:grin: (i can see the "evil glear" as martin would say already in her eyes)
     
  7. Jim1454

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    I have to disagree with most of what you've said here...

    If having sex with someone else and lying about it to cover it up isn't cheating, I'd like to know what is? Marriage is about being honest and faithful. I wasn't - and it tore me up inside. It practically drove me crazy - because it was contrary to my own values.

    I agree that you can only know for sure once you've tried something. But there is an intellectual aspect to this too. People can KNOW that they don't want to swim with sharks without actually swimming with sharks. Similarly, people can KNOW (or at least be fairly certain) that they'd enjoy scuba diving in the tropics without ever actually doing it. But that knowledge prompts them to take certain steps to enable them to try it... like taking lessons, booking a vacation, etc. I wouldn't suggest that Inspector1 NEVER try this - but that he should take certain steps in advance. Because just as in scuba diving without the necessary prep work - what he does next might have disasterous results.

    You've actually asked ALL men this question, have you? I'm not sure I understand what you mean with this statement. We're not talking about thinking "Hey, that guy has a nice sweater on." or "I like his hair." We're talking about "I really want to get naked and have sex with another man." I'm quite certain ALL men haven't had those thoughts. But then again, I haven't asked them.

    So, regardless of the people that he hurts, and the consequences of that, he should just 'go for it' should he? As a young person, it's easy for you to say that. You don't have responsibilities to other people. But when you're married with kids, you've given up the right to make certain 'choices' - as far as I'm concerned.

    I'm sorry that you don't know of ANY women that haven't cheated on their lover. I'm not sure I can name ANY that HAVE cheated. The rest of the world doesn't necessarily conform to your own experiences.

    I stand by my suggestion that Inspector1 would be well served to find a counsellor that could help him work through this crisis and help him arrive at a well thought out decision. I know too well about the quality of decisions we make when we're confused and horny.
     
  8. Inspector1

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    As I've said to you before, you are like my conscious in all this. I'm right of the edge and I'm so close to jumping off. The answer SHOULD be obvious to me. I should seek help and stay faithful to my wife. It seems so easy when i say it but its anything but easy. I am really torn right now and I just don't know what I will do. :icon_sad:
     
  9. sexyalex

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    pfft! do u actually think swimmin with sharks would be appealing to anyone after hearing soo many stories of bad experiences with swimming with them? i have never heard of anyone saying anything bad about having sex with a guy other than "sterotypicaly" that guy men are sinners :dry: as if we all arn't.

    sooo...who said anythign about scrutanizing men...i said even if they are to just want to be like these men; dons't have to be i want to have sex with that guy.

    ooooooooooooooooh...intresting :eusa_eh: so marrige is like being inprisoned...u are deprived of certain rights as a human...well at least ur right baout one thing, he has responsibilities.....BUT him expermenting with another man is not breaching any risponsibility he is expected to uphold to his children. children need a father figure and someone to take care and nurture them emotionaly, educationaly, financially and the works...lets just say this man was bisexual how does that affect his love for his responsibilities for his children. secondly u meantioned hurt? well of course if his wife is a closed minded individual who won't support her husband on something (to have and to hold till death do us part) then she will feel hurt. but what about the individual? doesn't him being hurt inside matter..dosn't it count?

    it's not an "experience" it's a theory; and FYI, "the rest of the world" isn't perfect and commitmentful and dosn't necesserily conform to your own experiences.

    no one told him not to go to councelling....but as Neverover said no amount of councelling can change how a person feels inside, in case u DON'T know what councelors are there for? they only suggest and listen to ur problems( they r there to share stuff with that u cann't share with the public) and just in case u say soemthing unorthodox about my life
     
    #49 sexyalex, Mar 18, 2008
    Last edited: Mar 18, 2008
  10. Jim1454

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    pfft! Perhaps you should read what I've read before responding. People know that they DON'T want to swim with sharks without trying it. People know they DON'T want to jump off cliffs without trying it. And likewise, people know they DO want to try things without actually trying it.

    Wanting to have sex with another man is a pretty good indication that you're not straight, and telling yourself that you'd just like to try it to confirm that is simply playing mind games with yourself and excusing behaviour that isn't appropriate. And I'm saying that not from an ivory tower - I'm saying that as someone who has fallen for those mind games themself.

    lol - no, marriage is not like being imprisoned. Remember, I've been married. Have you?

    When you CHOOSE to get married, you CHOOSE to be faithful to your spouse. You CHOOSE to honour them. You CHOOSE to respect them. You CHOOSE 'to have and to hold til death do us part' - as you said. You have made a CHOICE that then precludes you from making certain other CHOICES down the road. That's all I meant.

    Whether he is gay or bi or straight has no bearing on how much he loves his children or how much they should love him. Remember, I have children. Do you? My point was that how he conducts himself serves as a role model to his children. Lying and cheating is not the way a father should conduct himself. Again - I VERY MUCH regret the way I conducted myself towards the end of my marriage. Being a good dad goes beyond just putting food on the table and putting them through college.

    But I'm not suggesting that Inspector1 should deny himself his true feelings the rest of his life. I'm suggesting he refrain from acting on those feelings until he has had the opportunity to share these feelings with his wife and be open and honest about it. If his wife isn't comfortable having an open relationship where he has sex with other men, and he CHOOSES to go forward with that anyway, then she should be able to CHOOSE to leave the relationship.

    It certainly sounded like it was your experience the way you put it... "i have never heard of a girl "not cheating" on her lover"
    Yes... thanks for that clarification. :dry: I'm well aware of the fact that counsellors are there to help you arrive at decisions - not to make them for you. But they certainly don't simply sit and listen. They offer feedback and challenge the rationale that you're using to arrive at your decisions. THAT is what a good counsellor will do for someone. That is the kind of debate that Inspector1 would benefit from. And I would NEVER have suggested that counselling would be to help him somehow change himself 'back' into a 100% straight man. That's simply not possible.

    Once he has arrived at a decision, he's free to follow through on that decision. Neither you nor I have any vested interested in what decision he makes or how he goes about conducting his life.

    However, as someone who has been in almost the exact same position and done it all wrong (in my opinion), I believe I know what I'm talking about.
     
  11. fiery

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    Hi, Im in the same sort of place as u, but i have know ive had feelings for men for a very long time but have kept it surpressed. I have been with my wife for almost 5 yrs and we have been married less than a year so far, but we have been having problems and recently split and have been trying to sort out our problems until yesterday when i finally admited to her of my being with a man when i was 17 but had kept it hidden for 25 yrs, and i finally broke down and let it all out. she handled it better than i thought she would but time will tell, she had been joking about me bieng gay for quite some timenow and it must be very hard for her to have this thrown in her face, but as she is also my best friend i know that whatever happens between us she will help me through this. your wife may surprise u once she has had time to get over the initial shock and hope that her love for u will be strong enough to help u through this difficult time.
     
  12. Inspector1

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    Thanks for your story. I hope she will understand and accept me too. I just have no idea how or when I could ever tell her.
     
  13. Jim1454

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    My wife was also EXTREMELY understanding and supportive. Not at first of course - there was shock and dismay and disappointment. She was devastated. However, she realizes that our situation was only going to get worse if we stayed together, and we're much closer now than we were a year or two ago - perhaps closer than we've ever been.

    Our beautiful kids are the bond that will keep us together forever as best friends and partners. There's nobody that I'd rather have raise my daughters with me - and I think my wife feels the same way about me.
     
  14. Inspector1

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    Well everyone, for better or worse I gave into my desire and had my first experience today. All I can say about it right now is that it was amazing and I don't regret doing it.