Married, kids, bisexual, depressed

It seems clear to me that I’m more gay than straight. I watch lesbian porn....but gay porn does it more easily for me now. I have sex with my wife, which feels great, and we feel connected for a day or two....and then I get powerful urges to fantasize about a guy. I’ve gone on dates with women and enjoy making out....even having sex, but this feeling is now here to stay.

It’s like my body is telling me what to do, but my head refuses to submit. This war can’t go on forever.

 

Will I ever be ok with this? I am separated and still afraid to be physical with a guy. Ugh.

 

I just read this post. I have been out, ironically, canyoneering with a gay couple I met on line.

I could have written your post a couple years ago. I thought my life would unravel. I only came out to my wife. I didn't feel a need to tell my family and older friends. TBH, I only have a couple of close friends anyway and I have sort of started making new friends in the bisexual world I am discovering. So, except for my wife knowing and occasional intimacy with some friends with my wife's knowledge, my life hasn't really changed much. EXCEPT I no longer live in fear of my wife finding out about my sexuality and our marriage dissolving. That is an incredible burden that has been lifted.

I guess you are the best judge about when you need to come out. But, this seems to be tearing you apart right now. Is that fair to your wife? Mine needed to know why I was so unhappy. Not knowing was really hard on her.

 

Yes we are! When I told my wife I was surprised 100% by her reaction mainly from past statements she had made. But in reality she was much more understanding ( hurt and confussed) but also caring and loving) You just have to tell her when your ready, I struggled with this for a long time and if i would have brought it up any sooner it would have probably been a disaster! I love my wife and she loves me and even though I still feel like something is missing, we are taking it one day at a time. When your really ready to let your wife know I think you will know. EC Is great for encourgment, understanding and just to hear others stories and telling your own helps more than you know!

 

It’s oddly comforting how posts there are on this thread

 

Hey Jggates!

Obviously you are not alone! I am now 55, but at 43 I finally had the courage to begin coming out. I was married for 18 years with three boys ages 12, 9 and 7. I had a bachelor's degree and was working as a Contracts Specialist for Navy Civil Service buying flight simulation. My wife found out by accident early on when she found a gay magazine. Ironically enough it was 6 weeks after we conceived our first child. I am Catholic and spent 10 years on active duty with the Air Force and both of those positions in life definitely ruled out the thought that being gay was acceptable. I had been very close to a number of guys in my life, but never took the first step and neither did they. Eventually, at work, I met a guy who just "was head over heels for" at work. He invited me to the Bahamas with a few guy friends of his and before we went I sent him an e-mail explaining my homosexual feelings, but never revealed that I was attracted to him. As we worked together for a couple of years, my attraction and our close non-physical relationship began to keep me up at night and never stopped the couple of years we worked together before he left the job to become a pharmaceutical rep. I drove an hour back and forth to work and my lack of sleep made this extremely difficult, not only driving, but in all aspects of my life. It just never ended. At this point my gay identity was revealed to both of our immediate families only and shortly thereafter I moved out "on a trial basis" and rented a room for what turned out to be 14 months. The hardest part was sitting down with young kids to tell them that Dad was moving out, but not fully explaining the reasons at that time. I then went through a year of struggling of whether or not I even thought that being gay was ok. Prior to me making the decision to move out, I participated in a number of activities to "reform" myself. I attended a week long Exodus conference, as well as a weekend of Journey into Manhood and counseling from a National Association for the Reparative Therapy of Homosexuality (NARTH) counselor two hours away. I visited a progressive Priest who recommended that I spend a month at a Catholic retreat facility where I should live without contact with my family and explore whatever it was that I thought I was looking for. My Ex, of course, was very unhappy with that advise because of course I was supposedly going to the priest to reform. However, I never did participate in the latter, I just finally felt the absolute need to move out. Even after I moved out, I think my Ex thought it was truly on a "trial basis" and that I would be back, but I knew better. Many times during the separation I wanted to do what was easy and move back, but never did. After about a year, we began divorce proceedings by both obtaining individual legal counsel. It took us two more years to divorce because I was absolutely not willing to participate in anything less that joint custody. Eventually, we agreed to 60/40 custody (her getting the lion's share) of overnights, but 50/50 custody during what I called "waking hours". There's more than that, but I'll leave that for another post.

If you feel interested and comfortable enough to write back, we can absolutely talk some more. Let me know. PerfectlyU

 

I'm leaving my ex wife in two weeks if my apartment is given the go ahead . I came out in February. So anything is possible it's still very daunting but there is no going back now . I'm 43 with 3 kids ..we had been together 20years. I'm ready for a boyfriend now but no hurry .

 

Thank you ....when 2018 started I didn't have a clue my life would unfold. We were unhappy and I just blurted out I'm bisexual.....
Anyway I'm moving forward, my kids seem happier and can stay over etc. Even getting a make partner is daunting, I know it shouldn't be, but after 25 yrs since I kissed or did anything with a guy. I don't wanna rush and just be happy being me. I came out bisexual but I might end up at the gay end of the spectrum which is fine. I now love myself and feel comfortable not being straight......

 

Do you have children? And a wife?

 

I see u live the UK also.....it's dam expensive....accepting sexuality is the biggest hurdle. I was in denile for years......it's daunting leaving the marital home but in a couple weeks I should feel better, but perhaps it will be longer. There is also a guy I like so it's all complex and I feel a bit up and down.....

 

It's been a bad day....... hopefully your wife isn't like mine, she hates me for being gay. I feel upset, I can't help the way I am. I should have done the gay life from day one....I am made to feel bad. She has a boyfriend so don't know why she can't move on...I have learned a very important lesson to be honest in future. Tread carefully with whatever you decide. I never cheated in 20 yrs.

 

How should I start the conversation with my wife ?