1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Married, kids, bisexual, depressed

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Jggates, Aug 1, 2018.

  1. Rade

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 9, 2018
    Messages:
    1,180
    Likes Received:
    630
    Location:
    Bedford UK
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    It took me years to tell my wife. If you told her, what would your future plans be??
     
  2. Jggates

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 1, 2018
    Messages:
    139
    Likes Received:
    63
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    No change. I love my wife. I don't want to change our life. I just want to feel like I'm not hiding from myself any more. But I can't do that without risking everything. And without admitting that I'm drowning. Which changes who she thinks I am.

    That's my problem. I don't want our marriage to end or to change. But I don't know how to end this depression without risking just that. I don't see any way out.

    I've gone backwards. :/
     
  3. Rade

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 9, 2018
    Messages:
    1,180
    Likes Received:
    630
    Location:
    Bedford UK
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    .I appreciate it must be very difficult for you. And if you tell her theres a chance and gamble to how she will take the news. Have you been married long? We had 20 yrs, 16 married .
     
  4. Jggates

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 1, 2018
    Messages:
    139
    Likes Received:
    63
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    15 years been together. Not something I want to gamble on. Not just because of the time, but because I love her and she's my best friend. I just can't risk destroying what we have.
     
  5. Jggates

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 1, 2018
    Messages:
    139
    Likes Received:
    63
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Sorry all. I'm crapping up this thread with downers. I just need to get a grip.

    A couple of days ago I was feeling positive. I'll get back there again I'm sure.
     
  6. Rade

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 9, 2018
    Messages:
    1,180
    Likes Received:
    630
    Location:
    Bedford UK
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Sounds like your really in love and that's great and positive.
     
  7. Jakebusman

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 28, 2015
    Messages:
    1,976
    Likes Received:
    529
    Location:
    Ohio
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I mean how long can I keep this in I tryed talking to her about it once but didn't understand how I like both and still with her so I dropped it and haven't brought it up since
     
    #187 Jakebusman, Oct 11, 2018
    Last edited: Oct 11, 2018
  8. Jggates

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 1, 2018
    Messages:
    139
    Likes Received:
    63
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Kind of... But the person she is in love with isn't the "real me". That's why I'm so worried that coming clean could be such a bad move.
     
  9. regkmc

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 19, 2017
    Messages:
    197
    Likes Received:
    86
    Location:
    Pennsylvania
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Who knows, maybe she’ll love the new you. More important ultimately than her love for you is your love for yourself.
     
  10. Jggates

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 1, 2018
    Messages:
    139
    Likes Received:
    63
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    I do know what you mean - but my problem with this is that one unhappy person is better than a whole unhappy family. And more importantly - I could never love myself if I did something that blew us all apart.

    I think I can come to terms with who I am. I just don't know if anyone else will. That's a risk I don't think I can take.
     
  11. regkmc

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 19, 2017
    Messages:
    197
    Likes Received:
    86
    Location:
    Pennsylvania
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    So do you see yourself being unhappy for a long time? Do you really think everyone will be happy when you’re unhappy?
     
  12. regkmc

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 19, 2017
    Messages:
    197
    Likes Received:
    86
    Location:
    Pennsylvania
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Only you know your situation. All I can tell you is I basically blew everything up and I’m rebuilding with truth as a foundation.....no idea what things will ultimately look like....and things are better.
     
  13. Jggates

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 1, 2018
    Messages:
    139
    Likes Received:
    63
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    First question - some days I really don't know.

    Second question - fair point, and I think that's my other fear. I could still blow things up by doing nothing.

    Some days I think I just need to be honest and trust my family. Other days I think I just need to bury the sadness and just get on with life.
     
  14. Jakebusman

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 28, 2015
    Messages:
    1,976
    Likes Received:
    529
    Location:
    Ohio
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I wanna tekt her but don't wanna ruin what we have had for 7 years
     
  15. regkmc

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 19, 2017
    Messages:
    197
    Likes Received:
    86
    Location:
    Pennsylvania
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    May you be happy....May you be well.....may you accept and embrace your sexuality.
     
    Rade likes this.
  16. Jggates

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 1, 2018
    Messages:
    139
    Likes Received:
    63
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Thank you. :slight_smile:

    I know it must sound crazy to anyone not going through the same thing, but it is true that accepting your own sexuality is incredibly difficult when it's not the norm. Bisexuality even more so - as not only do you have to fight your own internalised / conditioned homophobia, you also have loud voices on both ends of the spectrum telling you that there is no such thing as bisexuality.

