1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Married, kids, bisexual, depressed

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Jggates, Aug 1, 2018.

Thread Tools

Thread Tools

Page 13 of 17
  1. Jakebusman

    Jakebusman
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 28, 2015
    Messages:
    2,007
    Likes Received:
    544
    Location:
    Ohio
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Thank you
     
    #241 Jakebusman, Nov 11, 2018
    Jggates likes this.
  2. Jggates

    Jggates
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 1, 2018
    Messages:
    139
    Likes Received:
    63
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    It's easier said than done, though.

    The whole "those who don't matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter" thing is true as far as far as friendships go. It would hurt if your friends turned their back on you, but we all know that friends come & go so life will still go on.

    But when you love your wife, the risk that she won't - or can't - accept that you are bisexual is very very scary. You can't just say "well if she minds, she doesn't matter". Because she *does* matter.

    Personally, I'd like to think my wife will see that my sexuality is irrelevant to our love. Finding men attractive means no more than finding other women attractive. I love her and want to be with her. And in my rational moments I know she'd still see me as the same person.

    But what if I'm wrong? She was brought up the same way I was. There was a lot of homophobic conditioning. I hope and pray that I am right, and that it won't change how she sees me - but if I'm wrong then I would be utterly heartbroken. It might be a tiny risk, but is it really one I want to take?
     
    #242 Jggates, Nov 11, 2018
    Last edited: Nov 11, 2018
  3. Matty303

    Matty303
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 6, 2018
    Messages:
    30
    Likes Received:
    16
    Location:
    Oh
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    A few people

    Hey man, I felt the same way.... And even though my life is kinda going in a different direction right now and that's because of me. She has been as supportive as she can be. And even if in the long run we do split for good, I'm starting to believe that once she starts living her life I will still have her as a best friend! What I'm trying to say is if she truly loves you she will try to understand. No it won't be easy for her or you but it will be the truth and if you don't won't to act on anything and you are happy with your marriage then you guys will make it through. Just make sure you know what you want out of all of this before you decide to talk to her, cause I didn't and it would have went smoother if I did! Fyi if she s asking she probably already kinda knows...
     
    #243 Matty303, Nov 11, 2018
    Last edited: Nov 11, 2018
  4. Jakebusman

    Jakebusman
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 28, 2015
    Messages:
    2,007
    Likes Received:
    544
    Location:
    Ohio
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Thank you everyone for being here for me
     
    #244 Jakebusman, Nov 11, 2018
    Jggates likes this.
  5. Jggates

    Jggates
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 1, 2018
    Messages:
    139
    Likes Received:
    63
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Hello all, thought I ought to check in and see how everyone's doing. Hope you are all well.

    Sorry I've been quiet - not really much to update other than therapy is definitely helping. Still nowhere near any sort of resolution but I'm taking in one day at a time. :slight_smile:
     
    #245 Jggates, Nov 24, 2018
  6. Jakebusman

    Jakebusman
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 28, 2015
    Messages:
    2,007
    Likes Received:
    544
    Location:
    Ohio
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    That's the best way 1 day at a time I myself am debating between talking to my wife or thropery
     
    #246 Jakebusman, Nov 25, 2018
    Jggates likes this.
  7. Jggates

    Jggates
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 1, 2018
    Messages:
    139
    Likes Received:
    63
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Therapy first I think is usually the right answer. That's what advice I got from here and I'm glad I listened. We need to get our own heads in order first.
     
    #247 Jggates, Nov 25, 2018
    IanMkh likes this.
  8. Jakebusman

    Jakebusman
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 28, 2015
    Messages:
    2,007
    Likes Received:
    544
    Location:
    Ohio
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    True but it's hard
     
    #248 Jakebusman, Nov 25, 2018
    Last edited: Nov 25, 2018
    Jggates likes this.
  9. Jggates

    Jggates
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 1, 2018
    Messages:
    139
    Likes Received:
    63
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Yep, there's no denying that. But I'm telling myself it's going to be less hard than trying to push through life hiding the tears forever.
     
