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Married, kids, bisexual, depressed

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Jggates, Aug 1, 2018.

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  1. Jggates

    Jggates
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    Sorry to hear that @Rade that sounds awful. I hope things settle down for you soon.
     
    #101 Jggates, Sep 25, 2018
  2. Jggates

    Jggates
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    Thanks @IanMkh for thinking of me. My absence is partly because life has been getting in the way, partly because I'm not too down at the moment, and partly because things are still pretty much the same so I don't have an awful lot more to say without boring everyone to tears.

    “the thoughts may come, but you don’t have to chase them all.” is an interesting line. My therapist has been encouraging me to just put the thoughts to one side. Not ignore them - but say to myself "I can't do anything about this right now. I will deal with this later."

    Easier said than done of course, but sound advice I think.

    Right now, today, in this moment I'm feeling okay. I think I've accepted myself which is a big step forward. And I've been doing a *lot* of "what if" thinking and I'm coming to the conclusion that it wouldn't have been all that rosy. It would have a miserable, lonely youth and early adulthood. So maybe I'm pining over something that would actually have been awful.

    Still a long way to go, but I feel like I'm on the right path at last. Thinking quite how far I have to go still scares me, and sends me back down into the darkness - so I'm just dealing with one day at a time.
     
    #102 Jggates, Sep 25, 2018
  3. Rade

    Rade
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    Thanks....she's calmed down now....who else will watch the kids when she's out with her new boyfriend? LOL....anyway I'm out at a LGBT event Thursday night ..so it's my turn to go out!!!!
    Saw my mum and dad today and I'm lucky as they p my coming o
     
    #103 Rade, Sep 25, 2018
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  4. Rade

    Rade
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    Meant to put my parents are very supportive. Stupid phone posted before I had finished....
     
    #104 Rade, Sep 25, 2018
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  5. DecentOne

    DecentOne
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    That hurts.
    In my experience the "you lied" or "our marriage was a lie" comments go away after time and lots of talking. May it be so (and soon) for your sake (and for her sake as it can't be happy and healthy where she is emotionally right now).
     
    #105 DecentOne, Sep 25, 2018
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  6. DecentOne

    DecentOne
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    I like that advice.
    I am glad you are feeling o.k. in this moment. Hang in there!
     
    #106 DecentOne, Sep 25, 2018
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  7. Rade

    Rade
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    Yeah, I did wrong, but being bi I thought we could save our marriage, I talked to her about a threesome, another guy joining us. But in the end she found a straight guy. She is still really hurting. She suffers with depression and I believe she needs counselling. I was always faithful for 20 yrs. But I can see it's hard on her and I have alot of guilt.
    We have talked alot, somedays we get on ok and others she is livid. I have offered to leave. But if I go who will mind the kids while she goes out with her boyfriend?
    She needs me it seems . I will not abandon my kids ever. But I do need to move forward like she has!! I'm not being off but she is having the cake and eating it!!!
    Rade
     
    #107 Rade, Sep 25, 2018
  8. Stellardan

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    So this is a good thought but I’m in the same spiral as you all. It is easier said than done. Particularly when the path forward with your current partner doesn’t include some of the desires we smash down deep inside.


     
    #108 Stellardan, Sep 26, 2018
  9. Jakebusman

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    Mind if I pitch in my experience
     
    #109 Jakebusman, Sep 26, 2018
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  10. Jggates

    Jggates
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    #110 Jggates, Sep 26, 2018
  11. Jakebusman

    Jakebusman
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    Well my wife has supission I'm Bi and she's flat out asked me couple times if I am and I always say no cause I'm scared of being left
     
    #111 Jakebusman, Sep 26, 2018
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  12. Rade

    Rade
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    My ex wife suspected me too!!! I said how and she said she could see signs in me. I don't know what she meant. I denied it but anyway it's in the past now....I am free to date who I want. But after being married 20 yrs my experience with guys is currently 0. But I used to watch alot of porn so I know a bit!!!! My last gay relationship was in the 1990s so way back....
    Rade
     
    #112 Rade, Sep 26, 2018
  13. Jggates

    Jggates
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    In a way I think I'm hoping my wife has had suspicions. When it is time to come out, I think it will be easier if she just says "well yes, I knew that already".
     
    #113 Jggates, Sep 26, 2018
  14. Jakebusman

    Jakebusman
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    I don't have the courage to tell
     
    #114 Jakebusman, Sep 26, 2018
  15. Stellardan

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    I’ve used similar tactcs.
     
    #115 Stellardan, Sep 26, 2018
  16. Rade

    Rade
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    It's great to come out but you risk your wives disowning you and if you have kids like I do it's even more complected.
    My ex wife was shocked then fine, our sex life improved and I shared my fantasys , perhaps that's where I went wrong. I did not plan for us to separate but it's happened now. Six months later she has a boyfriend and I'm on my own. I'm not bitter I believe everything happens for a reason. I'm just saying be careful what you wish for. I now have to start my life again and learn to live and be excepted in the gay community which ain't easy after living 20 yrs in the straight world ...
    Rade
     
    #116 Rade, Sep 26, 2018
  17. Jakebusman

    Jakebusman
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    No kids got none
     
    #117 Jakebusman, Sep 26, 2018
  18. Rade

    Rade
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    That might make it less complicated. Do you want to stay with your wife?
     
    #118 Rade, Sep 26, 2018
  19. Jakebusman

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    Yes I do
     
    #119 Jakebusman, Sep 26, 2018
    Last edited: Sep 26, 2018
  20. Rade

    Rade
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    I hope she will be understanding, fingers crossed for you ....if you don't want any physical contact with guys it might be ok. I wanted a more open relationship and my ex couldn't cope with that idea or any threesome with her involved.
    Rade
     
    #120 Rade, Sep 26, 2018
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