    In my case - I think I'm happy accepting who I am. It's taken me an incredibly long time, and I'm probably not quite out of the woods yet, but I'm no longer in denial and the idea of being bisexual no longer frightens me. That's a pretty good start.

    But will my wife accept it, even if she can deal with any doubts this creates in her own mind about my feelings for her? I'd like to think so, but I'm not sure. And this is a huge risk - ultimately for no real gain. I'm not looking for a new life, so what am I actually trying to achieve? Make two people unhappy, rather than one? Am I just being selfish?

    Will her family accept it? Probably not. That will be tough, because I am fairly close to her family.

    Will *my* family accept it? Almost certainly not. But I can deal with that. We aren't close anyway.

    Will my friends accept it? I think they'd probably tolerate it. Although it would unravel years of lies.

    And will my colleagues accept it? Officially they would, but in reality they wouldn't. I would almost certainly find myself on a path out of the door.

    So my agony isn't really a psychological struggle - well not entirely, I'm not daft enough to think I've suddenly packaged up years of struggle with a few therapy sessions - but it is mostly a practical struggle. There is a very real, very significant risk of destroying everything if I open my mouth. I don't think I can take that risk. A life being open doesn't feel like it is worth the cost if things go wrong, in my view at least.

    I started this thread in the depths of depression, thinking I just need to get this burning secret off my chest. I'm still depressed, and still always on the verge of tears, but I'm starting to doubt whether getting the secret out is actually sensible. Which means I maybe just have to learn how to deal with it.

    And that's dangerous talk, I know - because that's what's got me into this hole in the first place. I just don't see any way to get out of it now. It's too deep.
     
    regkmc likes this.
  17. regkmc

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 19, 2017
    Messages:
    197
    Likes Received:
    86
    Location:
    Pennsylvania
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Only way out of a hole is one small step at a time. You’ve taken steps in being honest with a therapist. Give yourself some credit and compassion for that. This is tough.

    I am extremely resistant to change. I have fought this....subconsciously I suppose for 20 years. Consciously for the last 2. But here it is and here I am and here you are. Perhaps there is a world where you can be exactly who you are....and love who you are. Because you can’t change this thing about you.

    I would imagine this could be one of the greatest lessons we teach our kids. It’s OK and it’s right to be honest, regardless of the consequences or pain.

    Now practically, what does that mean for us? Well....that stuff can be figured out eventually. Let’s start with the truth with ourselves and the people we are in relationship with.
     
    whattodo1 likes this.
  18. regkmc

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 19, 2017
    Messages:
    197
    Likes Received:
    86
    Location:
    Pennsylvania
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I get mad.....ashamed....incredulous.....like how can I have sex with and fantasize about women for 20 years.....and now I mostly masturbate thinking of sex with men? And I’m grossed out at the idea of kissing or being romantic with a man for the remainder of the day?

    But that’s where I’m at. And it’s ok.
     
  19. Jggates

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 1, 2018
    Messages:
    139
    Likes Received:
    63
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    That's good advice. I'm still right at the start of this process, I think. I'm nowhere near being honest with the ones I love - and the thought that I'm so far from any sort of closure is really getting me down - but I perhaps need to stop thinking about tomorrow and concentrate on today.
     
    regkmc likes this.
  20. IanMkh

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 12, 2018
    Messages:
    58
    Likes Received:
    68
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Hey, @Jggates. Just checking in. I see things are a little up and down. I feel that. It's nice to see so many perspectives here and different stories. I'm grateful to you all for sharing: @regkmc, @Rade, @Matty303, @Nickw.

    I'm having ups and downs, too. Last week, I came out to two coworkers. We were discussing a client and it just slipped into the conversation. Neither was surprised. Maybe I'm not a straight-passing as I thought. It feels so right to tell people, but so wrong to tell people other than my wife. And I feel like the more people I tell before her, the harder it will be for her to accept if and when I do. But, that's where it's at for now.

    I've come to a realization, though, about her. I really was afraid that she didn't trust me. She knows that I am least bi-curious, so her mistrust is not misplaced. But, in some pretty serious conversations recently she said to me, "I want you to be who you are. And I want you to be straight". I can't blame her for that sentiment nor for her honesty. She said it one two separate occasions. That was really tough to hear. But, here's what I realize. First, she knows on some level. My therapist thinks that what she is imagining is far worse than the reality. The second is that I don't think I trust her enough emotionally right now to be able to tell her. We've got a lot of work to do before I can approach that thought.

    I'm on cruise control right now, I think, trying to figure just how "out" and I be and act in order to feel comfortable. And I'm learning not to chase every single thought down the rabbit hole. We are works in progress, are we not?
     
    Jggates, Matty303, Rade and 1 other person like this.