    #249 Jggates, Nov 26, 2018
  10. Rade

    Rade
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 9, 2018
    Messages:
    1,180
    Likes Received:
    630
    Location:
    Bedford UK
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    You have two options on this thread. You either stay in the closet like I did for 20 years and on the whole it was ok.....
    Or you come out, .tell your partners and take it from there.....
    It's a chance......
    I struck the match that lit the fuse. Watched the bomb ignite. In slow motion the bomb exploded. I ran for cover.... walked on the shards of glass. BUT I am now putting the puzzle back together BUT the pieces are in a completely different order.....
    Rade/Jon
     
    #250 Rade, Nov 26, 2018
  11. Jggates

    Jggates
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 1, 2018
    Messages:
    139
    Likes Received:
    63
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    @Rade gotta admit, the possibility of that outcome terrifies me more than just staying depressed
     
    #251 Jggates, Nov 26, 2018
  12. Rade

    Rade
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 9, 2018
    Messages:
    1,180
    Likes Received:
    630
    Location:
    Bedford UK
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Yeah but you want to stay with your wife, generally most wives are supportive, I stupidly asked for a threesome. She said how could I ask for a threesome when I knew she had been abused as a child? What killed my marriage was some texts I sent a guy so I only have myself to blame. Though I'm out and free to date guys when I'm ready. Ex wife will probably be the only woman I ever have slept with. I enjoyed my marriage but I like guys more. I know that's not very respectful to my ex but it's the truth and some other guy is with her now.....I've only be moved out three weeks. What I'm really dreading is Christmas....
     
    #252 Rade, Nov 26, 2018
  13. Rade

    Rade
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 9, 2018
    Messages:
    1,180
    Likes Received:
    630
    Location:
    Bedford UK
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    We're nearly the same age, I'm 43 and I also live in the UK. I live in Bedfordshire, I have three kids, see them 4 x a week, so still very involved....
     
    #253 Rade, Nov 26, 2018
    Jggates likes this.
  14. Jggates

    Jggates
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 1, 2018
    Messages:
    139
    Likes Received:
    63
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    I think the truth *is* respectful. You did the right thing.
     
    #254 Jggates, Nov 27, 2018
    Rade likes this.
  15. Rade

    Rade
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 9, 2018
    Messages:
    1,180
    Likes Received:
    630
    Location:
    Bedford UK
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I really hurt her by not being honest, she wanted to be married to me for ever. Yeah she has a new guy but she's still bitter towards me. We are planning a family day out in the Xmas holidays while her partner is working. It was my idea and I thought it might be nice for the kids, we have three....it's been a horrible few months. I'm really dreading Xmas. It's our first one with me moved out. I know it sounds stupid but little things like putting the tree up. Some of the decorations mean alot, we bought a special tree decoration for each child's first xmad, my mum bought special ones and a few go back yrs eg my Nan and grandad....I just can't face it. I'm gonna keep away if I can....
     
    #255 Rade, Nov 27, 2018
  16. Jakebusman

    Jakebusman
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 28, 2015
    Messages:
    2,007
    Likes Received:
    544
    Location:
    Ohio
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    What you think I should do ?
     
    #256 Jakebusman, Nov 28, 2018
  17. Lgbtqpride

    Lgbtqpride
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 3, 2018
    Messages:
    283
    Likes Received:
    65
    Location:
    Earth
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    A few people
    A few years later you will be living happily with your boyfriend and decorating a christmas tree together with him.
     
    #257 Lgbtqpride, Nov 28, 2018
    Jggates and Rade like this.
  18. Jggates

    Jggates
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 1, 2018
    Messages:
    139
    Likes Received:
    63
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    It's still early days. Give it time and life will sort itself out.
     
    #258 Jggates, Nov 28, 2018
  19. UMedusa

    UMedusa
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 24, 2018
    Messages:
    175
    Likes Received:
    149
    Location:
    Florida
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    All but family
    When you nurture a repressed part of your identity, you have to realize that you are also part of your partner's identity, and changing you so dramatically, in gender or sexuality, can be very quaking for them. They sort of have to go through the stages of grief, because part of their identity died, part of their future is altered. For some, this is not that big of a deal. For some, this is really, really, really hard to overcome. But even if it's hard for them, given time, they may come to accept and love the whole you. I urge patience, but advocate for yourself above all. Repression is not healthy and it is important to be loved for who you are in a close relationship like marriage, especially when it is something you can't just change.
     
    #259 UMedusa, Nov 28, 2018
    DecentOne, Jggates and Rade like this.
  20. Rade

    Rade
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 9, 2018
    Messages:
    1,180
    Likes Received:
    630
    Location:
    Bedford UK
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Yeah I get this, that's why my ex is so bitter, she wanted me forever. She may have grief that the relationship ended. I tell her what's the problem when you have a new partner? She says she is starting again from the bottom up. I agree she lost part if her identity too. Hopefully time is a heeler....
     
    #260 Rade, Nov 28, 2018
    Last edited: Nov 28, 2018
    UMedusa likes this.
(You must log in or sign up to post here.)
Page 13 of 17