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Married, kids, bisexual, depressed

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Jggates, Aug 1, 2018.

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  1. Jakebusman

    Jakebusman
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    Well today at lunch she told me if you weren't with me you'd probably be with a dude ( which is True )
     
    #281 Jakebusman, Dec 21, 2018
  2. Jakebusman

    Jakebusman
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    Got a new laptop and put a Bi Pride icon on it she saw it and thought the colors were pretty
     
    #282 Jakebusman, Dec 23, 2018
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  3. J Webb

    J Webb
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    Thanks guys for this thread. Same story, happily married with kids - on a rollercoaster that is throwing me into an unwanted direction a couple of times a year - usually in the winter time when suddenly getting a crush on some random guy. There is not a great scenario I can imagine that would be the perfect, except for these feelings not to exist at all. I love my wife very much. Would do anything to take it away. Not desiring a different life, except for those awful weeks that seem to take my head for a spin. The desires usually fade away after some time and when it does, my life feels great. Sexually it’s fine, though I know I lean more to guys. Fulfilling these sexual desires would cost everything else and I am just not able to give everything else up. Never. This doesn’t take away the roller coaster turns and hot guys, and I’m secretely hoping they don’t get worse and maybe get less. Deep inside sometimes all I crave the most is just to hugh a guy for a long time tightly.
     
    #283 J Webb, Dec 28, 2018
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  4. Patrick7269

    Patrick7269
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    Jggates,

    I’m glad that you’ve found this forum to be a safe place for support, and it looks like many others are benefiting from this thread as well.

    I think you may find that coming out, even to yourself, feels like grieving. It’s grieving the loss of your former heterosexual identity, and then (through hard work and courage) championing a new identity based on a new understanding of yourself. The stages of grief (identified by researcher Kubler Ross as denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance) might be useful to think about and discuss with a therapist. The stages aren’t necessarily linear either.

    I very much agree with previous comments that self-compassion is very important right now. You did what was appropriate in the past, and this time is no different. You are also going through something really challenging, fairly complex, very consequential, and for which there are no immediate or easy answers other than what you find is right for you. I would take the time and space you need before making any major decisions, and give yourself lots of self-care. You might think of it as taking care of yourself first so that you can (in time) be there for others in your life more fully and in a more engaged way, albeit possibly in a different way than before.

    I really was struck in your writing by your integrity and your love for others. Perhaps when you find what these look like going forward in a new way, you will find that everything fits.

    *warm hugs*

    Patrick
    Seattle, WA
     
    #284 Patrick7269, Dec 31, 2018
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  5. Jakebusman

    Jakebusman
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    Well last night new years eve I finally came out and told her mom and bestfriend she loves me nd told her to never be afraid to tell her who I am and didn't need to be afraid to tell her. Mom is proud bestfriend is so confused about Bisexuality he doesn't understand it
     
    #285 Jakebusman, Jan 1, 2019
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  6. DecentOne

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    Congrats on starting the new year with this behind you!
    As far as your best friend, is he “hey, I’m still your friend” or “I need space” about this?

    I’m not out to everyone yet, but some that I’ve told have been confused... not about bisexuality, but that I’m anything but straight. But they are still there for me.
     
    #286 DecentOne, Jan 1, 2019
  7. Jakebusman

    Jakebusman
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    #287 Jakebusman, Jan 1, 2019
  8. Jakebusman

    Jakebusman
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    He doesn't understand Bisexuality
     
    #288 Jakebusman, Jan 1, 2019
  9. Rade

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    Congratulations, Jake.....
    New year, more honesty.....if I could give you a hug I would......I know how hard you have found this journey....
     
    #289 Rade, Jan 1, 2019
  10. Jggates

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    Hello all, just thought I'd check in with an update. Still no further forward, had some *real* lows these past few weeks - probably the lowest I've been. But I'm holding it together and continuing with the therapy. But it's not all doom and gloom - there are good days among the bad.

    And reading the positive stories on here - special mention to @Jakebusman :slight_smile: - is giving me hope.
     
    #290 Jggates, Jan 9, 2019
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  11. TXTurbo90

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    Thanks for the update! It seems like you have made a lot of progress after reading this thread from the beginning. Congratulations! :thumbsup:

    If you don't mind me asking, what is your therapy mainly focusing on at this point? I have always wondered what happens after the first couple sessions and how it progresses. Do you feel as though the improvement each session is significant each time you go, or is it up and down with some meetings being productive and some not?
     
    #291 TXTurbo90, Jan 9, 2019
  12. Jakebusman

    Jakebusman
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    Thanks for being here for me everyone
     
    #292 Jakebusman, Jan 9, 2019
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  13. TXTurbo90

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    Hey Jake! Hope you are doing well!

    Has everything calmed down now since coming out to your wife and friends? Do you feel as though it has brought you closer together to share that part of you with her?
     
    #293 TXTurbo90, Jan 10, 2019
    Last edited: Jan 10, 2019
  14. Jakebusman

    Jakebusman
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    What you mean ?
     
    #294 Jakebusman, Jan 10, 2019
  15. TXTurbo90

    TXTurbo90
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    As in, after you came out and that she has had time to settle in to the fact that you are not straight, have you noticed any affect on your relationship with your wife either positive or negative?
     
    #295 TXTurbo90, Jan 10, 2019
  16. Jakebusman

    Jakebusman
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    Positive she knew I was Bi for awhile just wating me to tell her
     
    #296 Jakebusman, Jan 10, 2019
  17. Jggates

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    It's been variable - some sessions are definitely more useful than others.

    Some sessions have been focusing on managing the depression and looking at different techniques - these are the least useful ones, as they just make me feel like I'm learning to bottle things up again.

    Others are mainly me talking and the therapist asking leading questions. Hard work tbh (I'm not very good at opening up), but I think the real value is just getting stuff out of my head. I have no-one in real life to talk about this to.
     
    #297 Jggates, Jan 11, 2019
  18. Jggates

    Jggates
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    Hello all, just thought I'd check in with an update.

    Still nowhere near a resolution BUT the therapy is going really well. Given me an outlet, the therapist is really good at keeping me moving forwards, and most importantly it's removed the sense of panic and urgency to just do something daft.

    All in all, I'm in a much better place now. Still a very long way to go but it isn't so frightening right now. :slight_smile:

    Hope everyone else is getting on okay.
     
    #298 Jggates, Feb 27, 2019
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  19. Manyika

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    Thanks for this thread. I'm in a very similar situation but I always knew I'm bisexual.
    I live with the same guy 19 years we have two beautiful children (teenagers). My husband wants to open our marriage and I agreed. So
    I'm kind of free now - not really in reality as a busy mum of two I can't really arrange dates etc..
    But I know I really miss a real soulmate and a woman's touch.
    And I'm not really out as well...
     
    #299 Manyika, Mar 1, 2019
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  20. Jggates

    Jggates
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    Hello everyone. Long time no see.

    A little update on where I am at. Therapy worked wonders - it was a great safety valve, and removed the sense of urgency and panic that was pushing me to just blurt everything out. My wife even commented that I seemed happier. Good result! I was no nearer to coming out, but I was more at peace with myself.

    But... those of you who have been along for the ride since the start of this thread may remember that even admitting that I was depressed and needed therapy was too much for me (the denial runs deep and the emotional barriers are thick), so I didn't tell my wife about the therapy sessions. Another secret to carry, but I just wasn't able or ready to admit that I'm not the strong man I pretend to be.

    Not ideal, but it got me over the hump of admitting to myself that I needed help, so I'm okay with that decision.

    However, it has backfired. My wife revealed recently that she has known from the start that I'm getting counselling. And ridiculous as this seems, this completely knocked me for six.

    Rather than start opening up on my own terms, it feels like the rug has been pulled from under me. Im the kind of person who gets very uncomfortable if someone tries to peek through the metaphorical curtains into the real "me" - all part of being in denial and then closeted, I guess. But now it feels like not only has someone peeked through the curtains, but they have kicked in the front door and are standing in the hallway.

    I know how over dramatic and ridiculous this sounds. But my emotional defences and barriers have grown out of control over the years, and now it's as if they have been whipped away.

    The result - I've clammed up even more and the depression is back with a vengeance.

    I think I can't skirt the issue any more. I'm going to have to deal with it. But I am not emotionally ready, and still terrified of how my wife will react.
     
    #300 Jggates, May 23, 2019
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